I can feel myself slipping into a depressive cycle. And I know exactly what the triggers are, so I must write about it.
- I am getting annoyed of my roommates, perhaps they are the victims of my PMS feels or perhaps I have a right to feel the way I feel. I became annoyed when Kristina didn’t follow through with her statement that she will follow up with our landlord about our missing checks. The day came around and she didn’t want to be the person to send it. I don’t know what lays in her way in her head, but I was annoyed because it was something that 1. she said she’d do, and 2. it needs to be done. So I went ahead and sent the text. I ended up driving the checks to John, about my 3rd or 4th time doing it. The other two roommates don’t take any responsibilities for bills at all. Which is fine, I guess. Or maybe it’s unfair to Kristina and I. I don’t know.
- Angie invited us three to dinner but she texted my old phone. I was already out with Erin when Karen called asking if I was coming. Ok, I’m being ridiculous here. i think my irritation built from the irresponsible nature of the Moores and I am blaming them here. I was thinking, they could have brought it up the two days prior. But, I had already made plans with Erin last week for this week so it wouldn’t matter. It’s the principle of it. But it’s also a weird principle. I shouldn’t be feeling this way here. I think I’m just sensitive to the missing out of occasions so it got me. I was being sour to Kristina.
- I had a long conversation with Erin, diving deep. Then I had a conversation with Chris, this guy at the dog park. I was more assertive than normal. As in, I interrupted him some to talk. I had to though! He talked so much and I wasn’t going to just listen like I normally do. After these deep talks, though, I felt really vulnerable. Did I say too much? Or the wrong things? Was I trying to be someone I am not? I don’t know.
- It’s Friday.. I hate weekends. I’ve always hated them because it highlighted the fact that I am insecure about my social life. It won’t always be like this though. I’ll create a life where I look forward to my weekends.
So yeah, these thoughts and happenings are what causing me to feel that little flame of anxiety. I feel like the only solutions to my dilemma with my roommate is to either, 1. deal with it and live with the anxiety. Hope that I’ll grow out of it, or 2. Get my own place…
I might do the latter… I’m nervous because that’s ‘facing the darkness’ in the bravest way. I worry I will miss out on the Moores and Jakes adventures, but honestly, I’ve kept myself from enjoying these adventures because of the ‘click’ disconnect anyways. So I really wouldn’t be missing out on much. Even, I may enjoy it more if I actually reach out and seek that experience rather than feeling a mere convenient inclusion.
In 15 minutes I have a call with David – head of the content department to go over my goals. I am in both creative and content. I want to make sure I have a heavy hand in creative because I really enjoy learning and using photoshop and stretching my creative brain. I must make that clear to him, that I must maintain time for creative. It might be difficult to find a balance for me at the beginning, but if I make that clear to him, then my workload should be balanced.
After the call, I am going to the gym, then to Starbucks to work. I may see Victor, I hope I do. I feel terrible because I stopped going all of a sudden and I wonder what he thinks. I hope he doesn’t take it personal. I shouldn’t worry about that because, I know I only worry because I would feel that way if I were in his shoes. He is not like me, he’s not as affected by things like this. So he’s probably just doing his own thing.
This weekend, I’m going to work really hard against falling into the cycle mill. I know I have feelings, and it’s ok that I have these feelings. I just have to work through them, face them. I am human, I am not a bad person for feeling irritated, annoyed, or sensitive.
Vien, I love you, don’t you ever ever ever give up on yourself. Even when you feel the sky is becoming dark, you know, your eyes always adjust until the sun creeps up ever so slowly again. Just as you can’t control nightfall, you can’t control the sunlight that is determined to creep through your blinds either.