Updates

Love

Lately I’ve been feeling above the depression line. It’s due to the fact that I’ve been doing Yoga and Jiu Jitsu, eating well and normal. I feel attractive, yet I hold on to the belief that I don’t have the personality for someone who I really am attracted to, to be attracted to me on that level as well.

An example of this is Mr. Dave… The Dave that I’ve been talking about in previous posts. I saw him, staring straight at me as I walked through the doors of Gilhouly’s. I stared, longer than I intended to because I wasn’t sure if it was really him. He and I both had huge smiles on our faces, and that was the highlight of the night. Everything there after went stale because I was so nervous, my tongue was tied and I was depleted of anything to say after our initial ‘how are yous’. I was a lame cat.

I don’t feel too bad because, I truly believe that timing is everything. I am not ready for whatever relationship my daydreaming mind whipped up – simply because I don’t believe myself enough for that kind of relationship yet. It’s odd because I know it’s faulty thinking. But I still think it.

Anyways, that night was a great confidence boost. I didn’t feel invisible, I got more eyes looking my way than I ever got before. That reason alone made Dave’s departure without a single goodbye ok. I’m use to it – as sadly as that sounds. The difference that I’m working towards, though, is my indifference to it. I’m getting there, but not quite. I want to see men as just human.

I’ve also realized some things about me – a realization that all I really want is attention. I feel inadequate when I don’t get it, yet I know once I have it, I don’t want it from that guy. I’m just wanting to collect desire for my own ego. Desire = proof that I’m worthy. Which, is not a way that I want to live and think, at all. I’m happy that I acknowledge it, even though it’s my current memo it won’t be for long. My task is to cut the middle man of wanting desire, to the chase which is not wanting them at all (which is inevitably the result decision if desire is given to me). Being fit and goal oriented is going to help me achieve this mindset.

Jiu Jitsu

If you saw me naked, you’d think I was a victim of domestic violence. I have bruises on both shoulder blades, one on my right hand, a couple on my legs, and my hip bones are sore. All from rolling.

Yesterday was the first day I ‘legitly’ rolled. “Rolling” is the term used for really jiu jitsu wrestling with another person. It comes after Fundamentals class which usually lasts for an hour and a half. Advance class starts right after that. I started that by staying and doing the core exercises, which led to just saying through to advance class then to rolling. Yesterday, I pretty much stayed the entire time that other advanced guys stayed.

The sport is fun and I wanted to keep going. Be it the high from being close to another person, or just being able to wrestle and not think about anything else in the world that makes it so fun. I do get into my head from time to time, questioning my motivation for being there. But, in order to keep up my mood, I throw these questions out of my mind. At one point, I looked around and realize, I’m probably not the only one there that questions their commitment or motivation for being there. It doesn’t matter what gets me in, what matters is what makes me stay.

Honestly, the fundamental class is a bit boring. We do the same move over and over and it’s much too crowded. Now, I understand the importance of repeating a task to get it down, I know I need it. But, if I left right after fundamentals, I wouldn’t have as much fun for certain.

Now, I am human so my mind likes to daydream as there are guys around from time to time during class, but I’m doing a good job at re-focusing and treating these guys as just humans when we roll. Also, I sometimes pretend they’re ladies. I also dress in loose clothing, I’m much more comfortable that way and don’t second guess my every move which I would do if I wore my regular gym clothes. I am determined to set the tone, which is, I am there for BJJ and nothing more. I want this to last, I don’t want any tangles to deter me from continuing this sport.

Sunday I ran to class – making it right on time, running a little over 2 miles in 20 minutes! Somehow, chatting with a kid named Dario led to him walking with me home. He is but 20 years old, and he thought I was much younger, thoroughly surprised when I said I graduated college in 2012. I will be 27 next month, I said proudly. I don’t know what his memo was but I’m not going to think of it too much. He’s a nice kid along with the others in the gym.

Now that I’ve re-read this – not somehow… I encouraged it by waiting with him while he got water and walking out the door. I must be more conscious of my actions… I can’t do what I use to do and encourage attention. Consistency is key, friendships blossom from consistency. My task for classes moving forward is to not attach to anyone – I will treat everyone equally.

Being active in this sport also helps me not be too bummed about not being in a relationship. If I got into one, with someone that isn’t athletic or even not in jiu jitsu, I think he would be uncomfortable or I wouldn’t want to pursuit it anymore. For instance, Dave is not athletic and I’d probably overthink it when I do go to jiu jitsu. Timing..it’s all about timing. I want a physically fit man, that is non negotiable. Goodbye Dave…

I almost fell into a little sadness today realizing having someone to really love would bring me a lot of joy…but I stopped myself by realizing that it will happen for me. Just not right now…timing.

Body Flow

I added this to my fitness schedule. I love it almost as much as Jiu Jitsu. It’s a combo of Thai Chi, yoga, and pilates. I can do the crane for a few seconds:

download (Not me)

I feel so fit compared to when I just ran long distance. I am more balanced and focused. I also am able to forget about my woes during body flow and have entertained the idea of instructing years from now, if I continue practicing.

Work & Victor

I’ve been productive with work, I put in my 8 hours and focus on the task at hand. I’ve been working from Starbucks last week and this week. Chatting a lot with Victor, who recently, have created a bubble of frustration in my tummy when he calls me out on things such as: only being on the surface of things, being passive, dreaming of Utopia, working for someone else’s dreams, etc.  I tolerate it because I know he’s right. I don’t beat myself up for it though, it’s a journey I’m on. Also, knowing that he’s in his 80’s and have achieved financial success yet feels at a loss for what to do now to satisfy him in his retirement brings me comfort in a twisted way. It’s not all about money folks. We go on and on about me wanting to pursue passion and how that may be my search for utopia – yet he’s at a lost for what he wants to do now that money is not the end goal. It seems like both he and I are in search for that something more. I have time to leverage though, whereas, he feels like he doesn’t.

I introduced him to the idea of creating his own podcast channel. I’ve thought this a while ago but only brought it up today because he mentions, often, that he hasn’t been productive in a long time. I told him to not create another business, but create a podcast instead. He has a lot of experience and wisdom to share and a podcast would be the perfect platform for that. Surprisingly, he never heard of podcasts before… (+1 for Vien : D ). I downloaded the app for him, we’ll see if he uses it…

Purpose…

What will I make the purpose of my existence? I’ve thought about “paying it forward” being a purpose. Relaying things I’ve learned about my battle with bulimia and binge eating, my battle with depression and anxiety (that I’m still fighting), about doing instead of just talking. I’m not clear on it yet – I’m still just on the surface… but I think I’ll dive deeper soon… everyday is a tiny step forward.

I’ve realized too, just because I can do something other’s think they can’t, doesn’t mean I should do it – i.e. setting up the music website. It’s taught me that I can do things, but the high I got from it was very minimal. In the same vein, just because a guy is cute and gives me attention doesn’t mean he’s meant for me. It’s all about timing and knowing yourself enough to say no, even though what’s in front of you looks delicious and inspires visions of euphoria. Self control is key.

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Day 26 of January, in 2017

So Ju Jitsu has been a good experience so far. I’ve done two classes. The first class I was the only girl, the second class I got to practice with a couple girls. I enjoyed doing it with girls because I don’t think too much about anything other than what I’m doing. Although, the first girl I started to think she think me too inexperience – but I think that’s just my own projections. The second girl was smaller and more nervous. Her movements more frantic. I stayed a bit after during the second time, motivated by a purple belt guy to do the warm up with the competitive team. I absolutely loved the physical challenge. The touching, the lessons, the motivational talks, the physical challenges have been intoxicating. Here are what I have going on in terms of growth:

  • Not falling for every guy I meet
    • The more I become use to hanging with the guys, the less I’ll be so inclined to fall for them. I’ve read a little bit of resources about this topic. Much of which talked about personal insecurities and the need for validation in the form of attention being the cause of this ease of love.
  • Focus on a goal instead of emotional attachment
    • Relationships are wonderful and warming, but being too attached to it weakens you when things don’t go well, or you overthink your actions and words with someone.
  • Be ok with not being ok, be ok with being uncomfortable
  • Learn to detach from desires
    • Personal relationships: it’s ok if you’re not getting what you want from a relationship, it’s great if you do
    • Work: it’s ok not to take charge if that’s not your passion
    • Detachment from perfection

Last night I came over to Angie’s, Karen, Kristina, Cory and his friend Clint were there. I came late because I went to Yoga first. Also, because dinner was at 8 and since I already had dinner, I wanted to make sure I made it after meals were being served as to not tempt myself. I’ve been following a meal plan, I’m on day 3 and it’s been good so far. I haven’t been really hungry. I’ve been talking to a couple people who also have bing eating disorder, and I’ve been active on the subreddit, asking questions and offering advice. I’ve been meditating more, and feel happier all around. Happier doesn’t mean happy – just not in a paralyzed state of covetous (which I learned is opposite of contentment) as I usually am which causes binge eating.

Whoa.

Covetous: greedy, acquisitive, grasping, avaricious mean having or showing a strong desire for especially material possessions. covetous implies inordinate desire often for another’s possessions

Although this describes the desire of material possessions, I can actually apply this state of mind to my desire for emotional things – showing strong desire of the possession of other’s affection.

I think digesting this new finding may aid in my detachment journey.

Last night during conversation with everyone, I let out that I’ve been thinking about moving into the apartment complex Kevin use to live. Although I marked in my calendar that I was going to bring it up in Spring, it came up last night because we were talking about living situations, and I wanted to set that expectation soon. I didn’t want to go along with everyone else’s ideas knowing I already have my mind set. I felt bad at first, like I was trying to prove something. But, it did, partially, come from a good place. Honesty.

Anxious Thoughts Throughout the Day

  • James think I am combative and incompetent because of my debate with him over an idea
    • The facts are: I had a question, I tried my best to understand why he doesn’t like it, in the end, I can see where he is coming from. I don’t know what he’s thinking about me.
    • This is good practice to be detached from the desire of wanting other’s adulation. Let go of my attachment to my own idea of who I am as a friend, and as a co-worker. Let go of self judgements and thoughts that don’t serve the purpose of moving forward. Growth happens when you step forward instead of standing still in fear of what other’s may think of you.
    • The reason I called was to achieve the goal of understanding. The journey wasn’t smooth, it caused me a little bit of anxiety, but in the end, I got these answers:
      • Process: Before coming to James, huddle with Tom first – choose and offer it would be ideal for then come to James. He isn’t the boss but just needs direction and if I’m insistent he’ll go with it
    • Everyone has the right to cause problems if it comes from a good place – mine was to make the company money
    • Back to my to do list
  • Silence from coworkers adds on to my feelings of being “too much”, “too aggressive”, “not effective”
    • I don’t know what others are thinking. Others are busy with their own work. Breath, focus on task at hand. You don’t need clear cut, step one, step two. You think you do because you want validation for what you’re doing. You are smart enough to measure your own effectiveness even without someone else measurement stick. Be your own measurement stick, Vien. Don’t line up for the rac
  • So much of my mood is dependent on outputs out of my control. It doesn’t have to be this way. I recognize it, why do I need it? Why do I need positive reaction? Because I’m not confident in my own outputs.
    • someone’s reaction to me
    • people not looking at me
    • others good mood and good relationships

 

Wednesday, the 18th of January

Priorities: Today I have a clearer sense of clarity. Monday and Tuesday I was lost in a state of being overwhelmed by too many tasks items without priorities assigned to them. Today, I’ve learned through talking to different people and watching a couple of YouTube videos how to priorities these items. I had to do with putting a value to these tasks that will equate to what I want as a long term goal. That helped alot in figuring out what tasks to tackle first and what tasks I can give up to others to do. Right now I’m tackling must do items. After that, I am tackling creative items such as – brainstorming on content ideas and logo creation. Before prioritizing, I would have let these be the last. But because I want to develop as a content writer and designer, I am prioritizing these items. After that are just tasks that needs to be done as well such as header image creation, new/beta offer writing (which is mundane), watching demo’s for creative (which will be a treat after the prior two tasks. If time permits, I will help write content for the content bank. Prior to prioritizing, I was overwhelmed with wanting to help knock off campaigns for the content bank. But now, not so much. I also meditated this morning! After work today, I must re-set up Alex’s site with WordPress. It’s been a doozy getting his current domain wiped clean. I was on the phone with Go-daddy for a collective 2 hours probably. Waited the 24 hours for things to reset but it didn’t. Now, it’s clean and wordpress is installed. I have tonight to re set up. I really want to meet Alex’s desire to have it go live tomorrow but we will see. I am only able to do what I can, I can’t control issues and learning obstacles. I am doing this as a big help also. So, I don’t feel too bad.

23rd of January, Year 2017

I am more aware of my weaknesses in terms of work. To operate without stress, I need guidelines and processes in place. I can look at it differently. Perhaps my inability to operate without one can be a motivator for putting in place one. Everyone needs direction, it’s the reason I left 40Digits. I didn’t have the right mindset to be in a position where I create these guidelines and steps. I am lost without it.

Being on the content department is challenging because there is no process in place for the brainstorming team I am in. I walk in the shadows of Tom instead of charging forward with my own mental capabilities. It’s not a bad thing, I have to remind myself. It’s a learning process for sure.

What I want to do is to create a process for this brainstorming team. I will outline one. My weakness is believing in my ideas. I feel as if they will be thought of as not good enough. I cannot let this fear stop me from charging forward. The worst thing I can be is inactive, the best thing I can do is take action. No matter the outcome, as long as I put deliberate thinking into my projects, I won’t feel badly about myself.

On to the next topic of discussion – balancing fitness goals, social life, and work.

Today it was apparent that my fitness was getting in the way of work and my social life. I woke late and went to the gym, not starting work until ten. Tonight I planned to do BJJ at 6:30. I got an invite from Erin to go watch The Bachelor and munch out, I got Angie asking the crew if we wanted to have dinner tonight, and then my brother asked me to come over for dinner… whoa, I realized, all three things had food and munching out in the mix… that is a HUGE trigger for my bad habits…

Anyways, I feel like my fitness is making me prioritize badly. Perhaps it’s time management that is screwing me up. Had I woke at the time I planned to, I would have started work early – which meant I wouldn’t be overwhelmed with not finishing things. If I didn’t double book myself for two exercise sessions (morning and BJJ) I would have time to go to my brothers or Erins. But if I went with Erin I would have had to say no to my brother. Ok…

It seems to me that we can’t please everyone. Even myself! Man, I wish I had a couch. A couch for fitness, social life, and work life. Some direction on what I should do to feel ok with my decisions about fitness, and some direction with work. More people don’t have guidance than do, so I’m not a victim. Just wishful thinking is all.

Mind dump time…what do I want?

  • I want to have a good social life – where I feel like I’m not continually missing out on get togethers.
  • I want to start and stop work on proper time
  • I want to have a good balance of classes and fitness activities that I’m doing
  • It appears that I WANT EVERYTHING
    • music
    • ju jitsu
    • running
    • yoga
    • good at my job
  • I guess it’s better to be reaching for all of these than nothing at all, although, reducing it would probably be better for me

There’s not a lot of time in the day for everything it seems… Perhaps I’ll read up on time management or listen to a podcast on my way to Ju Jitsu.

Time Management:

  1. List out my core values
  2. Learn to say no: “When we say no to one thing, in effect we’re also saying yes to something else.”

Decisions Made

I’m moving out on my own once this lease is up. That’s in 6 months plus a week.

It will be my first time really on my own. I’ll be 27. The place will be near downtown KC. I am happy I’ve made the decision and am ready for it. I’m ready to really know myself more. I hope to not live for umteen years alone, just for now. It might be risky as I have the missing pit syndrome from time to time, and lonliness. But that is facing the darkness to the max. Here I go.

20th Day of January, 2017

Carly is asking me about MSF output. She thinks I’m not working enough. I think this because I know I’ve slacked a few days.

  • Rethinking: I have no idea what Carly is thinking or planning in asking me about my output. This could actually help give me better direction, if she thinks I don’t do enough then perhaps she can give me more of a clear path since that’s what I’ve been struggling with at work (priorities). What happened was she asked me about work output, that’s it. I won’t interpret it any further.

I requested to be assigned tasks rather than volunteering what I want in new + beta offer writing. Carly must think I’m unable to take initiative or think me a sheep for needing that to work. She must think less of my ability to be my own boss.

  • Rethinking: I know myself, and that is what I would like to happen so that I’m less insecure about my work output. If they assign me what needs to be done then my expectations are set. I don’t want to be a boss, at least right now, so it’s alright if she feels that I’m not cut out for that, right now. I don’t have to be attached to the idea of being the greatest employee ever. It’s okay to make suggestions if it means a less stressful work environment

I’m overhearing this exotic guy chatting to a chick. His accent is of latin descent. His life is colorful. He snowboards, he plays in a band. He has an easy personality. I envy that. I will never be like that. I think of Billy and I think of his exotic-ness. His concert going with his beautiful gals. I’m less of a person because I am not exotic, I am not colorful, I don’t have a lot going on. I’m directionless. I’m doomed to live in the gray and doomed to envy people like this stranger and doomed to miss Billy.

  • Rethinking: I don’t know anything about this exotic guy. Conversations sometimes is like Facebook. He might just be highlighting the colors of his life, he might have bad things going on as well. I have no idea about it. Same with Billy. All the colors I imagine that he has in his life is all in my head. It might be, it might not be. Why dwell on something that is a figment of my imagination? The only thing I know is fact is what I want. I envy this Spanish guy, that in a way is motivation for me to live in that way. Live in color, easy, and open to the world. Just because I’m envious, it doesn’t mean I am doomed to stay envious. I can live that life too. I am just as worthy and capable.

I am meeting with Tom soon about competitor seeding. I feel as if I am having a hard time understanding what he is asking of me. This ties in to my inability to work without structure. I feel stupid because of this and I’m wasting my time. I feel he might think I’m ineffective

  • Rethinking: I have no evidence other than him saying he doesn’t want to waste his time with coming up with mock examples. He’s said I am doing a great job and am creative in what I’m coming up with. I do have a lot of good ideas. Some of my ideas have stuck and have become outliers. This is a new process in which both he and I are in equal control of. The road is long and winding, I don’t have to figure it all out now, we don’t’ have to figure it all out now. As long as he and I are regularly communicating and we both are respectful of each other’s ideas and vision then all is well.

I told Tom I didn’t want to wait for him because I’m antsy to go on a run. Now he thinks I am not committed to work.

  • He has no idea what my schedule is. Plus I might have started work before he did. We all work on our own schedule. I am just as valuable even though I wanted to go on a run. this isn’t really an issue at all. I have no idea what he thinks. The facts are, we planned for 4, he was late, we finally got together, now he said he’ll call back in 10.

Day 19 of the Month January, Year 2017

Hello Hello.

Since 8am, I worked on Alex’s music site. I cannot get the shipping cost to show up on the checkout page, nor can I get it to add to the total for some ridiculous reason. I took a mental break and am starting work. It’s noon – so it’s about time.

I felt a headache coming on so I went to make myself a sandwich. I wanted to binge, but I didn’t. I listened to a podcast about attachments.

It made me start thinking about my attachments to this project. What am I wanting from it? In finishing it, I wasn’t elated – although, it may be because I’m not completely done. I am attached to adulation. I must keep that in mind as I venture into my hobbies and as I pick and choose what I want to volunteer my time to.

After thinking about that, I sat in bed and meditated. I did fall asleep, though, as I didn’t get much rest last night with the music site to do. After that, I feel much better, much more calmer. I want to be a more calm, balanced, and detached person. I want attachments, of course, but I don’t want to be unhappy without them.

I am going to keep the peaceful mindset gained from meditating throughout the day. I prioritized my task items, mimicking yesterday’s method. I will work slowly and carefully through them all.

I’m not going to race through life anymore. I’m want to be more meticulous, less competitive, and purposeful. I know I am capable of a lot of things, now I want to devote that capability to a few things instead of many. The few things being:

  1. Personal development in writing and designing
  2. Adopting tasks and participate in things that drives me towards music

The goal of today will be:

  1. Produce quality designs
  2. Planned research in place
  3. Quality time with my family, today’s Ashly’s birthday too!

Have a great day wherever you are. Don’t give up on yourself and your endeavors and I won’t either. We can do this!