Lately I’ve been feeling above the depression line. It’s due to the fact that I’ve been doing Yoga and Jiu Jitsu, eating well and normal. I feel attractive, yet I hold on to the belief that I don’t have the personality for someone who I really am attracted to, to be attracted to me on that level as well.
An example of this is Mr. Dave… The Dave that I’ve been talking about in previous posts. I saw him, staring straight at me as I walked through the doors of Gilhouly’s. I stared, longer than I intended to because I wasn’t sure if it was really him. He and I both had huge smiles on our faces, and that was the highlight of the night. Everything there after went stale because I was so nervous, my tongue was tied and I was depleted of anything to say after our initial ‘how are yous’. I was a lame cat.
I don’t feel too bad because, I truly believe that timing is everything. I am not ready for whatever relationship my daydreaming mind whipped up – simply because I don’t believe myself enough for that kind of relationship yet. It’s odd because I know it’s faulty thinking. But I still think it.
Anyways, that night was a great confidence boost. I didn’t feel invisible, I got more eyes looking my way than I ever got before. That reason alone made Dave’s departure without a single goodbye ok. I’m use to it – as sadly as that sounds. The difference that I’m working towards, though, is my indifference to it. I’m getting there, but not quite. I want to see men as just human.
I’ve also realized some things about me – a realization that all I really want is attention. I feel inadequate when I don’t get it, yet I know once I have it, I don’t want it from that guy. I’m just wanting to collect desire for my own ego. Desire = proof that I’m worthy. Which, is not a way that I want to live and think, at all. I’m happy that I acknowledge it, even though it’s my current memo it won’t be for long. My task is to cut the middle man of wanting desire, to the chase which is not wanting them at all (which is inevitably the result decision if desire is given to me). Being fit and goal oriented is going to help me achieve this mindset.
If you saw me naked, you’d think I was a victim of domestic violence. I have bruises on both shoulder blades, one on my right hand, a couple on my legs, and my hip bones are sore. All from rolling.
Yesterday was the first day I ‘legitly’ rolled. “Rolling” is the term used for really jiu jitsu wrestling with another person. It comes after Fundamentals class which usually lasts for an hour and a half. Advance class starts right after that. I started that by staying and doing the core exercises, which led to just saying through to advance class then to rolling. Yesterday, I pretty much stayed the entire time that other advanced guys stayed.
The sport is fun and I wanted to keep going. Be it the high from being close to another person, or just being able to wrestle and not think about anything else in the world that makes it so fun. I do get into my head from time to time, questioning my motivation for being there. But, in order to keep up my mood, I throw these questions out of my mind. At one point, I looked around and realize, I’m probably not the only one there that questions their commitment or motivation for being there. It doesn’t matter what gets me in, what matters is what makes me stay.
Honestly, the fundamental class is a bit boring. We do the same move over and over and it’s much too crowded. Now, I understand the importance of repeating a task to get it down, I know I need it. But, if I left right after fundamentals, I wouldn’t have as much fun for certain.
Now, I am human so my mind likes to daydream as there are guys around from time to time during class, but I’m doing a good job at re-focusing and treating these guys as just humans when we roll. Also, I sometimes pretend they’re ladies. I also dress in loose clothing, I’m much more comfortable that way and don’t second guess my every move which I would do if I wore my regular gym clothes. I am determined to set the tone, which is, I am there for BJJ and nothing more. I want this to last, I don’t want any tangles to deter me from continuing this sport.
Sunday I ran to class – making it right on time, running a little over 2 miles in 20 minutes! Somehow, chatting with a kid named Dario led to him walking with me home. He is but 20 years old, and he thought I was much younger, thoroughly surprised when I said I graduated college in 2012. I will be 27 next month, I said proudly. I don’t know what his memo was but I’m not going to think of it too much. He’s a nice kid along with the others in the gym.
Now that I’ve re-read this – not somehow… I encouraged it by waiting with him while he got water and walking out the door. I must be more conscious of my actions… I can’t do what I use to do and encourage attention. Consistency is key, friendships blossom from consistency. My task for classes moving forward is to not attach to anyone – I will treat everyone equally.
Being active in this sport also helps me not be too bummed about not being in a relationship. If I got into one, with someone that isn’t athletic or even not in jiu jitsu, I think he would be uncomfortable or I wouldn’t want to pursuit it anymore. For instance, Dave is not athletic and I’d probably overthink it when I do go to jiu jitsu. Timing..it’s all about timing. I want a physically fit man, that is non negotiable. Goodbye Dave…
I almost fell into a little sadness today realizing having someone to really love would bring me a lot of joy…but I stopped myself by realizing that it will happen for me. Just not right now…timing.
I added this to my fitness schedule. I love it almost as much as Jiu Jitsu. It’s a combo of Thai Chi, yoga, and pilates. I can do the crane for a few seconds:
I feel so fit compared to when I just ran long distance. I am more balanced and focused. I also am able to forget about my woes during body flow and have entertained the idea of instructing years from now, if I continue practicing.
Work & Victor
I’ve been productive with work, I put in my 8 hours and focus on the task at hand. I’ve been working from Starbucks last week and this week. Chatting a lot with Victor, who recently, have created a bubble of frustration in my tummy when he calls me out on things such as: only being on the surface of things, being passive, dreaming of Utopia, working for someone else’s dreams, etc. I tolerate it because I know he’s right. I don’t beat myself up for it though, it’s a journey I’m on. Also, knowing that he’s in his 80’s and have achieved financial success yet feels at a loss for what to do now to satisfy him in his retirement brings me comfort in a twisted way. It’s not all about money folks. We go on and on about me wanting to pursue passion and how that may be my search for utopia – yet he’s at a lost for what he wants to do now that money is not the end goal. It seems like both he and I are in search for that something more. I have time to leverage though, whereas, he feels like he doesn’t.
I introduced him to the idea of creating his own podcast channel. I’ve thought this a while ago but only brought it up today because he mentions, often, that he hasn’t been productive in a long time. I told him to not create another business, but create a podcast instead. He has a lot of experience and wisdom to share and a podcast would be the perfect platform for that. Surprisingly, he never heard of podcasts before… (+1 for Vien : D ). I downloaded the app for him, we’ll see if he uses it…
What will I make the purpose of my existence? I’ve thought about “paying it forward” being a purpose. Relaying things I’ve learned about my battle with bulimia and binge eating, my battle with depression and anxiety (that I’m still fighting), about doing instead of just talking. I’m not clear on it yet – I’m still just on the surface… but I think I’ll dive deeper soon… everyday is a tiny step forward.
I’ve realized too, just because I can do something other’s think they can’t, doesn’t mean I should do it – i.e. setting up the music website. It’s taught me that I can do things, but the high I got from it was very minimal. In the same vein, just because a guy is cute and gives me attention doesn’t mean he’s meant for me. It’s all about timing and knowing yourself enough to say no, even though what’s in front of you looks delicious and inspires visions of euphoria. Self control is key.