I don’t like boredom, even worse, I’m too lazy to alleviate the boredom and too introverted to conversate with my roommate. How wonderful it would be to have a guy like my imagined Billy to lay next to me, and just shoot the shit with me. I miss those days – I haven’t had that in a long time, even with Kevin and other exes. I miss being silly and myself, and loved for all the above.
My tears have mostly dried, I don’t remember crying today. I did a lot of stare off into the distances, riding the wave of sadness as they come with memories and images of him and his new flame. At one point, thinking of him actually committed made me really sad again. Then I realized, I must stop the self indulgence of victimization and self-pity. A balance has to be achieved when dealing with heartbreak and moving on.
Main point is, I am bored… I just took care of myself and am laying in bed with my laptop. It’s a bit too early to sleep, but too late to really focus on anything worthwhile. Perhaps I’ll read. I’m in love with the quote book and it’s encourage me to come up with my own quotes. I’m even too lazy to retrieve what I’ve written to post here…
Tonight would be the perfect night to flirt, and cuddle, and get to know yous. Which reminds me…
I got hit on today by a 24 year old college guy at the Starbucks in the Plaza today. His name was Ryan, he sparked a conversation very easily. He went from talking about coffee shops he goes to, to his career, to his housing situation, and then asked for my number. I always attract the baby face white guys when I lose weight and I don’t know why… It did reveal points I want to work on – in relation to dudes.
- Treat them like equals
- Treat them like friends
- Treat them with respect
- Want nothing more
- Unless my heart flies to the sky near them…
I don’t want to fall in love with any guy that gives me any attention. That’s been my mistake from the get go. I got with Billy, Ben, & Kevin after weight loss… and each has ended, so there are lessons which are:
- don’t go looking
- don’t be easy
- don’t lose focus
It’s more important now than ever as I’m going through another major weight loss – the most I’ve ever went through. There will be knocks, but I can’t open it to everyone that comes for a word. It takes more than words. It takes intent, consideration, and action for the knob to turn.
So there you have it..day 9 of getting over him…and I don’t know how far I’ve come. I know it doesn’t hurt as much, even though sometimes, it still feels unbearable and not knowing if I will get over it adds to the feeling.