I feel my anxiety talking. She’s taking things personal when she shouldn’t be. Why do I get offended if Erin isn’t responsive to my messages? Or Hannah isn’t? I do onto others a waiting period for my responses, so why do I get so hurt when others make me wait? Or doesn’t respond the way that I expected?
I’m getting sensitive because Erin made a comment about me being all over the place. Why do I get offended by her calling me out on that, but when Victor calls me out on it, I take his word as ‘a word from the wise’? I suppose ‘being all over the place’ triggers my fear of one day realizing that I am bi-polar or a manic of sorts and all these writings were just proof of that insanity rather than clarity. I also suppose, that is my choice. I can choose to believe myself to be ‘all over the place’ or I can choose to believe that I am in an exploration phase. Being all over the place such as expressing that I want to:
- visit africa
- go to a guitar meetup
- go to a dance course
- create a music website
- start playing soccer
Is my way of exploring my likes and dislikes. Do I believe I’m going to be exceedingly great at all of it? Not even 40%. I do believe that trying it out will help me see if I enjoy any of it. Also, it would be icing on top to fall in love with at least one, and make friends who enjoy the same thing! That would be amazing.
That’s not fair to Erin that I am offended by her and not by Victors comments. I’m going to work on not taking this personal and not being sensitive to others responses to me. I take their response as a validation for who I am when in reality, they are affected by their own mood of the day. Something may be going on in their life that I have no idea about, or they may be busy, who knows. Perhaps she’s not in need of my form of friendship with her girlfriends in town. I think what I may be fearing is the lost of friendship. This is a little frightening because, often, what you fear most will be attracted to you, the tighter you hold on to something, the more it will want to be free.
So, to bring it back to what is the take away. The lesson here is to loosen your grip on things, release your desire to form attachments. You are you independent of others as you were born this way. We all need each other, but we all need to realize that we live 100% of our lives within the room of our minds, and often how we act towards others or treat others are affected by the tint of the window our mind’s eye see through. We mustn’t take what we think is an act towards us actually an act meant to harm us. Often, we are the sideline gawkers in other’s lives. We can choose to be the hater, questioning ‘why did s/he do that to me?’ or we can choose to be the cheerleader who refuses to leave the stadium when her favorite team is playing even if she feels she’s unwanted. She realizes, all eyes aren’t on her but are on their own goals. I am choosing to be a cheerleader for my friends and family. That’s my choice and my silver lining.
Fear of losing friends is a deep fear of mine. I don’t want this fear in my life anymore, so today I am choosing to not be afraid of that. Whatever happens happens, I’m going to continue to develop and do what makes me feel good. I also thought of something while I was at the gym today:
The past is hard to let go of because in every person or thing you meet along the way, you give a unique piece of you to them. When they’re no longer in your life, a piece of you feels lost. If you allow yourself to let go of what wasn’t meant to be, you may be able to re-discover that piece of you again.
This is made possible because of present living. Holding on to the past keeps you from being attentive to the present. When you live in the moment, the piece you thought was lost will find its way through the broken cracks in your heart to shine on new people and old friends that etched themselves on the stone walls of your heart.
I mustn’t worry about losing friends, should I?