Happy New Year!

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I spent most of today laying in the living room with the Moores. We went to Grant’s house last night and hung out with his friends, including Amber. That was after driving around the surrounding area for an open McDonalds – in which there were none. But, to our hangry surprise, Burger King was thankfully open.

Once at the party we took our drinks – a few beers and shots – to get the night going. Besides us three, there was another couple, two girlfriends, and Grant and Anne. Jonathan showed up about 45 minutes later…with a gun. Not just any gun. It looked like an automatic rifle. Grant and Anne were understandably not happy about that. I was a bit nervous but I knew nothing was going to happen, but then again, if it were my home I wouldn’t be happy either. At one point, he stood up quickly from a computer chair and it hit the wall where a glass frame holding one of Grant’s favorite artists cracked. He also showed up carrying a big box of Reds – about 15 bottles, already dropping 1 or 2 on the sidewalk on his way up. Needless to say, Jonathan was enjoying himself.

Besides Jonathan’s affects, the night was good overall. We didn’t talk to their friends too much and when we danced once New Year’s struck, we were split into two groups mostly. Us dancing and them talking. I didn’t think anything of it until Kristina brought up the glances and comments they were making about us. Comments of us being ‘young’, and her thinking we were being ratchet.

I have a little thing for Grant, but I am chalking it up to my tendency to fall for every guy I am semi attracted to. On top of that, he’s a runner and he is musical – my aspiration in male form. He has a good woman so nothing is going to happen there, as it shouldn’t even if he were single. At one very awkward point while dancing, he reached out for my hand. I paused, and thought that odd, but maybe that’s how they roll. So I took his hand and did a little spin where then he said, “oh…I meant the remote”.

Awkwardly I smiled it off and pointed to the remote, where I left on the side table. I was frozen on what to say and do. I felt myself being a homewrecker. In reality, it was an honest mistake between friends. We all carried on for about an hour and a half after midnight and said our goodbyes.

About 45 minutes after being home, Kristina had a friend over. She is making moves this New Year’s Eve. I feel at odds with this fellow. My gut tells me he is not good for her, but my heart says I have it wrong.That’s all I’ll say on that matter.

Yesterday I also called my dad and had a conversation with him. He opened up about having another woman that cares for him deeply. Then he backs out and says he was just playing. I wish he would just treat me like an adult and tell me things straight, but he wouldn’t be my immature mature father.

I resent him. I do, in this moment in life. I wish he were a better role model. I wish he were there for me emotionally, I wish he wouldn’t make up white lies to get me to do what he wanted, I wish he were less focused on money and acquisitions, I wish he showed me love in a way that I could understand. I wish he and my mom would make up their minds about their relationships. I wish they would have either separated to find happiness on their own or commit to staying together and working through tensions.

My sensitivity to this is heightened by the fact that both my parents often portray themselves as victims of what I think they have choices in.

I learned my attachment style is anxious/ambivalent yesterday morning. These children grow up to be insecure in relationships. It gave a little reasoning to why I was so fond of Billy and why I struggle with feeling wanted. I’ve formed an unhealthy attachment to my roommates. The loneliness I feel when they leave can be explained by this style. I feel really lonely when they go home to Vandalia. I say unhealthy because, I don’t think they are ‘my people’ as I am a bit anxious around them all. Yet… I feel a sense of abandonment when they leave.

It’s a very confusing and frustrating experience. I am glad I recognize it. I also recognize that I am hyper focused on loneliness – as my dad is as well verbally – and I’m sure his mom was as well. Perhaps I’ll ask him about that next time I see him.

Today I visited him for about 3 hours and then went to see Lily. Holding her brings me peace. I feel a strong sense of wanting to transfer positive energy to her so that she grows up happy and loved. Holding her makes me want to have children. But it also lets me know that I am not ready yet. I am not ready to love my child as much as I want to yet. I don’t want my child to have my sadness, possibly brought on by own my inconsistent love. It’s a cycle that I won’t continue.

It’s something I want to be able to talk about with my partner. I know now that my partner must have a secure attachment style. My tint of the world was dark. It seems suffering is all around, as my mom says. My dad is sad, Sue lost Brett, Mom is in Burma for months, Mo is doing her own thing and not talking to me much, Ashly and Cong have their tensions as they muddle through parenthood. Me, I still believe in the silver lining in everything, even though I have been feeling sad on most of my days.

On my way home, I listened to Freakonomics. I listened to an episode about getting better at your chosen hobby. It’s made me excited for the musical meet up I plan to attend.

Anyways, it’s 1:40 am now, I must get sleep. I am hungry though. I’m not sure if I’ll just go to bed or raid the kitchen. You’ll know tomorrow.

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