Today has been a day out of days I might remember. Hopefully, when I do reminisce, it’ll be with contentment in my heart instead of the ache that actually existed the entire day.
It started out on the wrong foot already. I was still in my green, long-sleeved button up shirt and jeans when I woke up at 6:30 am. Makeup still smeared on my face and teeth still carrying the bacteria from the nights devourment. I got up, washed my face and brushed my teeth. I still took myself to the gym.**
The night before Leighann and I went to the Riot Room to watch her neighbor, Mike, play a show with his band. Of course, my mind was on Billy the entire time, wondering if he’d slip in here as it seemed to be his (old) crowd. I caved and talked about him for a little bit. I brought up his new flame on his Facebook, really hoping she’d pull it out so I would get an update. She did as predicted and my next 30 hours suffered for it.
I got more than an update. I got 4 shots and a too drunk state to drive home. He was at some sort of dance with this woman, his arms wrapped around her itsy bitsy waist. I can’t get over how adorable she is. In doing so, I imagine the attraction and efforts he must be putting towards her*. I wonder why I do this to myself, but, I truly felt like I had to see it. I have no idea of their relationship but I make up for it with my imagination.
Today I felt like I had no right to be sad like others who just got out of a relationship. My situation is so different, as with every situation I guess. I’m just angry that I’ve been so insecure to let this go on for as long as it has – 10 YEARS. I can’t use this as an excuse for subpar performance either. “So you decided to hit your ex back up, ended up getting hurt, and now you’re feeling like you just broke up again?” It’s embarrassing to me because I also have to admit how one sided this has been all along, and how blind I was to it all. I was so addicted to the feeling of being loved and getting attention that I ignored all the evidence that told me that this was just a bandaid for the emptiness inside me. He was just a bandaid. I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.
I can’t explain this to anyone enough for them to understand the immense amount of pain I feel as a result of depression and social anxiety. This is a double edge sword because, the best way to get over something like this is through talking… but this that you are dealing with typically don’t get talked about or if it does, you have to seek it. Which depressed and anxious people don’t want to do.
Long story short, I’m still in a state of melancholy over him. I hate that it feels good to ruminate about it. Feeling sad can be addicting – it’s as if my mind has started using him as a self defense against actual productivity and pursuit/realization of my dreams. Fear stops me, memories of him allows me to stay the victim. It allows me to say, it’s okay that I didn’t perform my best today because I’m heartbroken.
When I write about the realities of our unhealthy relationship, the tiger in me comes out. I can become someone fueled by feelings of being wronged. I’m motivated to be focused and driven… until I start thinking of how silly and futile “being wronged” is. I was not wronged because of how someone else chooses to live their life. I am not a victim of their actions. I am a victim of my own patterns & habits. See that chart up there? That’s my whole life…all the time I have to do what I want to do. I cannot say with commitment, “I don’t need a man in my life because there’s too much to do!” That statement isn’t even valid. The statement implies: If you have work that needs to be done, you don’t need a man in your life. I believe the opposite, and perhaps that’s why it’s so hard to let go. I believe the right person in your life will help you achieve more than you would on your own. But, one will never ever know the truth of this without a parallel universe.
Billy and I were not that for each other whatsoever. I will admit this. We hindered each other’s growth. I am a hinderance to myself even of growth. The universe’s solution to that was to keep us apart. Perhaps bring us different people that would encourage growth in us. Sometimes, that might just be your reflection. And that’s ok. Perhaps that’s what is most painful about this whole process. Realizing that he, without you, is for the better. And you without him, right now, is for the worse. But there is no time stamp for ‘getting better’, it’s not a race. Realizations happen at different times for everyone. It doesn’t make it less impactful or amazing because it comes later.
Living in constant rumination is addicting because it allows us to be sub par to our ideal self by enabling us to place the blame of not feeling whole onto someone or something else. If you are not whole, go find something you think might fix it. Keep looking until you realize, that hole is no longer there. My deattachement to food went as such. There were binge nights where nothing you did could stop me from binging. Nothing. Just like now, can stop my desire for Billy.
How did I deattach myself to food? Because I had to. There was no way I could be who I wanted to be if food was always going to be the enemy. With Billy – it’s even more hard because I think I can’t be who I want to be without him… his validation provides me a path. Without his validation I don’t know what path to take.
Therein lies a big issue.
Gem Conversation today was with Vic (site he made). I met him at Starbucks. This gentleman had my hear for a few hours. I sacrificed getting work done for any treasure I could find in his wisdom.
- kids these days are too afraid of management, they don’t want to put in the hard work
- be mindful of speaking another language around others?
- not sure if I will, I believe you can speak whatever you want when you want… freedom of speech!
- if you know you need to do it – THEN DO IT.
- dig deeper into subjects, I stop at the shell – he called me out for this
- reading people, who wants to talk, who doesn’t
- personal appearance – efforts in how you come off to people because people look
- carry my eagerness to learn throughout my entire life
I don’t want to lose in life. I want to win. Winners prep for the next day, complain less & do more, and they dig beneath the surface of things.
I think in my digging into my emotions, it’s a way of being a winner. I just hope these realizations prove itself fruitful and I’ll be walking around town with contentment in my heart after this big life lesson is over.
I just remember back in May when I put my life on a different path, I said I wanted to face the darkness. I was ready for it.
The darkness thus far has been an extremely eye opening, self defeating at times, and humbling experience. What is coming to light is my past heart ache and current heartbreak, disillusionment of that relationship and parental relationships. I’m still scared of course in the dark, because who knows, I might be a manic at the end of this and all my writing will be taken as proof for that rather than a jumble of possible enlightening resource.
I guess facing the darkness sometimes means doing things even though you don’t feel like it whether it’s because you don’t fancy it or it doesn’t fancy you. It means doing what’s needed even though an ache lives, seemingly permanently, in your heart. The darkest of nights carry the brightest of stars, these lessons I’m learning are those stars. I just hope out of darkness comes light. It’s in me somewhere… I just have to awaken it.