I had a moment of realization yesterday that felt like a shooting star. It was beautiful and most impactful but, the moment didn’t last. It’s up to me to keep its memories alive. Like an artist’s first spark before starting a song, that spark must be preserved by the artist somehow to finish the song carrying the same spark even though the emotions that caused the spark is no longer felt.
Karen and Kristina were in the living room and I was in my room. I can’t remember what I was doing, but I remember feeling the privacy I needed to feel sad. The ruminating feeling, in that moment, was annoying. I thought, “why am I choosing to feel sad?”. In my earlier posts, I’ve realized the negative effects of placing yourself as the victim, constantly. That realization sparked the emotion of annoyance at myself for choosing to ruminate, and choosing to live in sadness. There are two things, maybe three things, I can control that helps me choose to feel good.
- My thoughts
- My mind is like play-do. It’s constantly molding and remolding
- Music is magic. It can connect with you in ways you wish your best friend could. What you choose to listen to will impact your thoughts and feelings
- People, like music, can affect you just as powerfully. Repetitive thoughts and actions of others can become yours. You must choose people who are like your sounding board. They accept you for who you are, entertain your random thoughts, and help you grow as you do for them
These three things can be expanded into books but for the sake of my car that’s running to dethaw outside (totally not an excuse), I must keep it short.
Yesterday, I also took a leap of faith into Erin’s arms. We were in the sauna room and I had a very heavy feeling in my heart. My thoughts were swirling around Billy and Corrinne, it dragged me down and weighed heavily on my heart. So I spoke up, “Erin, do you ever go through your day feeling great, then thoughts of your past love comes up and knocks you down?”. I just needed to express my emotion because I felt I was being quite. After I asked that, and she responded with the main point of “it just takes time”, I felt 90% better. I started talking about other things. I learned that expressing your feelings can be a remedy for the moment. Expressing your feelings isn’t a statement of facts if you don’t fool yourself for it to be.
I learned that like writing, talking about your feelings is also therapeutic. I have yet to learn that what you say, others won’t take as cement. That’s the thing. I’m so worried that others take what I say as bible when really, words like writing are there to aid in understanding which aids in personal growth.
I hope my relationships with my girlfriends not only last, but grow. Erin and I have grown a lot together. I’ve been a bitch at times, and I’m sure she’ll say the same, but we’re still here for each other. Love is born by a reciprocation of this: Wanting nothing more than to give to the other your undivided attention, care, and time. Reciprocation of thoughts/feelings validation and rejection of negative self talk as if you were rejecting your own negative self talk.
That’s why loving yourself and positively talking to yourself is so important. When you are able to do that and thrive, you can be that voice for your dearest friends as well.
I still ache when I think of Billy, but yesterday was a good day regardless. There were no boys, no parties, or anything that would suggest yesterday would be a great day. What did happen was the decision to feel good. I decided to not take things too personal, I decided to express my sadness to Erin, I decided to exercise, I decided to spend time with Karen and Kristina. I decided to hum cute tunes instead of wallow in my sadness.
I decided to live instead of just exist. I have a path in front of me. I’m not staring at the darkness anymore, I’m now walking through it.