Random Thoughts Throughout the WorkDay

 

  • things don’t happen for a reason – and it’s your job to figure out that reason to realize why you’re glad it didn’t happen. Or you can let go and move on?
  • Am I doing too much examining instead of moving on? is this just a silly effort to make myself feel better about me and feel like i’m superior to billy just because of this? he’s just living his life while i examine the remnants of what happened. if the end result is me living my life, in the moment, then it was worth it. trial and error… writing is the trial, self examination is a trial. just because i lost weight doesn’t mean what i do and think is right..that’s just a disguise. i have to keep moving and keep examining and questioning myself. i think i will know when my soul has reached the surface of my skin.
  • i shouldn’t beat myself for self examining alot. it’s my way of coping with the pain. just like running and starting songs is for me. it just feels like alot right now because for some reason i have a lot to say, im thinking a little clearer today. maybe this could be a path to something I would like. Mental health has always been a topic of importance and it’s growing – this is my way of having a positive mental health. In hundreds of years time, people are going to think we lived so backwards by undervaluing the importance of mental health.
  • example of positive: i hated lutti. she was hateful towards me. but i realize.. she clung on to billy and wanted from him want her husband didn’t give to her. Billy was between his dad’s infedility, and probably picked up his dad’s lack of communication with his mom, and at the same time had to be consoling towards his mom. I remember him holding her as she broke down. i remember him saying he never wants to do that to another woman. That’s alot for a kid to go through. The irony is, I am in the same boat as Lutti. She and I are more alike that she would ever know. I broken hearted over her son, who treated me the same way her husband treated her. She hated me, instead, in realizing this shared experience, i’m beginning to let go of that anger. at least thats my understanding of it.. i dont know, there’s no such thing as truths when it comes to the human mind and why we do the things we do. we can only guess – and sometimes, if these guesses promote an inner change that points us to what we think is our northstar, then we call it enlightment.
  • I enjoy it though…
  • single – why we need it. over population of women. causes songs, media.. more options to be different definition of women. men have a lot of us to pick from. if you aren’t ready to be picked, you’ll know.?
  • use this time to define us – that is key to lasting relationships. divorce happens when you weren’t ready? i don’t know.. i need to research things i’m not familiar with. divorce, overpoulation, music media influences. etc.
  • we have a need to relate and be connected. we have a need to know we are not alone in  our struggles.
  • find a friend or two in life that are those who we can talk to like we talk to ourselves. who muse in our musings, entertain our curiosity, and are responsive.
  • it still hurts. my soul loved him, our souls touched for a point in time. the place he touched is still throbbing with pain. the honest embarrsing truth is i dont want him to be happy because i’m not happy. selfish right? is that even love at all?
  •  it’ll take time to heal. no matter how much positivity i can think up, it will hurt and time is a patient beast when it’s working for you. Time demands that you follow through with your resolves before you can be tested again. right now, the answer is still yes to him. Time, though, will shape my lips to a smiling no.
  • dont be sad when friends let you down or don’t meet your expectations. don’t have any expectations for them, thats what unconditional friendship means. just be grounded in yourself even though they’re not responsive the way you want. you must not take it personal or undervalue your attributions to the friendship. you have no idea what they’re doing or going through, everyone is  dealing with their own personal struggle, don’t add on to it by being sensitive and causing more stress on them. find things to do if you’re bored and  maybe in doing so, you can find new friends that, instead of meeting an expectation, opens your eyes to different possibilities.
  • when we were young and i asked myself if i saw him as my husband for life, i thought no. in retrospection, and this is fragile becuase it’s based on memory with addages of my gettig older, the young vien knew all along and was wise beyond her years in this realization. she just didn’t trust herself..but maybe it was needed for this moment in time to happen. All this writing and pouring of my heart. He is the topic of my days but my growth is what I am seeking. I realize now, he didn’t make me feel the way i wanted to feel. he emulated what i already was feeling at home, glimmers of happiness but more often sad over him. right now, the way i feel in my heart for him would still be felt whether i’m with him or without him.. let that digest.. with him, i would still feel this pain. the young vien wanted more from love and life. she tried to leave him a few weeks into dating, but he convinced her to stay. and she latched on ever since then.
  • Sherlock, in looking through a women’s phone, talking to lab assistant:
    • is that your girlfriends?
    • you think it’s my gfs because i’m looing thru her phone?
    • we all do strange things
    • unhealthy relationship insight from Sherlock
  • I want to be irene adler. sherlock is effing hot, and she’s got him in cahoots. and that’s because she smart, focused, and confident.
  • my struggle – consistency. effected by ebb and flow of confidence
    • remember that you once ‘hated everyone’. that’s because of your expectation of them. you enjoyed this period bc you felt unaffected by your perception of others treatmeant towards you. but it wasn’t sustainable. you don’t hate everyone, you need people. from that, though, you must remember the lesson that other’s actions don’t have to affect you
  • an idea can destroy an entire civilization…
    • all my progress, i stumbled on obsession with writing to see if others write as much as i do in a day.. i ran into hypergraphia. now i’m questioning every positive thought I’ve had and connections i’ve made. i’m back down to be inferior to everyone.. at a loss without billy.. i’m weird, this ‘improvement and weight loss’ was just a mental disorder actualizing…
      • disorder can lead to victimhood
      • self control is cure
      • the reason i shouldn’t let these manic thoughts trigger my downfall. look at this article. i feel better about it because i t talks about the disorder in a positive way: https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200705/quirky-minds-hypergraphia-river-words
      • my opinion is so easily swayed.. this is an issue here… i freaked out and a simple article of someone elses opinion made me feel better
  • group setting anxiety – i must be in the moment to report back in writing
  • i think writing took over my addiction to food…
  • am i merely inventing all this up to avoid feeling like i really did fuck up and am worthless…
  • im currently internally freaking out – correc those thoughts. talk yourself out of it.
    • importance of getting out of the house and being on a sport or team
    • writing alot is great because you love it, but you must get out and get fresh ideas in the mix. you can’t isolate yourself or else you’ll go mad
  • insecur
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