I’m crying again. Thinking of him. It hurts in my heart. I dropped Z-Shan off this morning and realized something that might expose something deeper in my insecurities and may explain why I think Billy is the only one. During the ride, I felt like I had to entertain, I felt like I was boring compared to other people. It’s why I’m still single. I stopped myself from bashing myself too much and becoming too awkward but was still highly insecure.
Why do I feel I am less than? Why do I judge myself on others energy around me? Why do I judge myself harshly? I tried starting the convo and he responded but didn’t try to start the conversation. Why did I immediately take offense to it? I don’t have the answers, but I know I shouldn’t be doing that to myself. I know I felt it deep in my heart – a certain ache of “you’re not enough” even though I know I am. I know it’s not logical and it doesn’t have to be this way. I am enough.
I felt this way yesterday when I was in a group setting. I just don’t feel like what I have to say is valuable, and what I do have to say is so laced with wanting to say what others hear, or making a joke. I want to form my own opinions and not think of me in a group setting. instead, I just want to be. First step is realizing it, second step is really feeling the pain that focusing on that insecurity brings, third step is to learn to live with it, and maybe one day, step four it will be gone. I think once I lose that insecurity, I’ll lose my love for Billy. I’ll miss our chemistry, but at least, I’ll be more inviting and more myself so that love is more welcomed.
Being with Billy was easy because he was socially awkward. Anything I said or do, I felt cool around him. He was easy to make laugh, and I laughed often around him. I also felt unwanted and unimportant when I was with him too. He gave me a sense that I was just enough to be on his plate. And because my self esteem was and still is a bit low, that was and may still be enough for me.
But I don’t want it to be. I know I’ll be miserable day in and day out if we were together if the same issues arise. I always think the grass is greener on the other side, but I know that it rarely is. Him loving someone else adds to the feeling that I’m not enough. I already question myself enough, I shouldn’t let others who make me feel like I am not enough, around me.
What am I wanting to be enough for?
- other’s love
I think that’s all I’m pining for. Genuine love for me. Because… I don’t feel it for myself yet. The reason why I seek to dive into hobbies is to find a community, I want to flourish in the community and feel seen and heard. I’ll have this to fill me up when I feel down on myself.
So anyways. This week has been a little depressing. Yesterday I spent the entire time writing a song about this heartbreak instead of getting work done. Today, I must get good work done, it’s hard to focus, but I will.
I may go home and work from Cong’s house. Ashly and Lily will be there. Even though I don’t know if it’ll make me feel better, a change of scenery and a smiling face and a beautiful baby may brighten me up.