I am going to start living my life with a purpose today. Last night I realize I had an emptiness in my heart that I really thought Billy could fill. But, I asked myself, if I never ever met Billy, would I still fill empty as I laid on my bedroom floor? I realize that I would be. What will fill this empty feeling that I have?
I had another thought this morning – the importance of community. The reason belonging to a community is so important is so that a person can be seen and be heard. Billy joined the BJJ community, he is seen through his dedication and heard. I felt seen and heard when I joined Alpha Phi Gamma. This is a well stated reason as to why I’ve been searching for a community to join. The first step is always the hardest and this first step is learning what community I should join. The only way to figure that out is to explore outside of my four bedroom walls.Some of my ideas:
- Dance (modern)
- Pilot’s license
- Guitar – Band
Before I dig in deep, a smart way to go about it is to just observe. For example, instead of investing 3k dollars on a pilot’s license right out the gate, I’ll go on a private flight first, or a helicopter ride first. I’ll have to face my fear of social anxiety and get over thoughts that I am a quitter. A must during these explorations is to live in the moment. That’s the only way to truly know if I like something or not. It may be hard because I may overthink things that are unrelated, but, I think I am becoming better at deliberate practice.
I have to live with a purpose or else I will live thinking about Billy every single day ~ wanting what I can’t have every single day for the rest of my life.. Instead, I can discover new things that I want and can have and go after that. This is what singledom is about.
When we were younger we were thrown into communities and hobbies. We didn’t have sex driving us. At this age, sex is a big component and for women, the ticking clock gets louder. I may be one of those who will never get married and have children, even though that’s what I want. I will never because I won’t do it with anyone who doesn’t make me feel whole – which, is a very romantic view of love. But, I think it’s what we were suppose to do here. Love is invisible – it’s unexplainable, you can’t see it when it happens. I think it’s possible for everyone, but not always in the same life span. So, some of us are lucky and do end up with our other half, some will be uncertain, some of us will settle, and some of us will keep our hopes so high until the day we die – single. I think I’m in the last party. But life is unpredictable…
I just think this way because the only man I’ve ever felt like I truly, deeply loved, is out of my reach forever. Even if he was within reach, the perfect he that I created isn’t even real – so forever out of reach and I feel bitter.
That’s why I want to live with a purpose. To get over him.
This is my current life statement – the green portion will be forever changing.