Attachment – according to a quote from the book – creates all life’s sufferings. I agree with this quote. Attachments to people, ideas, and beliefs is what makes the heart break when the attachment is threatened by life happenings. It is why being smart and deliberate about who you choose to attach yourself to is so important.
I’ve not talked to Dad since Thursday. I will again, but not today. I need time to heal. I realize my attachment to him and his to me is unhealthy. I realize I can choose the kind of love I want to get and I feel I deserve – if only because I will give it right back. I had a breakthrough expression on my way to the gym earlier. I spoke in Vietnamese as if I were talking to dad about what hurts me and what keeps me silent. It felt freeing. I’ve never spoken more clearly and eloquently in Vietnamese before and no one was there to witness and understand except for me.
I’m in control of the love I get. I do this by being in control of who I surround myself with and who I choose to be and do with my limited space and time. I changed by number last week. I repeat it often here because it was such a significant move. We’ve had the same number for 10 years and it was the last road home where the weed and tall grass hasn’t grown over and hid the clear and easy path for him. Changing my number was symbolic of ripping off the moist bandaid laid over my unhealed heart, closing up the only obvious road there, isolating me in a temple of deep self reflection.
He does not have me on facebook, or snapchat, now there is no number to call. He knows where I live, and he has my very old email address. It is not impossible to reach me even though he might quit after getting no response from my old number. 80% of me feels he won’t ever even try. Love would make you do what you think is impossible. I’m letting him go because I do love him. I need this time to heal from any kinds of love of attention from men although If rather have Billy. It might be because he is the easy way to self love. If he loved me then I wouldn’t have to try as hard to love me. I speak and write of him all the while he has no idea and is happy with perhaps the beautiful blond on his Facebook profile.
I find comfort in this at the very least. In a not very distant past, he had to let me go too. Then I fell for the he that became in the space we didn’t affect each other. I came back for him. Now its my turn to let him go and grow in the current space where there is no trace of him. If he comes back, then it was meant to be. If he doesn’t, well, it wasn’t meant to be. And perhaps one day…neither of us will be left waiting at the train stop eventually.
That thought scares me. I’m letting go but I don’t want to. Who is me without you? If just the idea of you that I’ve chased for 10 years.
I’m scared but confident…
Some of my motivational thoughts today:
Little joys in life are found in lessons and exercises which eventually proves to you your true capability. The joy comes as a jolt of excitement…trial, error, trial, achievement. I felt it today while setting up the WP site and I want to keep feeling it. You only really start to age when you stop seeking growth and challenges.
The day I realize I didn’t have to put men before my own desires was the freest day of my life. It was also the day I realize I can say no to whom ever does not respect, value, persue, and encourage me, whom does not nourish my soul. It was that day I truly believed in nurture over nature. The nature of being is equality for all living things. It is the pursuit of power that puts us in tiers. I was born equal to my brother but social rules say I am worthless if not for the man that I falls for me and the deeds I can do to cater to his feelings.