Day 26 of January, in 2017

So Ju Jitsu has been a good experience so far. I’ve done two classes. The first class I was the only girl, the second class I got to practice with a couple girls. I enjoyed doing it with girls because I don’t think too much about anything other than what I’m doing. Although, the first girl I started to think she think me too inexperience – but I think that’s just my own projections. The second girl was smaller and more nervous. Her movements more frantic. I stayed a bit after during the second time, motivated by a purple belt guy to do the warm up with the competitive team. I absolutely loved the physical challenge. The touching, the lessons, the motivational talks, the physical challenges have been intoxicating. Here are what I have going on in terms of growth:

  • Not falling for every guy I meet
    • The more I become use to hanging with the guys, the less I’ll be so inclined to fall for them. I’ve read a little bit of resources about this topic. Much of which talked about personal insecurities and the need for validation in the form of attention being the cause of this ease of love.
  • Focus on a goal instead of emotional attachment
    • Relationships are wonderful and warming, but being too attached to it weakens you when things don’t go well, or you overthink your actions and words with someone.
  • Be ok with not being ok, be ok with being uncomfortable
  • Learn to detach from desires
    • Personal relationships: it’s ok if you’re not getting what you want from a relationship, it’s great if you do
    • Work: it’s ok not to take charge if that’s not your passion
    • Detachment from perfection

Last night I came over to Angie’s, Karen, Kristina, Cory and his friend Clint were there. I came late because I went to Yoga first. Also, because dinner was at 8 and since I already had dinner, I wanted to make sure I made it after meals were being served as to not tempt myself. I’ve been following a meal plan, I’m on day 3 and it’s been good so far. I haven’t been really hungry. I’ve been talking to a couple people who also have bing eating disorder, and I’ve been active on the subreddit, asking questions and offering advice. I’ve been meditating more, and feel happier all around. Happier doesn’t mean happy – just not in a paralyzed state of covetous (which I learned is opposite of contentment) as I usually am which causes binge eating.

Whoa.

Covetous: greedy, acquisitive, grasping, avaricious mean having or showing a strong desire for especially material possessions. covetous implies inordinate desire often for another’s possessions

Although this describes the desire of material possessions, I can actually apply this state of mind to my desire for emotional things – showing strong desire of the possession of other’s affection.

I think digesting this new finding may aid in my detachment journey.

Last night during conversation with everyone, I let out that I’ve been thinking about moving into the apartment complex Kevin use to live. Although I marked in my calendar that I was going to bring it up in Spring, it came up last night because we were talking about living situations, and I wanted to set that expectation soon. I didn’t want to go along with everyone else’s ideas knowing I already have my mind set. I felt bad at first, like I was trying to prove something. But, it did, partially, come from a good place. Honesty.

Anxious Thoughts Throughout the Day

  • James think I am combative and incompetent because of my debate with him over an idea
    • The facts are: I had a question, I tried my best to understand why he doesn’t like it, in the end, I can see where he is coming from. I don’t know what he’s thinking about me.
    • This is good practice to be detached from the desire of wanting other’s adulation. Let go of my attachment to my own idea of who I am as a friend, and as a co-worker. Let go of self judgements and thoughts that don’t serve the purpose of moving forward. Growth happens when you step forward instead of standing still in fear of what other’s may think of you.
    • The reason I called was to achieve the goal of understanding. The journey wasn’t smooth, it caused me a little bit of anxiety, but in the end, I got these answers:
      • Process: Before coming to James, huddle with Tom first – choose and offer it would be ideal for then come to James. He isn’t the boss but just needs direction and if I’m insistent he’ll go with it
    • Everyone has the right to cause problems if it comes from a good place – mine was to make the company money
    • Back to my to do list
  • Silence from coworkers adds on to my feelings of being “too much”, “too aggressive”, “not effective”
    • I don’t know what others are thinking. Others are busy with their own work. Breath, focus on task at hand. You don’t need clear cut, step one, step two. You think you do because you want validation for what you’re doing. You are smart enough to measure your own effectiveness even without someone else measurement stick. Be your own measurement stick, Vien. Don’t line up for the rac
  • So much of my mood is dependent on outputs out of my control. It doesn’t have to be this way. I recognize it, why do I need it? Why do I need positive reaction? Because I’m not confident in my own outputs.
    • someone’s reaction to me
    • people not looking at me
    • others good mood and good relationships

 

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