Update ~ Impulse Change

I was encouraged to cut off all ties with Billy after reading a couple of online articles:

Community Support & Fantasy & It’s Effect

The first article came from women who repeated one advice ~ cut off all ties.

Some helpful things they said:

  1. “You still love him because you have allowed yourself to continue the relationship with him. You have been fuelling your feelings. You need to stop talking to him.”
  2. (1) If he really loved you, he wouldn’t have moved for the job. (2) In TEN YEARS he never found the time to visit you… this doesn’t sound like a guy who loves you. (3) The fact that he gave the impression he was single, says to me that he was trying to cheat on his current partner, with you. My impression is this guy is a player.”
  3. It will make a great story to tell your daughter some day when she gets her heart broken… it happens to the best of us and it never hurts any less but you WILL heal…
  4. I think that was what I loved: the mystery and romance. It took some time, but now, I recognize that at the end of the day, mystery and “romance” don’t keep me warm on cold nights, but love does. You’re in love with your past, sweetheart, and that’s ok. Just make sure you fall in love with your present and future more.

I didn’t read all the comments, but I greatly appreciated the advices. I quickly called T-Mobile and on impulse, changed my number. His number will forever be locked into my head, but I have enough self control now to not contact him. I don’t, though, have enough self control to not wait for him to contact me. With changing my number, I won’t wait anymore. I blocked him on Snapchat as well. I am effectively remove him from my physical life. The only way he will ever see me again is if we run into each other. Even then, on that day, I truly hope my heart has healed and I am whole. Mentally, he’s still here. But I’m reminding myself that the he I love is not the he that exists.

This leads me to article #2. This talks about our tendency to create fantasy as an escape/coping mechanism. I have been daydreaming and fantasizing about love and better days since I can remember. Billy intertwined himself in these fantasies. This article repeats the notion that living in fantasy takes you away from your current reality. It’s not healthy to believe in these fantasies as I’ve believe in the Billy I thought he was. He doesn’t exist.

In my life, I want to be able able to say that I truly lived. I’ve been asleep for so long, living only in my dreams and fantasies. I want to close that door in my life and start making my reality a dream to live. I want to be a good strong link in the chain of life ~ Neil Degrasse Tyson. I don’t know what that entirely will look like. But I think I’ve made it to the doorway of the 4 walls I’ve been hiding in.

I want to fly.

I want to sing.

I want to dance.

I want to fall in love.

I want to stay in love.

I want to have children.

I want to pass on words of love and encouragements to the next generation because in doing so, they will flourish and grow. I want to live in the moment and not in my head or others heads.

I think today is the first day of my life.

 

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