Woe is me, woe woe is me. I’m lonely on this Monday. T’was feeling so yesterday as well. I binged binged binged till I couldn’t fit anything else in. Leighann came over, though, to warm up my cold home for a bit.
I should have gone over to her place for games instead of choosing to be alone. The silver lining there is I now know to choose to go and to be with people. The holidays are hard because it’s a reminder of what I don’t have and what I think others have. I would love to have a nook, a family to always come home to. I don’t have that so much right now. Mom’s in Burma, dad..well dad is dad, Cong has his own family and Mo does as well. Me, I’m rogue… It feels as if I’m doomed to feel this way always.
So, I made it over to Cong’s place with Cheeto and Chester. I didn’t do anything the entire day other than wallow in my sadness. It’s lame, but at least I got myself out. It’s strange how I can be so motivated and so eager to try new things, and then the holiday hits and I’m a completely different person. I’m lazy, I’m unproductive, I’m piggish, I’m everything decided by my feelings of loneliness.
I also thought about everything I wanted to do. The singing, the dancing, the soccer. What’s it all for? What am I chasing and or avoiding?
I was suppose to go to a dance meetup tonight for the first time, but obviously I can’t get up the motivation or desire to do that. Perhaps I am just all over the place like Erin said, and won’t pursue these desires beyond the surface. I don’t know, it’s all up to me.
Is it silly to just scream out to the world that I’m lonely?
HEY WORLD, I’M LONELY!
BLEH BLEH BLEH.
So, next year.. I will:
- take my friends offer to hang with their family
- volunteer perhaps?
- make travel plans, go to the even instead of waiting for the event to happen to me
Although I am in a woe is me stage, I know I’m in control of the outcomes of my life. Perhaps that’s why I’m depleted of energy on some days, like today. Where I just sat on the couch where Leighann left me, got high, napped, and avoided responsibilities. Oh well. All that led me to being over here at Cong’s where the ache isn’t as damaging here.
I think what will heal the ache is a family. It’s terrible that I’m wanting what I don’t have. I have a family.. I have parents and siblings. But I don’t feel connected. I feel like our family is a party where no one really wanted to go to but had to. My family isn’t loving, it’s not filled with “how was your day?”, it’s not very supportive. It’s not abusive but it’s not warming either. That’s why I feel so alone.