Day 6 ~ Up & Down

I’ve taken myself to the gym between 5:30-7am everyday this week. I see a lot of progress with my body, but there is much left to do and there is much left to accept. I’ve returned a full length mirror to my room. I dance in front of it when I want, and look at myself naked when I want.

Better Man was on replay for about 70% of my exercises. I don’t know how I feel right now, in my room, watching Cosmos, but here are some thoughts I jotted down during my exercises:

  • Radio silence was a huge problem when we dated. It seems he hasn’t changed. Is that what you want?
  • He is intertwined with the past you, where your parents attention was sparse.
  • Changing of song meaning. Better man..now is inspiration. This woman knows her worth. It hurts but she’s cutting her losses and moving on. Losses will soon be gains of a well examined life. I think Billy valued this in me and he learned from me in this arena. I’ll allow myself to believe that at the very least.
  • He too might be repeating a pattern. His dad’s extramarital affairs and his mom’s extreme attachment to him. He pigeon holed me to play his mom’s part. I was a comfortable repeat. I didn’t have to be but was because we were a mix of underdeveloped chemicals. I see a little clearer today. I miss him but I wouldn’t have been able to develop the way that I am with him. He couldn’t with me, as painful as that truth is.
  • It hurts to think, “perhaps he’s already there with someone else.” My imagination shows me that he is enlightened and has a wonderfully bright life ahead of him, one without me. Why do I “imagine” that for him? Is it really my own insecurities and fear of really stepping towards my own wonderfully bright life ahead of me, without them?
  • In letting go of what I understood as love, and being open to the big mystery,  my electron will find me. I’ll do things I would want to do as if we’ve already found each other. I don’t want to waste it on the couch or in tv, I want to be out.
  • You know it’s love when you didn’t even have to try. Like protons and electrons, their attraction towards each other is inevitable the closer they get.
  • My mom stayed unhappy…her glimmer of happiness was mine. So now I’m use to only glimmers. No. I’m not agreeing with that. I would have left my dad in her shoes.
  • Mom only had dad for emotional support all these years… That explains so much
  • Don’t judge yourself for anything other than your pursuit of passion. That may be the only thing you will be known for that you have a shot at being good at.
  • If I learned a single thing from this, it is that we all have the ability to create friendships when we are born. It is the environment that molds you into which category you belong to. You can reject it if it makes you unhappy. It will take a lot of time, possible tears, and heartbreaks but know that re-molding of deeply ingrained beliefs can be an excruciating process.
  • Your body is a vessel for your soul. You get weaker as you age because the energy is spent growing. Your soul’s age stays the same, you just become wiser. Live your life for your soul and be prepared to leave your body when the time comes. I don’t believe that this is it.
  • I love my mom. Women must stick together for emotional support. Men…well the ones I’ve chosen have sucked at that. My girlfriends though, I think I did well there. I just need more time to grow and become a better friend to myself and to others. Billy included. The day I forgive him will be the day I fully understanding why he was in my life and why letting him go was right. Just like leaving 40Digits. I’m doing what’s needed to actualize, guilt free.
  • Writing to me is like talking to my best friend, I’m obsessed with it! There’s so much to learn about yourself and others, that only writing can teach. I have a lot of emotional knots to smooth out and I don’t want to burden others with my underdeveloped thoughts. I want friendship but now I know to control my need for opening up and getting validation. Instead I’ll live in the moment and respect my friends. I’ll create myself the environment I want when I’m ready to be open. I’m making my bed.
  • I think billy may be wiser and it crushes me. I’m in love with his potential still. And his new girl I’m using as a reflection of what I missed out on. I think this is dangerous thinking and needs to be explored.
    • Billy is wiser, why does that affect me?
      • I’m missing out on happy & enlightened moments with him
      • I have these enlightened moments that I want to share with him
      • He’s just so attractive now
      • We connected on a soul level.. I’m afraid I won’t find the same connection again
    • I’m in love with his potential still
      • I was in love with who I wanted him to be then, and I’m in love with who I’ve convinced myself he is now
      • I’m ‘missing out’ on this potential
    • His new girl
      • This is such a sore of a topic. I absolutely hate thinking about other girls with him and what they could possibly mean to him.
      • My imagination of who she is is a reflection of who I want to be. Not because she has him, but because she got him. One way street. I truly don’t think, if I respected and valued myself as much, I would not respond to his stimulation. He fulfills the lack of attention I was getting – if I pay attention to myself, he’ll have nothing of value to me
    • Affirmative Thoughts
      • I am more enlightened than I ever have been in my life, and I am also as single as I have been in all my life. Is this merely a coincidence? His validation of my ideas hasn’t worked before… when I turn to him with my ideas, I expect him to respond a certain way based on who I imagined him to be and when he didn’t, I was put off. Which was immature on my part.
      • I have these enlightened moments because of his treatment towards me. It exposes in me, what I am missing. Because of that, I am driven to digest my emotions and adapt for the better
      • We did connect, so well, but I have to believe that he’s not the only person I’ll have this connection with. We connected on our woes growing up, and that’s probably reason enough to let go. He isn’t my electron, he’s another proton and that’s why our universes aren’t meant to be together
      • He is very attractive, but he’s not perfect at all.
      • His potential is who I envision myself being with when I’m older. His potential is described under “Starbucks Lover”. I have to realize that he’s not my idea of what his potential is. Every single one of us has potential within us, it doesn’t make Billy special that his is being actualized. Mine is as well, he’s not getting anything from the universe that I’m not.
      • I don’t know how to affirm myself when it comes to other women in his life… I still feel shitty when I think of this. But, my feelings about it is so ingrained in me, way before he and I got together. It ties with the topic of developing friendship skills – friend not foe.

Starbucks Lover

  • He was very very handsome and very married and far ahead in the universe. But, I imagined being the girl he loves and what she might look like and be driven by. I want a beautiful love like what I imagined he had, inside and out. Again, these are fantasies…
  • (Potential) I guess, right now, it’s my way of motivating myself to become better. I want a healthy love. I want my love to understand my upbringing, how I think and why I think it, and I want my love to respect me and be compassionate towards me. As I will be towards him. I didn’t get this from Billy.
  • And then I realize, above is way too much expectation for anyone. There isn’t enough time in the world to have that kind of understanding to be an expectation. Focus on yourself, he’ll focus on himself, and together, we’ll charge up our atom.

Fears:

I am afraid of not reaching my potential before I die. This fear is in part due to not realizing what my potential even is. How do you quantify that? I guess you can first look at what a fulfilling life looks like for you. It varies from people to people and it takes time to discover. People always say life isn’t a race. It sure feels like it sometimes, given the small amount of time we have here to “be all we can be” and live up to the “YOLO” movement. My whole life has been a directionless search for people and things that could make me happy. It’s not a surprise that this activity didn’t have the results I wanted, but in analyzing why what I was doing wasn’t working, I was able to clear the obstructing things in my view to clearly see my North Star and the road it’ll take to get there. 

I am afraid, that in blue is just my manic talking. How will I ever reach my North Star if I don’t have enough endurance to stay the course? That’s something that will be my life’s challenge. If I don’t become someone notable, at the very least, I hope to have built a life that would allow me to die happy – because that would mean all my pain and revelations meant something. And, that means I can pass on all that my soul has learned on Earth to my son and or daughter. And perhaps she can carry on my memory and realize her potential. In a way, that is time travel. You live within your offspring by the DNA you’ve passed on as well as how you raise them, we already achieved immortality if we choose to believe this. If I never meet my electron, then I hope to still have a fulfilling life. My impact will be those I reach with my writing, and maybe music, as well as my nieces and nephews. I’ll live on that way.

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