Merry Christmas Eve!

I am the very last minute shopper. I went to the mall around noon and just got back… that’s four hours of meandering guided by a desire to purchase well thought out gifts. I wanted to give who ever receives my gifts a little sparkle of energy. I thought I spent a lot but it looks like I spent as I budgeted: $400. I will no doubt go over it if I get more gifts from others and I need to reciprocate.

Buying gifts on Christmas is interesting for me because I am not Christian. At the very least, I am Buddhist. Growing up, we put up a tree because it’s what Americans did. We didn’t buy presents though. I remember wishing I would get presents but knew that wasn’t our custom. One year, my young mom and I went through the house in search of box shaped items and wrapped those up just to complete the Christmas tree picture. I wish my mom was here this Christmas, but that’s okay. I didn’t appreciate her much when she was here. But now that I wish she were, I don’t know if I’m growing as a person and have broken through walls I’ve built up or because I simply miss an ideal image of her. I guess I’ll find out when she gets home. I really hope it is the first option.

After I wrap these gifts I’ll make my way with Cheeto and Chester to Cong’s house. Ashly and her parents will be there. I hope I don’t get a little hurt if someone doesn’t return a gift to me. I went out to get things to make others feel better, not to expect something in return. Now I have to live up to that intention.

While I was shopping, a message came through the work channel that clouded my mood. Kerry sent a message, intended for my big I assume, to the weekend re-write channel. The message (not word for word) was, “Where was Sophie today (for the re-write help). Vien didn’t pop up either but I’m not as bugged by that”. Because she mentioned Sophie and I, I got a notification from Slack. After I read it, Slack crashed. When I logged back on, the message was gone. I don’t know if anyone else saw, I’m positive others did see.

Re-writes are new offers we have to write if the original offer junked in a readers inbox. I was pulled into the team to help and I believe I’ve done well so far. I haven’t received negative feedback.

Until that unintended comment. I feel disappointed in myself from the comment. It made me feel like I am not enough. Which, this job is so lax that I am not doing enough…but in away, that’s enough. I get my work done and I volunteer. I am not extremely passionate as a few others seem to be, being on 24/7. But I feel I do give my best (have been more so lately) to the task at hand. Always, there is room for improvement of course. Sophie was called out even more so than me. The way a few talk about her makes me self conscious about my performance. I dislike feeling this way. I don’t know if I’m naive to it, or if this is how working with women feels like. Back stabs and bus throwing. Anyways…

I have to search for a silver lining in this scenario. The silver lining is that they are expecting more from me (even though they don’t say so). I don’t want to throw my hat in like a race just because of this comment. I am going to continue what I’m doing, I’ll still help if I’m around, and I’ll continue to be positive. I can’t let remarks like this get into my head and exfoliate my developing skin. Well I talk about it? I don’t know. I don’t know what I want the outcome to be so I may pretend I didn’t see it or I’ll be open about it. I don’t want to kick myself in the butt, though, if I’m open about it. What I hope will happen is to give it time, once I feel more secure in my position comments like these won’t hurt me. I am a bit nervous since reviews are coming up to. I am very much a motivational writer, yet surface level lingerer so what I put in my comments in the reviews, might appear as bullshit to my supervisors. Especially now that Kerry called me out this way. Damn her. So, shall I act oblivious? Shall I gossip? Shall I be scared? Shall I be bullied? Shall I just let it roll off my shoulders?

I believe I will choose the last option.

Anyways…I must wrap quickly and head over to Cong’s. I’m already late, as I am a notorious late arriver…

I have Roots on too. I love that show. The revamp, not the original. I haven’t seen that.


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