My dad and I got into it. I came home to get my car fixed by him, he asked if I can help him call certain bill collectors.
And then, he went on his tangents about how mom set all this up and now it’s a mess and this and that and… I should have bitten my tongue. But I can’t, when it comes my parents, us kids are always in the middle. They use us as punching bags for each other. It tears me apart. I couldn’t sit and listen to him gripe about all the wrong things mom did before going to Burma, I hate hearing all the bad things my dad did and does from her too. When I walked through the door I was happy, my day was great. I felt grateful for everything. I had a single thought, though, go through my head as I swung open the door, “I don’t know what to expect from my dad today”. Will he be his happy self or his negative, shitting on mom self. It was both. He plays both parts so well. I am too sensitive to play catch up with what he feels in each moment.
He goes from griping like the world is going to end, to smiling and talking about something light. I FUCKING HATE THAT.
This is why I don’t want kids. My god, if I make my kids feel the way I feel, then I have failed as a parent. I walked into the bathroom to let out my tears, and thought, of course I would hide and deal with my emotions alone. And blame myself for the way I feel. I shouldn’t have to apologize for having these feelings. My dad is not equipped to support me this way, in fact, I have to support him this way. I’m just confused. Do you want to stay together or not? Are you pissed or happy right now? Pick one, deal with it, then get the fuck over it. I walked out of the bathroom, with my head up and pretended like I wasn’t bothered. I answered whatever questions his now sweet voice asks.
My reaction to this makes me feel like I am not equipped to handle any sort of conflict. Which, I really hope isn’t the case. I don’t want to be shifted because of conflict – I want to be able to face it and deal with conflict. But I can’t when I can’t even have these conversations with my dad.
BUT ~ it’s all groovy.
Here is the silver lining – this is how my dad is. I take things to heart and possibly make things bigger than it is. He could simply be expressing his anxiety which is important, he still has all the love and care for my mom. But this platform, me, us kids, is NOT the platform to express these emotions. I’m not saying he needs to hide it. I want him to talk about it. But, I can’t keep doing this if he does ZERO self reflections and continuously thinks of himself as the victim.
I’ll apologize when he gets back inside, and let him know I still love him dearly.
When I create my own family, I don’t want cold shoulders or finger pointing. I don’t want emptiness taking over when someone isn’t there. I don’t want guilt trips or the blind pursuit of money.
I’m okay, I just needed to vent.
I meant to write earlier about positive things, but didn’t get around to it. I am urged to write when I feel incredibly sad, so at least that got me to write…
On a positive note – yesterday I went to the gym and read about Yoga. It’s something I want to start doing, it sounds like an all around healthy way to live. Not just yoga physically, but it also teaches about mental balance, which I am in a life long pursuit of. The magazine also encouraged us to write about relationships or things happening during the day rather than our sorrows. I know I do a lot of this, but my journey includes being more present and aware of what I’m doing and the people in my life. That will hopefully transpire into writing more about them and it and not me and my emotions. I had a thought that maybe my site BloomingX.com could be about my journey through Yoga and a more balanced lifestyle – balanced in meals, exercise, mental health (body image included).
I did end last night with the 3rd day binge. The silver lining there is when I did it, I wasn’t sad, I just wanted to. Another silver lining is it made today’s workout KICK ASS.
My dad just came up to chat with me about the car. All if fine I guess. WHY CAN’T WE DEAL WITH HOW WE FEEL, REFLECT, AND GROW… I can’t sweep it under the rug like he can.