Day 15 ~

I don’t know what to title today…

I’m sitting at our dining room table. I spent 90% of today staring at this computer screen. 30% dilly dallying, 35% on the wordpress site, and 35% on work. My eyes are strained and my head hurts. I started munching because of the challenge of wordpress. I couldn’t get WAMP to work correctly, stomped at the install of wordpress on the local server. I had it working yesterday, but broke it for other purposes thinking I’ll just redo it if anything messes up. Now the issue is that I’m unable to even redo it (reinstalling and re setup isn’t successful). So I moved on to working on the live site. I got gigs and records figured out. I must figure out the commerce and videos portion. Not too bad, although, commerce is going to be a BIG portion. Also – his artwork, I forgot about that as well.

Victor was at Starbucks again. I enjoy talking with him, although, his personality is very strong and at times I’m overwhelmed by it. As someone who questions relationships often, this one is an interesting one. He called me out on many things that, at first, made me laugh because of how spot on he was… and then I started wondering if that was nice of him to say at all. He reads me really well – comments that struck a sensitive chord in me such as: I only touch the surface of things and I think too hard on simple things (trying to analyze it). I don’t know if he generalizes as such with other Millennials but it was pretty accurate. Perhaps that’s why it stung a bit after the laughter died down. He also said to not assign myself the label of Millennial too much, that we’re all apart of the human race. I did debate him quite a bit more today than the first day we met. We are very different in our end goal and where we’re at in life. Where I am the water overflowing out of the glass wishing to be with the ocean, he is telling me an ocean doesn’t exist. He, like my dad, had a father that wasn’t present, who was chasing the papers. He does the same thing and he questions my motivations being that I’m not fired up about my dreams… from what he can see. I repeat to him, it all depends on what your goal is…

Either way, so far, I enjoy talking to him. I don’t want to push him away just because I don’t agree with what he says. That’s apart of walking through the darkness. I have to be mentally strong enough to handle deep thoughts as Victor provokes, along with his pessimism. I take 50% and leave 50% for the most part. Typically I would just walk away and be embarrassed, afraid of what others would say about it – which Victor would tell me not to do that. He also talked about relationships.

He said, the person you choose to marry, make sure he’s someone you can talk about anything with. You should never have to worry about his reaction or if he’d lose love/respect for you in what you choose to say or question. I think this is so true and is in right timing as I’ve had this realization with Billy in these times.

Billy. It’s crazy to think of how badly I allowed my knees to scrape the cement before I finally got up. He is determined to remain but a fantasy to me. I’m 26 years old, at this point, I’m tired of just fantasies. True love isn’t this challenging at all. He dangled himself in front of me, since the day I allowed myself to stay with him. He might not realize this, or he does which makes it worse, but he never thought I was good enough. I don’t know why I didn’t see that so black and white before. If I did realize it, I didn’t believe I was good enough either, that’s why I accepted his type of love.

I think about us quite often, as you know. I think backwards and forwards why he doesn’t choose to spend more time with me. Why, of everyone I know, he is the one that limits his time with me. Why he never introduced me to his friends, why he never stuck up for me with his mom. I always, always, always made excuses because that’s the kind of love I was use to. I felt so strongly for this boy because I was use to absent love and physical attention. Excuses which placed me on the back burner and I was actually ok with it. Thank god I met Kevin and shared what we shared, because I would have thought I was completely unlovable if I depended on Billy. Ain’t that sad?

He didn’t think I was good enough. I didn’t think I was good enough. I was always pining for love from my parents, friends, just anyone to soothe the sore that was there constantly. He always said I deserved more, and I thought that was endearing.

What he meant to say was I deserved someone who felt more strongly about me than him. But, perhaps he didn’t love me enough to tell me that directly. Instead, he kept me hovering to stroke his ego while he went fishing for finer fishes. And boy did he catch one.

I’m still a little sad, but not as torn up as day 1, that’s for sure. Right now I’m in repair mode, and I’m going to try to not resurface angry at Billy. If I hold any resentment towards him, that would be wasting my energy. Do I wish him the best?

Honestly, no. He didn’t treat me well or with kindness. He didn’t treat me as I would hope he’d treat a really good friend. I have a lump in my throat writing this.

We’ve never had a talk so clearly as I feel right now. I know exactly what I would say to him if we were to talk again. Would I say it? I think so, depending on the timing. I would retract everything I’ve said in terms of being his lifelong friend.

I don’t wish that on my worst enemies.

No – I’m on to something… better suited for me. Not better, not worse, just better suited.

 

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