Day 11 ~ Love Language & Relationships

Healthy mindsets today:

  • (Working out) You only have 20 minutes to give to spin, do you want to make the best of it? I preceded to do interval spin. I was lazier on the treadmill, but the spin was good at the very least.

Unhealthy mindsets today:

  • Overanalyzing what I said
  • Overthinking what I will say

I woke today a bit better than yesterday. Last night I made a resolve. For the next 30 days, I will prepare for the day before. This consists of getting workout clothes laid out, gym bag ready with outfit neatly rolled up inside with shower essentials ready to go. The next days’ task list written out and inserted between the screen and the keyboard of my laptop.

This morning, that task list was a pleasant surprise. The typical feeling I get when I first crack open the laptop first thing in the morning is the dread of thinking out priorities for the day. I had forgotten I wrote the list so when I saw it, I felt relief that I could dig right in.

The mindset to get into when preparing for the next day is that each day should be treated as a continuum of the previous, and actions today are for preparations for tomorrow’s productivity. It’s only day 2 so I will practice what I preach before I get too gung ho.

The day started off on the right foot. Although, I feel I am getting quite lackadaisical about exercising. I am still immensely proud of my fitness level so far, but I am not seeing as much results as I did previous. To be fair, when I kicked up the intensity (not necessarily in a healthy way), it was because I wanted to get fit to make Billy want me again. I am changing that though. I want to own my fitness and make it a part of me regardless of who is and isn’t in my life. It’s my thing. It’s my best friend.

It is what has helped me through the hardest times of my life, and I hope it will continue to. Conversations I’ve had with strangers yesterday and today also have helped me peak out of the melancholy I’ve been feeling. I attracted two new people this week. One being an 80 year old gentleman and the other being a (maybe) mid 30s woman. Both dropping in on my life to pass on gems they’ve found on their journey.

Some of the gems from the older gentleman (Vic):

  • Listen to what I’m saying, but take it and analyze it for your own truth. You can think some of what I’m saying  is garbage but I urge you to just think.
    • I want to incorporate that into my relationship with friends. Often I try to think of the right advice to give and I start over analyzing what advice I give. I can mention that I don’t expect them to take my advice, hell I don’t know if I would, but I want them to take it home and analyze what they want and come to their own conclusion
  • I mentioned this yesterday, I think. Vic called me out on only touching the surface or being stopped at the shell of things. He urged me to pick something, and dig deep. Add some good into the world.
    • On my way home from Pho Good tonight with Erin, I thought, perhaps what I can bring to the table is my ear. My parents rarely paid attention to what I said, being busy in their own heads or just not wanting to dig deep with me. I feel that has affected how I behave in my relationships as well. I use to not listen well. But I am becoming much better at it. I give the speaker time and space to speak their mind. Although I’m not perfect, I am getting better. Perhaps making people feel heard is my purpose. Perhaps my love language is through full attention.
    • I do get very discouraged when I don’t have my own opinions to give on topics. I am very quite during meetings, I don’t have many suggestions, and I am very agreeable. I don’t want that in a colleague so I am insecure about it. If I give my attention to my work more devoutly, perhaps I will form an opinion.
  • He likes a woman that wears high heels. We had some debate over our differences caused by the generation gap. One thing I want to work on is how I handle disagreements in conversations. I found myself pushing away from Vic because of some of his opinions. But he mentioned that (whatever comment he made at the time) his friend just does not see his point of view. I guess that just showed me, you can have friendships and not be on the same page on things. Now, I do that with friends. But I typically push new people away if I feel they are radical… I don’t know, I am a sheep trying to grow into a leader of my own life. But this conversation got me thinking about how much effort I put into my appearances. I don’t put a lot in terms of makeup and clothes. But I take care of my body and my hygiene. I have a skin care regime I follow. I brush my teeth twice a day (unless I am drunk). I just don’t invest in what I feel may portray me to be more than I am? If I put makeup on, you might not be able to tell, but it changes the way I look completely. I think I look really pretty in make up. But when I take it off, I feel I look completely different. I rather look like just one person. If I could not associate looks with how I act, then I’ll wear more makeup. But for now, looking prettier than I actually am inflates and deflates my ego too much.
  • He talked at me for hours and hours. Much of which I forgot, but I listened because I knew, it may come back one day as a spark, or it’s already affected me for the better and I don’t realize. My subconscious mind might be holding on to it.

Gems from Mia (Jamia):

  • Someone may use your body, but they can never use your mind if you don’t let them. Her example was a sexual assault. If you are a victim of sexual violence, you may hold on to the fact that this person used your body, but he or she cannot get into your mind unless you let them.
    • Billy took my body, even though I gave it to him, he took it in a way, under false hopes created by me. He was/may still be affecting my mind, but what Mia said made me realize this, and made me want to stop allowing him to do so.
  • She talked a lot about the laws of attraction
  • I asked her if she were wanting to post music, and realized a lot of people don’t like what she put out, what she would do. It’s that fear that stops some people
    • she said, the more important question is, do YOU like what you’re putting out. You can’t follow people’s opinions or else you will be up and down and up and down depending on who’s opinion is what. YOU have to like what YOU create.
  • She strongly believes that everyone has a choice
  • I used the analogy (explaining where I am in life):
    • I’m dancing around my toolbox instead of opening it and using it. I shouldn’t be scared of the end product of my creation with the tools – it may change from building a cabinet to a table. But as long as the tools are utilize, transcendence occurs.
  • Be fine with or without what you want
    • Be fine with or without the love you want
    • Be fine with or without plans
    • Be fine just as you are now

The major points from these two teachers are:

  • Pick a passion, dig deep, just do it
  • Don’t listen to others opinions
  • Use your skills

I almost didn’t want to do a recap of their conversations because I wouldn’t be able to put down everything, and seeing how little I remember is discouraging, BUT, I know it will be gems when I read through these in a few weeks or years.

I was really, really, really sad today at Starbucks. I went to the bathroom because I was on the verge of tears. I keep thinking in these negative loops, where I can literally feel the pressure in my head, screaming for me to stop the abuse. I, honestly, sometimes get scared that I will end up taking my own life in the future. I don’t know if that’s something I should take serious or if it’s just hypochondria. I started thinking about that because I relate to this story of a woman’s mother, who had the same avoidance behaviors I did, who took her own life. I really feel the difference between that and the life I want are relationships.

As hard as I try to say I hate people, I love people. But I don’t know how to show it. I constantly question myself and second guess what I will say. I try to over please people and be too agreeable. I don’t have my own opinions in an effort to ‘love’ people. That’s the language I was taught. No arguing, no debating, no back talking, no talking about your day, if you don’t agree with what I am saying I will give you the cold shoulder until my own loneliness brings me around and we don’t’ even talk about what caused the silence in the first place. That’s the lessons I learned growing up in how to form relationships. I am trying to reteach myself and it’s hard. It’s really hard some days when you hate yourself and your inadequacies. But, just talking to Mia brightened my day up. I didn’t talk 80% of the time, but I enjoyed her gems and I enjoyed that she enjoyed talking to me. I know Vic may have needed it just as badly as I – or maybe not. He seemed pretty cool and not lacking of social interactions. Well, they both seemed pretty social. Who knows. But I do know, I want to grow in that way. I want to form my own opinions, healthy relationships, and dig deep. I don’t see a fulfilling life without that.

Billy is always in the back of my mind. Does it mean something if I think of him every single day? There are moments where I find myself not thinking of him, and those moments give me hope for entire days like that. I keep Billy in my mind because, this whole personal growth thing, I felt like he was a big encourager of it. It saddens me that I can’t talk about all of this with him. I wonder what he would say. Or if he would provide more gems from his readings or conversations with people. I miss that so much.

I went back and read the texts I sent him:

“I love you very much for the person that you’ve become. You inspire me in more ways than you know, the first to encourage my creativity, challenge my thoughts, and make me see the world differently. You’ve thanked me a many times but I’ve thanked you little in return. I’ve also apologized very little for past things I know was wrong. Had I been more mature I would have realized this and fought for you to stay because, people like you are gems. I’ve never been honest about my feelings for you, but I am ready now. I don’t expect to be your cup of tea – please don’t be afraid to hurt my feelings with honesty. I just want to know if I am or not so I can either keep brewing for you or retire the kettle.”

“I look for you in crowds, all the time… I think of u first thing when I wake, before I fall asleep…..and the many moments in between. I love you, and have only you, these past 8 years.

In my many musings of life I wonder what your opinions would be of it because you think different than most… I wonder how you would challenge my beliefs. I use to get frustrated at not being right all the time..but now I welcome it…and I want nothing more than to feel your warmth next to me every night while we talk about life.. You’re so fucking smart. It doesn’t feel right without you here. Is it a moment of insanity or great realization? I don’t know..but I do know I want nothing more than to be your biggest fan in your endeavors.

I don’t regret a single thing I’ve done with you.. I just hope that you don’t think me a fool.
If u choose not to respond..there may be late night drunken texts like tonight that I couldn’t help but send in the near future… But I promise they’ll eventually dissipate with time..
Anyways. I love you Billy..I always freaking will. For who you were and are.”

That was fully and completely me, the heart felt me, unquestionable me. The me that wanted instant gratification.

All those things I said to him…were things I wish I could say to myself. Some of those things are 100% true about myself. Sometimes I feel as if Billy was just my original wordpress site. I could through him ‘me’ and be accepted for my writing. He put me on a pedestal that way. He’s a big metaphor for something, a big lesson I had to learn that made me face the why’s and how’s of where I came from and how I came to be me, and now, I must do the rest and grow into the who I will be.

I have to remind myself that this strong person was here before meeting him, and she’ll be just as strong moving forward without him. But, it’s the sidekick on the ride that I miss. Again, perhaps it’s an illusional side kick. Because what would he do if we were together? What are the patterns?

I would be waiting for him for something. I really wouldn’t form these (what I think is becoming) close relationships with Leighann and Erin. I need to work on my other relationships for sure. But, these two, to begin with, have made me feel really warm. I must learn, despite my responses that I beat myself over for, they still want to be friends. I live a pretty nice life, that fact is what makes it even more hard on some days. I think, I have it good, why can’t I be happy for it? Perhaps, the question is, “why can’t I be happy for it now”. Or perhaps, this is happiness, and I’m mistaking uncertainty and self doubt for depression instead of the growth needed for the fruits of life. It’s not permanent, my unhappiness. It’s growing pains. I have to believe that, I must.

The fear of suffering is often times worse than the suffering itself.

Tomorrow is a new day. I’ve prepped for it again. I will work at starbucks until 3 and head home to prepare for our christmas party. I’ll think of him, and feel the aches now and then. Maybe, I’ll be tearful again at Starbucks. Regardless, I will be okay. No feeling is final.

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