I can’t remember the last time I’ve written on here… I’ve been cheating on you… I’ve found a little community on Reddit – the BingeEatingDisorder subreddit. There, I’ve been posting everyday and titling it “Challenging my Binge/Urge Day #__”. There I feel heard and seen, some have commented encouraging things, saying my points help them out in their recovery process. I feel seen, heard, and validated there.
I started reading Brain Over Binge, it’s become a game changer for me. Without getting in too deep, an example of the change it’s made is this: I was in a mood after my Big’s grandma’s birthday, one I am typically in that eats me alive. I reached out to Jackson who has become my support friend from Reddit. He talked me out of my strong urges. I had fallen asleep trying to meditate, and when I woke, I took myself to the kitchen. I began eating and eating, but for the first time ever, I felt my ‘human brain’ and my ‘animal brain’ at odds. Usually, my animal brain takes over and I robotically stuff my face. Tonight, though, mid-way, I didn’t want anymore. I continued, just because. But really, something was different. The difference was that I actually knew, in the moment, I was still going to feel empty once my stomach was full.
I was stuffed but not painfully full. I went back into my room. When I heard Karen and our other friends coming home, I closed the door and began to relive my teen years where my sister would be with a large group of friends, and I would be alone reading somewhere – dreaming of a day where I would be just like her. I began to dig myself into a dark hole in my room, while Karen and our other friends chit chatted outside. I felt so anti-social, so alone, yet so not wanting to mingle either.
I had a little epiphany, well it started with the question, “why do I want what I want”? Why am I so unhappy with my social capabilities? Why do I continuously force myself to want to be this social butterfly? Why do I feel empty having something that makes me uncomfortable?
I think… this is my first step to self acceptance… I accept my social awkwardness and my sensation of feeling uncomfortable in certain social situations. The binge that I feel really wasn’t a binge doesn’t hurt me like it usually does. Maybe because I know that would be my last binge ever. Today, I begin my journey towards letting go of my obsession with relationships and will live my life the way it naturally feels good to live.
Because I am no good at social groups, for now, I am going to devote my time, instead to becoming the best that I can be within the practice of Jiu Jitsu, running, & possibly volunteering. I will possibly set up a meetup for running long runs around Kansas City.
I feel a new sensation taking over my body and soul, something has woken up… a blurry vision of purpose not yet actualized… something is there. I no longer wish to be this social butterfly.
I love myself in the darkness of my empty room, I love my thoughts swirling in my head that is directing me towards a purposeful life… Although I would love to be a social butterfly because of the energy it seems to give others and my envy towards them, I can’t become it simply because it’s not me. Just like, I can’t be with Billy simply because he doesn’t return the same love. It’s just not meant to be. Acceptance is the first step. I accept that I am neither meant for Billy or to be a butterfly. I’m meant to be something else, not worse off and not better. Just something else that is better suited for me. I, for the first time ever, am so excited about who I am going to become… I’ve heard it from others to me, but I’ve never believed it. For the first time ever, I believe that whatever I’m going to become, is going to be great.
Vien, I love the hell out of you.