I went to bed thinking about this alot. What would happen if I died? Who would mourn? What would be left unsaid? Death is so final, but at the same time, during episodes of intense sadness, it seems so freeing. No longer do I overthink relationships, no longer do I feel self-pity, no longer would I feel inadequate and lonely. I felt so alone going to bed last night, and I kept thinking about this topic until I fell asleep. How nice it would be to not feel the emptiness anymore.
I don’t want to die, though, because I know there are more feelings than this sadness that hits me hard on lonely weekends. I wasn’t even alone – I was with my roommates, but, with my roommates I still feel alone. I don’t feel wanted by two of them. Where is this pathetic concern coming from? Why do I even care?
Let’s break down my weekend and my thoughts:
- I don’t have a “friend group”, one of which I can be completely my awkward self and still feel accepted. One I can lean on and say, they got me. This, by far, is the deepest scar
Honestly, that’s it. A sense of community and unconditional love is all that I want. This is why I don’t want to die. This single item has tormented me all my life might be easily cured with action and planning on my part. This yearning to belong and be loved, I feel it in spurts during simple conversations with a friend or times when I’m completely in the moment. It’s a single item, but such an incredibly important item.
When I think of an ‘ideal’ life, what do I see?
- I would have this friend group, or a community
- I nourish my body with healthy foods but am still able be relax when I want to have fun or treat myself
- I don’t second guess or criticize who I think I am
- I have a healthy body image
- I’m deep into my hobby and showcase it on a public platform – no matter the scale, I’d like to share my love with others
This weekend was a sad weekend, if you saw me, you would think me suicidal. I kept beating myself up for my inability to get this music site to work correctly, and the constant challenges that pop up was discouraging. I kept feeling bad for myself for how lonely I felt. I allow what I think others think to make me feel less. I ended up eating a whopping 6 thousand calories to feed that emptiness.
The silver lining, though, is today is a little brighter. Perhaps because it’s the work week and I’m not consumed by not knowing what to do with my weekend off times. The other silver lining is that I know what my triggers are.
The reality, though, is that knowing isn’t going to stop negative actions from happening. When I’m in the hour of self-pity, I just want to self-destruct. What I can do, then, is to be proactive and preemptive. Instead of waiting for these moments to come, I can use this time of feel good to set up my weekends.
Things that may deter self-pity weekends:
- Planned soccer night – join All American Soccer
- Volunteer – what should I volunteer in?
- Don’t succumb to challenges – feeling inadequate about abilities
- Invite friends over for games – be proactive and invite others over instead of just wishing for it
- Throw self in hobbies – music writing, find like-minded people
That’s all I have on the topic of morbid death and my silver linings. Vien – don’t you ever, ever, give up on yourself.