Stuck

Thoughts create feelings which in turn creates this feeling of being stuck. Right now, I should be at home with family, or I should be visiting my Colorado friend because both family and her are leaving tomorrow. The way I’m feeling, though, is tired.

I don’t want to spend anymore time home – because – it’s all in my head. Judgements, taking things personal, all is in my head which makes me not want to go home. The world and the people in it can present themselves however they want, but I chose to take things personal – perhaps because I believe it a little bit as well.

I don’t know what good food is, I don’t have my own life, I’m attached at the hip to people, I’m a crazy dog lady, I’m lonely, I’m desperate, I’m a bad daughter, I’ll regret my actions when I’m older, I should be runnin, I shouldn’t have eaten that hamburger, fries, and onion rings. Who is this person talking? I would never say this about anyone else, why do I say it to myself?

What is all this? Why do I feel the way I feel and think the way I think? Why do I let what others say and do affect me so much? Why do I put so much focus on them, and not me? Why don’t I lower my voice and speak kindly to myself, and ask myself, what’s wrong?

I don’t know, I just know, I don’t even want to be layin in my bed right now because, I truly don’t know what I want, who I want to be around, and what I should be doing. I don’t know who I am either.

Will I ever?

Right now, this is what I think I want my future to hold:

  • I want a partner whom is a best friend. I want someone to share my insecurities with, my social anxiety, over thinking self – and be loved despite it
  • I want to have found myself – I always hear this, but never understood what it meant to “find yourself”. It’s more so to get to know yourself more than anything
  • I want to develop a spine, opinions, my own life, friends that I click with
  • I don’t want to feel like I’m ‘performing’. I don’t want to be this jolly happy woman if I’m not that woman genuinely
  • I don’t want to feel guilt or shoulds anymore

I’m starting to read feeling good again, this time, more purposeful. I want to get better, I don’t have to feel happy, I just have to not feel depressed.

 

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