I went to the gym this morning, at 5:45 a.m. I saw Erin on the elliptical, which normally would be really cool, except, yesterday I asked if she wanted to do a morning workout, “so I can hear all about your first day”. To that she replied there wasn’t much to talk about. I was a bit set back by that, taking it more personal than needed probably.
Seeing her there had heavy implications for me. My mind started going into overdrive – questioning my adequacy and her feelings towards me. I lazily finished the elliptical and did some arm weights, greatly mentally handicapped by this perceived punch in the arm.
I then started to think about all of my relationships, and the fact that I suppress myself in them. Would a person with better relationship skills bring up that that hurts her feelings? What would such person do in this scenario?
Me? I just swept in under the rug in front of her, pretended like it didn’t phase me. No mentions of it. Now I wonder where our relationship stands, not because of what little milk was spilled, but because I question am I someone I’d want to be friends with.
And more importantly, am I someone I’d want to start a family with? If I can’t communicate my feelings like this, if I’m suppressing emotions, if expressed, could better shape my environment.
I feel as if I’m a fraud. I feign emotional support. I don’t try to, but I didn’t learn from my parents. I don’t know where to learn it from. I don’t know why I feel the way I feel, and why it affects me to a point where I went from wanting to conquer the wordpress site and work today, to just wanting to curl up in a warm ball of self pity.
I know I want to be more present and less self focused. I want to express myself more and feel like that’s ok.
Right now though, I don’t have it in me. Just like my parents didn’t have it in them… that scares me because it makes me wonder if we really can prevent ourselves from becoming what we fear most.
Such as, my Little is in town. This morning’s happenings made me realize that I am not the perfect Big. In fact, I’m quite the fraudulent big. I think she wants from me the emotional support I can’t even give myself. No one is perfect, I have to remember that. What, though, would guide me towards a more mentally healthy life?
Instead of curling up in a warm and cozy ball of self pity right away – I’ll tackle a priority item on my to do list. I’ll try to keep going until I really can’t anymore. That will solve my productivity anxiety.
What will solve my relationship and ending up alone like my dad anxiety?