Day 4 & An Unending Post

Today is day 4 since I’ve seen the pictures. It’s still pretty rough, trying to focus during the day. I didn’t want to stay inside so I worked from Starbucks, moved to Barnes and Noble (picked up a breakup book), came home to dog park the dogs, then to Starbucks to fight through work.

I think of him, happy with her. I see him giving her his kind eyes. I hear love songs and I imagine his heart feeling elated with thoughts of her. This makes me nauseous but my obsessive mind won’t take it easy on me. I’m so strong yet so fragile at the same time. I am so afraid of breaking, but so hopeful for what my future holds. I don’t know if I’m going to survive feeling this way. Here’s our history:

2007ish – I flirted with him and got the ball rolling. This is a frequent pattern in my failed romances. I always initiate it with whom I’m attracted to.

2008 – He moved to Columbia, terrible long distance relationship ensues. I should have ended things at this point.

2010 – I move there, I continue to be a leech on him

2011 – I moved back home, I think we stopped talking here

2016 – Ran into him randomly, initiated intimacy yet again, & got my heart broken

We were two lost souls clinging on each others distorted idea of what love was suppose to be. We both came from unhealthy parental relationships, that’s how we clicked. And now, that connection is gone. I don’t have a lot of people I can be 100% myself around, he was the first window to what happy could be. I’m obsessed with looking out of it. Now, when I do, I only see that picture of him and her, cheek to cheek again. When you see someone you love sharing themselves with someone else, a little part of you dies. The part where it was just you and him and the same energy you both produced. Now, it’s just your energy, he tore off his side and it hurts. It’s like a limb, freshly amputated. I hate seeing him happy and out and about, flaunting other beautiful girls. The truth is, I’m really hurt by this. He never flaunted me, or brought me around his friends. He took hours and sometimes days to respond to me. I don’t know why I’m so hooked on his absent love. must have just been use to it, I guess, and expect nothing more. When I got it, with Kevin, I adored it. But chemistry wasn’t there, not like the chemistry Billy and I shared. So I left it only to find that he still has little respect for me truly.

A part of me hopes he still hasn’t and that he’d be miserable in the end – that’s the spiteful me talking. But, truly, I want to be so over it that I am no longer affected by thoughts, sights, or memories of him. And today, if he asked to see me, I would drop everything in a heart beat to be by his side. Keyword is today… tomorrow very likely the same, and the next day and the next day. But one day will come where I’ve not thought about him for maybe half an hour straight…then that half hour will turn into an hour, then a few hours, then maybe, an entire day! And then, when the clouds clear, that would be the day where I walk with my head held high with no more tear left wanting to come out because a memory of him slipped back into my head.

That day I will truly believe the fact that his treatment of me is in no way a reflection of my worth as a person. I will not take personal his actions that caused me pain. He is his own person, with his own thoughts, desires, and perceptions. It’s not me. It’s him. If he wants what he thinks is better – I’ll step aside.

Me changing my number yesterday was a HUGE step. I struggled with deleting his number for a decade. Yesterday, I took the fucking choice away from him. I took myself off his plate completely. He’ll never touch me again. The thought of that squeezes my heart currently, ringing out whatever tears are left tonight. He’ll never touch me again… What hurts even more is realizing, he most likely wasn’t going to choose me in the first place. Come on, I have SO MUCH to work on before I’m an asset to anyone (especially myself) anyways so he, to be fucking honest, is doing both of us a favor.

My obsession with him exposes all that I feel is wrong with myself. I love who I am at the core, but I have so much more that I want to be and feel – especially to not feel.

Here is an honest look at my mental state:

  • Sometimes I feel isolated with my emotions. I have girlfriends, but I am not comfortable with opening up to them. Forget about family, we don’t talk much – especially not about our emotions.
  • Social anxiety gets me. I wish I wasn’t so alive inside my own head, and instead, would live in the moment. Be apart of the crowd rather than the odd quiet guy. Even around people whom I’m not sure of, I get quite anxious. I put pressure on myself to talk, which ends up awkward.
  • Slutty and stupid – when I think of the coworker incident, I feel extremely slutty and extremely stupid
  • Professional life – I don’t have a professional life focus. All I think about is stupid love, and stupid Billy, daydreams, and unproductive thoughts. When we all get together in March – I hope to god I’m not a mental mess like now… But I hope to God I’m not acting like I’m someone I’m not
  • Social life – again, I am awkward. I overly think about how many friends I have and how many are true. I get down on myself a lot about my persistent thought of “not enoughness”
  • Self esteem – right now it’s quite low unless I’m exercising. My nose is huge, my boobs are saggy, my thighs are dark near the crest of my crotch – not sure if it’s because it’s been chubby all it’s life or this is how I was built and I can only see it now that I’m thinner. All this negativity whilst I’m the lightest I’ve ever been. It exposes my imperfections much more
  • Weight loss IS NOT THE SOLUTION. IT’S JUST THE BEGINNING of finding your truth

These are all the doubts, insecurities, negativities, that persist inside my head and secretes out of my pores creating the energy around me to be.. less than.

Here is what I’d like my mental state to look like eventually:

  • I’ve created a good support system, with 2 or 3 close girlfriends to confide in
  • I’ve been able to live more in the moment, and provide valuable input to group discussions and hangouts. I don’t let my self talk interrupt my time with my friends
  • The girl who thinks she is and the girl who thinks she isn’t are both correct
  • I’ve set aside personal insecurities to really live to the fullest – this extra time allows me to flourish my professional career
  • I’ll no longer be counting the number of friends but the number of good conversations I have with people from all walks of life
  • My self esteem is healthy – I am not big headed nor insecure
  • I’ll maintain my weight and create a healthier state of being for myself

I’m off to start reading the break up book… I know it’s a little lame that we really didn’t just break up. But it feels like it, being that I didn’t give myself this time when we first went through this. I’ve always put myself second to him, because I didn’t want to put myself first. Not being I was noble, but because I didn’t want to invest in myself, I didn’t want to dig under the first layer of hobbies. I just leeched onto Billy like I leech on to my sister and my brother. I didn’t have my own life. It was all about him, and then I blamed him for retracting.

I can’t blame him. I just hate thinking of him and her. So why do you keep thinking of him and her. It’s an addiction. It’s like eating really good food. Even though we’re not together, and it really hurts, feeling something in regards to him feels good. Which is so unhealthy and toxic.

I can’t be jealous of other women anymore. This girl who I will imagine is marrying him, is wonderful. She is sweet, she is kind, she is funny, she is everything that I am not. She is who I strive to be, not because she has his love, but because those points I am imagining her to be only reflects what I want to be.

I had a women’s development call today where I sat as a fly on the wall. It was inspiring being with other strong and empowered women. That is who I want to work to be, I want to live outside of my head and take charge of things beyond me. Life isn’t just about pining for the love of someone who truly doesn’t want you. Life is about laughing loud, dancing with your heart out, kissing till you’re sleepy, chatting till your voice box is shot, being in nature, exploring your natural abilities, surrounding yourself with those who bring you love, and most importantly, valuing and validating yourself.

Anyways… I miss.. that guy. But, one day, I won’t. Because I’ll realize what I was missing was within me all along. I look forward to that day.

 

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