Yesterday was really hard, as is this morning. I think having my workload shoved to today instead of being tackled yesterday adds to the feelings of it being hard. All self created… the quote book I’m reading addresses this. To paraphrase, there are quotes that encourages you to act on your words, and happiness is when what you think, say, and do are harmonious. I’ve been complaining about work, indulging in my self pity of unrequited love and deep seeded emotional issues, and thinking of better days. To be fair, I feel I am doing what’s needed to heal. Although, it doesn’t feel like it when I still cry and miss him.
Yesterday’s silver lining, though, was dinner with Sam and Brenell, followed by good conversations with Loan and her new boyfriend (whom I just met last night!). Loan is one of the two people that knows I feel broken about Billy, to what extent I’m unsure. Loan and Erin both have experienced similar heartbreaks. I thought I was getting better about talking about it, but I felt a large lump in my throat and tears in my eyes when Loan brought Billy up. Both times I was able to hold on my tears and carry on the conversation, which is a big step for me.
Still, I felt really sad about it. I truly don’t know if I’ll ever be ‘over him’. Some say you never get over it, you just learn to live with it. I don’t want to live with this dark cloud forever 😦
I have a optimistic and a self pity side – optimistically I feel I am getting better everyday and growing into myself more, growing my ability to love others in correlation to loving myself. Because I work remote, I now want to better appreciate conversations with girlfriends, also, if anything it helps me get out of my head space and into another’s for a moment, which is freeing.
The self pity side – well, you know all about that. I’m not worthy or beautiful enough for the love that I see. The girl who thinks she is and the girl that thinks she isn’t are both correct. Right now, I truly think I’m not but I’m working towards believing that I am. In order to believe that I am, I think I must start living in the moment instead of existing in the past. Do what I think I want to do, do what I’ve said I’ll do, and do what makes me feel good. Complain less as well. This job has been the easiest, least stressful job ever bestowed on me. It’s easy to take advantage and not produce to your potential, but is it right? Does it make me feel good? No, it makes me feel good to throw myself into work and be highly focused. Currently, my focus is Billy, but I will be able to transfer that focus power to something more fruitful.