Tummy Sour & Twisting my Heart

That’s what I physically feel as my overthinking thoughts control my moments. I have been feeling this a lot recently, well, I guess all my life. I know it’s from anxiety, and I am really afraid of suffering from a psychotic break down when I’m older, when my life lays out exactly the way I don’t want it to.

I’ve been thinking a lot, just way too much. Mostly…honestly…completely all absorbed by relationships. I don’t know why that’s my obsession and will be the death of me. I am obsessed with being a good friend – and I know I am not a good friend. I’m obsessed with others responses and what they might mean. Perhaps a remote job is toxic for that. I can’t run from it, I have to face it. Where would I go if I ran? What do I do if I stayed? What does facing it even mean? I wish it was a contraction I could just grit my teeth till it’s over but, it’s never going to be over.

Is the answer really therapy? I need help figuring it all out I guess, but even then, that’s a relationship with a therapist that I will obsess over as well.

I really hope that I am not alone in the way I feel…

 

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Feeling that Feeling

Who am I?

I don’t know…

I’m afraid, I never will. What are my thoughts? What are my beliefs? My opinions? I spend a lot of time listening to others. It’s what I do most of the time, instead of talking. I don’t have much to say, or if I do, I’m highly censored. The censorship keeps me from making friends that truly know and accept me – if any do exist. I bite my tongue and gear towards being agreeable, to the point where I’m a chameleon. I watch others live out their values, speak their opinions, and connect. I don’t want to watch or listen to others anymore…it makes me feel less than who I thought I would be.

I want to have strong values and beliefs. I want to have confidence in myself. Lately, during conversations, I have been more inclined to downtalk myself. I don’t want that anymore.

But, I don’t know if I can ever be who I aspire to be… So, I feel a bit stuck in life. It’s as if I hate the way I make my bed, yet know no other way to set it to my liking. For almost 27 years now, I’ve lived with this anxiety of self loathing and rollercoaster emotions. I always feel as if I’ve finally climbed out from under the rock I’ve been living in, only to realize I’ve climbed into another damn rock.

Pictures of Billy and his woman doesn’t hurt as much anymore. Perhaps it’s because of the recent realizations of why I can’t have a healthy relationship right now. If I were who I aspire to be, I wouldn’t desire him as much as I do as he does not treat me kindly. I think of him still, but, I know it really is for the best that we are apart as I have so much emptiness inside of me that not a damn person can fill – it’s not their job to.

This emptiness is mine to fill, but I don’t know what to do. I have a lonely ache that attacks, deriving from attachment issues. Issues that may be apart of my DNA or so deeply ingrained that I’m afraid I’ll never resolve it. I’m afraid I will always be this way

How will I ever love someone the way I want to, and have them love me back if I’m this way? 

I entertain the thought of leaving every single thing behind here, and moving away. Somewhere where no one knows me, or at least with my older sister who isn’t afraid to set me straight.

I miss that in relationships, someone who will set you straight. I realize I push away people who ‘try to set me straight’, I don’t know why.

Anyways…

here’s to the new years… 20 fucking 17

Home is Where the Heart is…

Where is your heart if you don’t desire to go home as I?

I learned something this holiday break. My routine was broken when Karen, Kristina, and Jake went home. I felt… really lonely. Now that they’re home, the duplex seems alive again… It’s the strangest thing.

This weekend has been filled with old sad feelings and binging on food. I spent all of Sunday alone and half of today the same. I took myself to Cong’s to spend time with Lily and his family, and to get out of the house. I took the pups with me. Holiday time is harder because it reminds me that I don’t have my ‘own home’ yet. It’s made me realize how much I do want to have a family, but it also made me realize I can’t have one until I learn to love others beyond myself. How I know I’m ready is if these weekends, filled with feelings of loneliness, self pity, and food binging don’t happen again. I can’t love my child until I get pass the effects of the lonely ache.

I am not upset with myself for binging on food. It’s natural for me to fill myself with that in place of the fulfillment from others. It’s a cry for something is missing, and something is missing. But, I don’t know what to do about it. What if it’s ingrained in me? What if it’s a part of my DNA?

I guess the way to solve the issue is to recognize it and its effects, and do things I know will help deter unhealthy habits. I can look at what did go well this weekend and what I would do different next year:

What went well?

  1. I got great gifts for people
  2. I spent a lot of time with Lily
  3. I had a warm house

What will I do different?

  1. On Christmas day, accept friends invite to hang with their family or volunteer

I read an article about creating your own tradition if you don’t follow everyone elses’. Volunteering every Christmas can be a good tradition for me to start for myself.

I must reflect on the realization that my world seemed to self destruct when my roomies went back home. Why is that? I didn’t go to the dance class I planned on. I started to think myself crazy for wanting to do all these things.

I’m glad the holidays are over, though.. I must work on this ache in preparation for next year. I can’t expect for it to be gone, but I can prepare for it. I can be smart and actually plan for it to visit rather than denying that it will make an appearance. Now I know it will.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Woe is me, woe woe is me. I’m lonely on this Monday. T’was feeling so yesterday as well. I binged binged binged till I couldn’t fit anything else in. Leighann came over, though, to warm up my cold home for a bit.

Bleh..

I should have gone over to her place for games instead of choosing to be alone. The silver lining there is I now know to choose to go and to be with people. The holidays are hard because it’s a reminder of what I don’t have and what I think others have. I would love to have a nook, a family to always come home to. I don’t have that so much right now. Mom’s in Burma, dad..well dad is dad, Cong has his own family and Mo does as well. Me, I’m rogue… It feels as if I’m doomed to feel this way always.

So, I made it over to Cong’s place with Cheeto and Chester. I didn’t do anything the entire day other than wallow in my sadness. It’s lame, but at least I got myself out. It’s strange how I can be so motivated and so eager to try new things, and then the holiday hits and I’m a completely different person. I’m lazy, I’m unproductive, I’m piggish, I’m everything decided by my feelings of loneliness.

I also thought about everything I wanted to do. The singing, the dancing, the soccer. What’s it all for? What am I chasing and or avoiding?

I was suppose to go to a dance meetup tonight for the first time, but obviously I can’t get up the motivation or desire to do that. Perhaps I am just all over the place like Erin said, and won’t pursue these desires beyond the surface. I don’t know, it’s all up to me.

Is it silly to just scream out to the world that I’m lonely?

HEY WORLD, I’M LONELY!

bleh.

BLEH BLEH BLEH.

OK..

So, next year.. I will:

  1. take my friends offer to hang with their family
  2. volunteer perhaps?
  3. make travel plans, go to the even instead of waiting for the event to happen to me

Although I am in a woe is me stage, I know I’m in control of the outcomes of my life. Perhaps that’s why I’m depleted of energy on some days, like today. Where I just sat on the couch where Leighann left me, got high, napped, and avoided responsibilities. Oh well. All that led me to being over here at Cong’s where the ache isn’t as damaging here.

I think what will heal the ache is a family. It’s terrible that I’m wanting what I don’t have. I have a family.. I have parents and siblings. But I don’t feel connected. I feel like our family is a party where no one really wanted to go to but had to. My family isn’t loving, it’s not filled with “how was your day?”, it’s not very supportive. It’s not abusive but it’s not warming either. That’s why I feel so alone.

Ashleys home!

 

Merry Christmas *<<=

I’m on the living room couch with Chester and Cheeto, Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

When I woke, the lonely ache barely touched me. I feel it most strong when I imagine Billy happy with his girlfriend this Christmas BUT  I digress. I mustn’t think about topics that make my heart hurt. Society tells me I should be with friends and family, opening presents, and such. But, I’m not, and that’s okay.

Leighann did text me last night asking of my plans today. I responded that I had nothing. She didn’t respond after that. I imagined her inviting to her family Christmas, I use to go many Christmas’s before. Each time, the chance of seeing her brother was enticing. To give you a little background, her brother was my first real crush. Even before the infamous Billy.

You know… I really don’t feel like talking about it because I don’t want to make it anything important.

Roots is on the television. One of my favorite series. There’s so much to analyze in this story. Perhaps I will once I dive deeper beyond the surface as Victor suggests.

The rest of the day, I will wrap my remaining gifts. Last night my gift wrapping was a hit. Time at Cong’s was pleasant over all. Cong liked his drone, Ashly really liked the cat poster. I think Sue and Kurt will enjoy the dinner and movie date cards. She, coincidentally, brought up wanting to watch Sing! so that was appropriate. My dad, I’m sure he’ll enjoy the cash gift. Everyone liked the books I got Lily so that was nice. In return, I got a really nice and cozy throw blanket from Ashly. I can’t get enough of these blankets. She gave me some pictures of Lily, one in a frame that is adorable and sitting on my desk. Sue and Kurt gave me a nice Christmas mug with hot cocoa.

I got Victor a little book called “Learn Something Everyday”. I don’t’ know if he’ll like it but I thought it was appropriate since he’s always teaching me something, about life. Lola got a Hello Kitty watch and a drawing book that piqued my interest. Twin got a little lab makeup bag she liked when we shopped, and a racer jacket. I don’t know if she’ll like the color. It’s dark green. There weren’t other colors that was medium, and those that were perfect in color had cheesy copy on it. Free is always good anyways. Jake got a pretty funny shirt. It’s a sloth with it’s arms crossed like Wolverine, it’s claws the wolverine claws. Angie gets a wine deck of cards with quick interesting facts, I want to get her another item but uncertain of what just yet.

I invited Leighann to come over if she gets bored later. I don’t know why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. Like if I stayed on the couch watching Roots all day alone, I think I’ll feel lonely. I started munching on popcorn Kevin sent the duplex and I keep thinking about food. Food ain’t gonna hold you, Vien!

Ok.. I will:

  1. Make lunch
  2. Log fitness foods
  3. Wrap gifts
  4. Bust out Alex’s site

I think much of my anxiety is based on the fact that I’m not doing anything to propel myself into the future I want. I’m not spending time with others, I’m not working on my hobbies. What I am doing though, is spending time with myself. ❤

If you don’t enjoy your present moment, no one else is going to either.

Merry Christmas Eve!

I am the very last minute shopper. I went to the mall around noon and just got back… that’s four hours of meandering guided by a desire to purchase well thought out gifts. I wanted to give who ever receives my gifts a little sparkle of energy. I thought I spent a lot but it looks like I spent as I budgeted: $400. I will no doubt go over it if I get more gifts from others and I need to reciprocate.

Buying gifts on Christmas is interesting for me because I am not Christian. At the very least, I am Buddhist. Growing up, we put up a tree because it’s what Americans did. We didn’t buy presents though. I remember wishing I would get presents but knew that wasn’t our custom. One year, my young mom and I went through the house in search of box shaped items and wrapped those up just to complete the Christmas tree picture. I wish my mom was here this Christmas, but that’s okay. I didn’t appreciate her much when she was here. But now that I wish she were, I don’t know if I’m growing as a person and have broken through walls I’ve built up or because I simply miss an ideal image of her. I guess I’ll find out when she gets home. I really hope it is the first option.

After I wrap these gifts I’ll make my way with Cheeto and Chester to Cong’s house. Ashly and her parents will be there. I hope I don’t get a little hurt if someone doesn’t return a gift to me. I went out to get things to make others feel better, not to expect something in return. Now I have to live up to that intention.

While I was shopping, a message came through the work channel that clouded my mood. Kerry sent a message, intended for my big I assume, to the weekend re-write channel. The message (not word for word) was, “Where was Sophie today (for the re-write help). Vien didn’t pop up either but I’m not as bugged by that”. Because she mentioned Sophie and I, I got a notification from Slack. After I read it, Slack crashed. When I logged back on, the message was gone. I don’t know if anyone else saw, I’m positive others did see.

Re-writes are new offers we have to write if the original offer junked in a readers inbox. I was pulled into the team to help and I believe I’ve done well so far. I haven’t received negative feedback.

Until that unintended comment. I feel disappointed in myself from the comment. It made me feel like I am not enough. Which, this job is so lax that I am not doing enough…but in away, that’s enough. I get my work done and I volunteer. I am not extremely passionate as a few others seem to be, being on 24/7. But I feel I do give my best (have been more so lately) to the task at hand. Always, there is room for improvement of course. Sophie was called out even more so than me. The way a few talk about her makes me self conscious about my performance. I dislike feeling this way. I don’t know if I’m naive to it, or if this is how working with women feels like. Back stabs and bus throwing. Anyways…

I have to search for a silver lining in this scenario. The silver lining is that they are expecting more from me (even though they don’t say so). I don’t want to throw my hat in like a race just because of this comment. I am going to continue what I’m doing, I’ll still help if I’m around, and I’ll continue to be positive. I can’t let remarks like this get into my head and exfoliate my developing skin. Well I talk about it? I don’t know. I don’t know what I want the outcome to be so I may pretend I didn’t see it or I’ll be open about it. I don’t want to kick myself in the butt, though, if I’m open about it. What I hope will happen is to give it time, once I feel more secure in my position comments like these won’t hurt me. I am a bit nervous since reviews are coming up to. I am very much a motivational writer, yet surface level lingerer so what I put in my comments in the reviews, might appear as bullshit to my supervisors. Especially now that Kerry called me out this way. Damn her. So, shall I act oblivious? Shall I gossip? Shall I be scared? Shall I be bullied? Shall I just let it roll off my shoulders?

I believe I will choose the last option.

Anyways…I must wrap quickly and head over to Cong’s. I’m already late, as I am a notorious late arriver…

I have Roots on too. I love that show. The revamp, not the original. I haven’t seen that.

Anxiety & The Silver Lining

I feel my anxiety talking. She’s taking things personal when she shouldn’t be. Why do I get offended if Erin isn’t responsive to my messages? Or Hannah isn’t? I do onto others a waiting period for my responses, so why do I get so hurt when others make me wait? Or doesn’t respond the way that I expected?

I’m getting sensitive because Erin made a comment about me being all over the place. Why do I get offended by her calling me out on that, but when Victor calls me out on it, I take his word as ‘a word from the wise’? I suppose ‘being all over the place’ triggers my fear of one day realizing that I am bi-polar or a manic of sorts and all these writings were just proof of that insanity rather than clarity. I also suppose, that is my choice. I can choose to believe myself to be ‘all over the place’ or I can choose to believe that I am in an exploration phase. Being all over the place such as expressing that I want to:

  1. visit africa
  2. go to a guitar meetup
  3. go to a dance course
  4. create a music website
  5. start playing soccer

Is my way of exploring my likes and dislikes. Do I believe I’m going to be exceedingly great at all of it? Not even 40%. I do believe that trying it out will help me see if I enjoy any of it. Also, it would be icing on top to fall in love with at least one, and make friends who enjoy the same thing! That would be amazing.

That’s not fair to Erin that I am offended by her and not by Victors comments. I’m going to work on not taking this personal and not being sensitive to others responses to me. I take their response as a validation for who I am when in reality, they are affected by their own mood of the day. Something may be going on in their life that I have no idea about, or they may be busy, who knows. Perhaps she’s not in need of my form of friendship with her girlfriends in town. I think what I may be fearing is the lost of friendship. This is a little frightening because, often, what you fear most will be attracted to you, the tighter you hold on to something, the more it will want to be free.

So, to bring it back to what is the take away. The lesson here is to loosen your grip on things, release your desire to form attachments. You are you independent of others as you were born this way. We all need each other, but we all need to realize that we live 100% of our lives within the room of our minds, and often how we act towards others or treat others are affected by the tint of the window our mind’s eye see through. We mustn’t take what we think is an act towards us actually an act meant to harm us. Often, we are the sideline gawkers in other’s lives. We can choose to be the hater, questioning ‘why did s/he do that to me?’ or we can choose to be the cheerleader who refuses to leave the stadium when her favorite team is playing even if she feels she’s unwanted. She realizes, all eyes aren’t on her but are on their own goals. I am choosing to be a cheerleader for my friends and family. That’s my choice and my silver lining.

Fear of losing friends is a deep fear of mine. I don’t want this fear in my life anymore, so today I am choosing to not be afraid of that. Whatever happens happens, I’m going to continue to develop and do what makes me feel good. I also thought of something while I was at the gym today:

The past is hard to let go of because in every person or thing you meet along the way, you give a unique piece of you to them. When they’re no longer in your life, a piece of you feels lost. If you allow yourself to let go of what wasn’t meant to be, you may be able to re-discover that piece of you again.

This is made possible because of present living. Holding on to the past keeps you from being attentive to the present. When you live in the moment, the piece you thought was lost will find its way through the broken cracks in your heart to shine on new people and old friends that etched themselves on the stone walls of your heart.

I mustn’t worry about losing friends, should I?