I went to the gym this morning. Yesterday, I weighed myself to be 136.2. That’s the lightest I have been since I can remember. I’m not stopping though, there’s no reason to. To live a purposeful life, I must be the best version of me possible. The best version of me is a fit and confident me. There are things I want to do with my life, some I know and some I haven’t explored yet.
Today I will work from home out of laziness and comfort. Even though the silence feels lonely at times. Perhaps in the future, when I’m in a better place, I will ask the 40Digits crew to lunch. I’ll have actual things to talk about, my exploration in my hobbies and such.
On the way home, traffic lasted for an hour which was not normal, I think it was an accident. I had a few moving thoughts:
- Billy: If Billy is with me out of comfort, he’s not going to be happy. He being unhappy will lead to my unhappiness. His unhappiness if he’s without me would make me even more focused on healing him. The only way for me to be happy, is for him to be happy with someone else. He is happy, I am not unhappy. I just haven’t found my happiness yet, but this state is a better state than if he were with me unhappily. Right now it sucks, and my heart literally aches. But I know I am better for it, even though the positives aren’t always in my face and visible.
- Food: If I am dedicated to solving problems either with work, hobbies, or other things and I don’t get stopped by a hurdle than I won’t run to food for comfort and procrastination. I left the gym early so I can buy myself more time to knock out work and some tasks on the website. I use to prolong gym trips, and do this and that before tackling work as a way to procrastinate. Not anymore. I’m going to take care of myself as much as I need to then tackle work.
I had another but I can’t remember.
Day 1 and start of day 2 of getting over him:
I’ve cried off and on, even though I said I wouldn’t cry for him anymore. I don’t feel bad, though, I’m going to cry if I want to. Of course my mind jumps from images of him groveling for my love to images of her on his lap and his heart feeling alive again. It hurts thinking of someone else bringing him happiness. But that’s why I’ve constructed thought 1 from above to help with that feeling.
I need to block his number and remove him from my snap chat. I go back and forth because:
- I said I’d always be a friend
- I want to keep the channels open
- I want him to eventually reach out to me and see me happy
All these points are self serving and only setting myself up for even more pain. The reality is:
- We are exes, we got together and played the part we needed to to move ahead. I boosted his confidence by openly wanting him, now he’s living out the life he wants. He broke my heart and motivated me to live the life I want, that’s worth living, if 2nd to a life with him. My goal is to make it a life I’d pick over a life with him. He’s not a friend to me, he’s an ex, an ex that I still love deeply and am mourning after. He will never be a friend. If he is in a dire situation, he’ll know how to reach me by using his brain and some problem solving.
- Keeping the channel open is pretty much saying I am waiting for him to get tired of his current life and realize that he’s not happy without me in it. Next point.
- He’s not going to do this.
The pro points:
- I can freely post on snapchat
- Eventually, I’ll get back on facebook and delete him too.
- I will grow to not expect a text from him since his number is blocked – even though right now I’m thinking I’ll wait for a weird text and it’ll be him. Wishful thinking again.
I’ll forgive myself if I block and unblock him, I am ever changing and my decisions will vary from moment to moment.
Ok. On to starting the day.