Day 18

I want to start dancing. I realize I miss the thrill of performance. I’ve never been a professional anything on stage, but the little time I’ve had in front of any audience have been exhilarating. Monday, I am going to a dance course. It seems like it won’t be my crowd, but I’m going as a first time exposure experience. I want to eventually get into competitive dancing.

I have a guitar meetup I’m going to early January and am determined to join in on Soccer. I want to fill my time up with these things because I really enjoy it. I’m getting fit and pretty sexy, especially with my belly dancing moves ^ _ ^. I do want to use that in dancing too. Shakira has been my motivation & idol, I love her much.

What I hope to gain from these activities are:

  1. ability to welcome new people and create new relationships
  2. be more connected with my body movements and coordinations
  3. gain more confidence as my passion and skills develop

My goal is to have these things to bring light into my life, especially for moments where I feel in the dark with my anxieties. When things go wrong (mentally most probably), I’ll have these hobbies to make me feel competent.

Today was a B day. I was alright with work productivity. I didn’t work on Alex’s site, but yesterday I made progress. I just need to finalize copy, photos, and the store. The store is a HUGE task. I worked with my Big for the most part. Met up with Angie, Karen, and Jackie for lunch at Komatsu raman shop. My big and Karen are a little weird right now, and I don’t know how to act. I feel I’m in the middle (again), trying to play both sides, which can be annoying to some? I don’t know. I get self-conscious about that. I wonder if they think I’m fake as I am cool with both sides.

You see, I don’t take sides very much. I am a very agreeable person, I don’t like conflict too much. I learned that from being the peacekeeper between my parents. I do like that I am able to play the fields and not cut people out, but I do wish I was more opinionated. Well, perhaps innately, I have a lot of opinions…but I withhold it in fear of judgement from others and the potential for them to push away from me. I recognize it and do want to work on my agreeableness. I want to have valuable opinion and learn good conflict resolution skills.

Anyways, we bopped from coffee shop to coffee shop, which was more draining than you would think! I was happy to be home and be in bed with Chester. I have the Cosmos on. Tomorrow I plan to hit the gym early, then start working. Most likely from home since everyone will be here : )

My goal for my body is to be FUCKING HOT. I’m 26 but I don’t look it, I’ll admit. Mostly because I’ve worked on my fitness (I think). My age is getting up there but I want to make sure I age well. I’ve lived most of my life imprisoned by my overweight body and now that it’s breaking free, I feel I have no time to waste to get after what I want.

Anyways – I’ll catch you tomorrow. Remember – live life with bare necessities.

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