Tonight is the Christmas party. I’m getting anxious because I am afraid that I will get drunk and miss this mother fucker. I’ll be feeling cute and lonely. I need something else to focus on. The thing is, I know I’ll think of him because he’ll be my escape from social anxiety.
I want to live in the moment, that’s the only way I will feel better and the only way tonight is even worth living through. Being present. I have to figure what I want to wear. What is going to bring the most of me out? I don’t want to look overdressed, or made up. But I want to feel pretty, confident, and comfortable.
I must remember the fear of suffering is often worse than the suffering itself. I fear tonight more than it might even hurt me, the hurt is stronger because I’m already starting it. I’ll stop that now.
I feel my personal relationship have gotten better, but in a large group, I get really nervous. I don’t know where my place is. I don’t know what to say, how to say it. I have to rewire my thinking though. I do know what to say. I do know how to say it. I am a grown woman. I can handle my alcohol. I must not take things personal, I must be present with people. I will not resort to thinking of Billy because I feel insecure or I feel like no one is paying attention to me. One thing I think about is “wherever you are, there you are”. This makes me remember to just fade into the background. Whereever I’m at is as it would be without me. I dont’ need attention, I don’t need to escape with fantasies. I can stay in the moment. And use my five senses to remember the night. These are nights I want to remember well.
I wish, still, I didn’t miss him. And didn’t have to think of what he’s doing tonight. I hate that so much. But, it is only Day 12. Maybe on day 255, he will be indifferent to me. Or I’ll completely shut him out comfortably.
I’ll let you know how it went in the morning. I will try my best to stay in the moment so that I can retell the happenings of tonight. It may be stale, as there will be no single men here…
Perhaps Tinder? Perhaps not. I don’t know.. Make me feel pretty damn it! But honestly, this gap has gotten me so bugged. I don’t feel pretty with it. I can’t smile comfortably. Either I’m going to get it fixed, or learn to love the fuck out of it.