Where is your heart if you don’t desire to go home as I?
I learned something this holiday break. My routine was broken when Karen, Kristina, and Jake went home. I felt… really lonely. Now that they’re home, the duplex seems alive again… It’s the strangest thing.
This weekend has been filled with old sad feelings and binging on food. I spent all of Sunday alone and half of today the same. I took myself to Cong’s to spend time with Lily and his family, and to get out of the house. I took the pups with me. Holiday time is harder because it reminds me that I don’t have my ‘own home’ yet. It’s made me realize how much I do want to have a family, but it also made me realize I can’t have one until I learn to love others beyond myself. How I know I’m ready is if these weekends, filled with feelings of loneliness, self pity, and food binging don’t happen again. I can’t love my child until I get pass the effects of the lonely ache.
I am not upset with myself for binging on food. It’s natural for me to fill myself with that in place of the fulfillment from others. It’s a cry for something is missing, and something is missing. But, I don’t know what to do about it. What if it’s ingrained in me? What if it’s a part of my DNA?
I guess the way to solve the issue is to recognize it and its effects, and do things I know will help deter unhealthy habits. I can look at what did go well this weekend and what I would do different next year:
What went well?
- I got great gifts for people
- I spent a lot of time with Lily
- I had a warm house
What will I do different?
- On Christmas day, accept friends invite to hang with their family or volunteer
I read an article about creating your own tradition if you don’t follow everyone elses’. Volunteering every Christmas can be a good tradition for me to start for myself.
I must reflect on the realization that my world seemed to self destruct when my roomies went back home. Why is that? I didn’t go to the dance class I planned on. I started to think myself crazy for wanting to do all these things.
I’m glad the holidays are over, though.. I must work on this ache in preparation for next year. I can’t expect for it to be gone, but I can prepare for it. I can be smart and actually plan for it to visit rather than denying that it will make an appearance. Now I know it will.