Feeling that Feeling

Who am I?

I don’t know…

I’m afraid, I never will. What are my thoughts? What are my beliefs? My opinions? I spend a lot of time listening to others. It’s what I do most of the time, instead of talking. I don’t have much to say, or if I do, I’m highly censored. The censorship keeps me from making friends that truly know and accept me – if any do exist. I bite my tongue and gear towards being agreeable, to the point where I’m a chameleon. I watch others live out their values, speak their opinions, and connect. I don’t want to watch or listen to others anymore…it makes me feel less than who I thought I would be.

I want to have strong values and beliefs. I want to have confidence in myself. Lately, during conversations, I have been more inclined to downtalk myself. I don’t want that anymore.

But, I don’t know if I can ever be who I aspire to be… So, I feel a bit stuck in life. It’s as if I hate the way I make my bed, yet know no other way to set it to my liking. For almost 27 years now, I’ve lived with this anxiety of self loathing and rollercoaster emotions. I always feel as if I’ve finally climbed out from under the rock I’ve been living in, only to realize I’ve climbed into another damn rock.

Pictures of Billy and his woman doesn’t hurt as much anymore. Perhaps it’s because of the recent realizations of why I can’t have a healthy relationship right now. If I were who I aspire to be, I wouldn’t desire him as much as I do as he does not treat me kindly. I think of him still, but, I know it really is for the best that we are apart as I have so much emptiness inside of me that not a damn person can fill – it’s not their job to.

This emptiness is mine to fill, but I don’t know what to do. I have a lonely ache that attacks, deriving from attachment issues. Issues that may be apart of my DNA or so deeply ingrained that I’m afraid I’ll never resolve it. I’m afraid I will always be this way

How will I ever love someone the way I want to, and have them love me back if I’m this way? 

I entertain the thought of leaving every single thing behind here, and moving away. Somewhere where no one knows me, or at least with my older sister who isn’t afraid to set me straight.

I miss that in relationships, someone who will set you straight. I realize I push away people who ‘try to set me straight’, I don’t know why.

Anyways…

here’s to the new years… 20 fucking 17

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