My Heart Broke a Million Times

On his facebook wall were pictures of a beautiful Billy with beautiful girls. My heart, I felt it break a million times. I ran to the bathroom and cried. The night before, I was so close to texting him to come over. Not being on facebook since May, I had no idea he had moved on this way already. I accepted his friend request on snap chat – and wanted to delete him, but I fought back and forth and decided to keep him until it becomes a problem.

I went on a 5 mile run, I walked 3 miles. Seeing him this way, it motivates me to be a better person. To be happier – I don’t want to live my life wishing I was with him everyday and thinking my life would greatly be better if he wanted me back.

He’s not the answer… it hurts, I think of him and this beautiful girl – she is thin & blond. She’s on his profile picture, on his lap, on his mind, and he is constantly on mine.

It sucks right now…

But in a way, I know I’ll be okay. I’ll just think of him as that celebrity I banged in the past that now is a superstar – in that life I would have to move on as well knowing he’s in a better place with… perhaps better people in his mind.

I feel we switched spots. I, now, more of a recluse and shy away from large social gatherings if I feel uncomfortable. He, now, has friends left and right, has a hobby that opened his life up to the good in the world, and I.. well.. I feel lonely most nights. But I’ll be okay…

I still lost 40 pounds, and counting. I don’t want to yearn anymore. I want to be ready for my love when he comes into my life. These next 4 months are going to be rough, I’m going to feel lowest of the low, I’m going to think of him everyday, I’m going to have crying spells, I’m going to find comfort in food and other people, I’m going to feel the sadness I use to feel when I lost him before. This time, though, I’m going to be really better for it. This whole ordeal – that I’ve created and been alone in – taught me many things. Most importantly, it taught me to be wiser when picking a mate. I know what I want. I just wish that I could say things to him.

Dear you,

I wished you were a better man and let me go years ago. You don’t know what you want, or how you feel. You string me along, since day one almost. Your love was lost years and years ago, you are just light and I am the sound that follows only now figuring out who you are. This is the real you. You said you don’t want to commit and I don’t know if that was just a nice way of saying no to me, I wish you were just honest from the get go. As if that would hurt less. I don’t know if it would matter. I just absolutely hate that you have the upper hand. That after all the pain I felt with you, you end up the happier one. This isn’t a fairy tale – you’re not going to realize you messed up and come back, no you might have picked the right path for you. I don’t know you anyways.

Fuck you and everything I feel for you. It’ll soon be gone and  you will be indifferent to me as much as I’m indifferent to you. If you were a stranger, I think I would glaze over you and dismiss you as not my type.

Who I am today isn’t fitting for who he is today. He didn’t pick me, but that doesn’t make me less worthy of the love that I want. I don’t think he wouldn’t have been able to give me that kind of love anyways.

Tonight I’m finishing my guitar song for him and will work on alex’s site. I’m watching Cosmos and fighting off feelings of emptiness and loss. I’m still alive and healthy, life isn’t bad.



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