20th Day of January, 2017

Carly is asking me about MSF output. She thinks I’m not working enough. I think this because I know I’ve slacked a few days.

  • Rethinking: I have no idea what Carly is thinking or planning in asking me about my output. This could actually help give me better direction, if she thinks I don’t do enough then perhaps she can give me more of a clear path since that’s what I’ve been struggling with at work (priorities). What happened was she asked me about work output, that’s it. I won’t interpret it any further.

I requested to be assigned tasks rather than volunteering what I want in new + beta offer writing. Carly must think I’m unable to take initiative or think me a sheep for needing that to work. She must think less of my ability to be my own boss.

  • Rethinking: I know myself, and that is what I would like to happen so that I’m less insecure about my work output. If they assign me what needs to be done then my expectations are set. I don’t want to be a boss, at least right now, so it’s alright if she feels that I’m not cut out for that, right now. I don’t have to be attached to the idea of being the greatest employee ever. It’s okay to make suggestions if it means a less stressful work environment

I’m overhearing this exotic guy chatting to a chick. His accent is of latin descent. His life is colorful. He snowboards, he plays in a band. He has an easy personality. I envy that. I will never be like that. I think of Billy and I think of his exotic-ness. His concert going with his beautiful gals. I’m less of a person because I am not exotic, I am not colorful, I don’t have a lot going on. I’m directionless. I’m doomed to live in the gray and doomed to envy people like this stranger and doomed to miss Billy.

  • Rethinking: I don’t know anything about this exotic guy. Conversations sometimes is like Facebook. He might just be highlighting the colors of his life, he might have bad things going on as well. I have no idea about it. Same with Billy. All the colors I imagine that he has in his life is all in my head. It might be, it might not be. Why dwell on something that is a figment of my imagination? The only thing I know is fact is what I want. I envy this Spanish guy, that in a way is motivation for me to live in that way. Live in color, easy, and open to the world. Just because I’m envious, it doesn’t mean I am doomed to stay envious. I can live that life too. I am just as worthy and capable.

I am meeting with Tom soon about competitor seeding. I feel as if I am having a hard time understanding what he is asking of me. This ties in to my inability to work without structure. I feel stupid because of this and I’m wasting my time. I feel he might think I’m ineffective

  • Rethinking: I have no evidence other than him saying he doesn’t want to waste his time with coming up with mock examples. He’s said I am doing a great job and am creative in what I’m coming up with. I do have a lot of good ideas. Some of my ideas have stuck and have become outliers. This is a new process in which both he and I are in equal control of. The road is long and winding, I don’t have to figure it all out now, we don’t’ have to figure it all out now. As long as he and I are regularly communicating and we both are respectful of each other’s ideas and vision then all is well.

I told Tom I didn’t want to wait for him because I’m antsy to go on a run. Now he thinks I am not committed to work.

  • He has no idea what my schedule is. Plus I might have started work before he did. We all work on our own schedule. I am just as valuable even though I wanted to go on a run. this isn’t really an issue at all. I have no idea what he thinks. The facts are, we planned for 4, he was late, we finally got together, now he said he’ll call back in 10.

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