Day 5 & The Pursuit of Happiness

I took myself out of bed at almost 6 am this morning. Normally it’s not a struggle but I slept pass my usual wake up time since I stayed up till past 1 a.m. doing things people in heartbreak recovery do. I made a break up playlist last night as well that I listened to during my workout.

I ran my fastest mile ever – A little under 9 minutes. The songs that got me most were:

  1. Better Man: I connected with this because the woman has finally let go of her mate. She knows how harmful he was but still yearns for him during lonely nights. But, she is where I am, that moment you actually, finally, really, let him go.

2. Knee Deep: This one makes me really happy. It does a good job taking me to the beach he sings about. It’s a ‘don’t worry about a thing’ song.

3. Over It: This is an oldie but forever goodie. Just over his eyes, his smile, realize, you’re over wanting him to be wanting you.

4. Haven’t Met You Yet: Also an oldie but goodie song. You just haven’t met him yet ; )

This experience has made me realize how much music means to me. Remember that post I wrote about your passion being right under your nose the entire time? I truly believe music is it for me. It was my first ever therapist. Growing up in an ambivalent inducing household, I didn’t have anyone to talk to about my feelings. Music was the only thing that seem to spit how I felt back at me in a much more clarifying and enlightening way. Creating music, to me, feels euphoric when it’s good. Running also creates euphoria.

I am getting more fit, I can run at 7 miles and hour, even 8 miles and hour for 2 miles. The challenge now is to maintain that speed. I also enjoy writing, it takes up hours of my day. It fights for time against work, and I’m nervous it will show with work! But, it’s a must during this time of recovery.

Something that has helped with this journey is the book I picked up yesterday. The Breakup Bible – 2 important things I learned from skimming:

  1. Billy is categorized as the “Pitier” type of boyfriend. This type of boyfriend says things like “You deserve better”, “I’m a shitty person” and the likes that shows he just feels sorry for himself. The author writes that it’s his way of not trying to control his behavior in a passive aggressive way.
  2. I have an ambivalent attachment style due to how I was raised. This has been the sore that causes my social anxiety, low self-esteem, inability to get deeper with platonic relationships, and am ok with being treated without respect (from Billy).

It still hurts, because bottom line is that I let him in and ripping him out hurts. Seeing the benefits in the long run is hard because it’s not always apparent, and it’s a leap of faith. Saying, I’ll throw myself into my hobbies and treating myself right so that I can grow into someone I love. It’s not a guarantee, so it will still hurt and it will take time for every sore to heal. The beautiful thing about this mess is that he isn’t the main character. He’s just a side piece to me realizing my life, and possibly (long run bet here), reaching my potential.

I feel as though I’ve been held back by self doubt, much of which placed there by someone other than me. I didn’t have a role model growing up so there was no voice to correct my negative self talk. I just had music, writing, running, and binge eating. I’m realizing, by reaching out to resources and reading other’s stories, that it’s not all my fault. My awkwardness, my depression, my everything that I think is wrong in life, isn’t all of my fault. Realizing that makes me feel like change can happen because it’s not innate. I wasn’t born with it all. I might be introverted at heart, but the feeling that that is actually wrong was placed there. Anyways, I’m trailing off here.

I am to focus more on work. I’m planning on going to Starbucks again. I have to reach out to my boss to ask about clarity on a project that I’ve been pushing off. Work sores..

Sores – I’m labeling these as topics that makes me uncomfortable… honestly, right now almost every situation makes me uncomfortable unless I’m writing, playing guitar, or running…

Here’s a breakdown, and some updates

  • work: guilt of not doing enough
  • friendships: guilt of not being a good enough friend
  • family: no more guilt here. I choose not to be made felt bad.
  • relationships: guilt of not having a better support group

I intend to heal all these sores, I know others will pop up, but I’ll tackle them as they come.

 

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