The Continual Pursuit of Happiness

Alright. Last night, I binged. I surely did. I was happy with my abs coming through the entire day yesterday and then, BOOM, the night came and I found myself in the kitchen. Like a racoon, I was scavenging for food. I ate everything from 2 chicken sausages with squash spaghetti, half a stack of crackers with sour cream and salsa, a chicken drumstick, 2 cups of ice cream, and almost 5 tablespoons (blocks of butter measurement) of cheese (maybe even more!)

This morning I feel the same old feeling I’ve felt after a night of binging, as I have for the last umteen years…

Why did I binge? Is it worth asking that? Eckhart mentioned a saying… when an arrow is shot and hits you, you first don’t question why the arrow was shot, you first try to remove the arrow. That was applied to a question that was “where do thoughts come from?”. But in the context of binging, is it worth asking why I binge? Do I have to seek the why to stop the action? Say a child is crying after school and you kneel down to console her. You will ask why she is crying and then you will dispel whatever happened with a better outlook to make her feel better… so with this example, it’s like figuring out the list of why’s so you can talk yourself out of each point that encourages a binge. But, you know what would be even more badass… if that child wasn’t crying in the first place… if that child wasn’t affected by whatever happened on the outside world and she carried on as is… if that arrow shot and missed her… I think that’s what I aspire to be. I don’t want to dig my brain for a endless list of why’s to the question of “why do I binge?”.

Meditation so far has been so difficult but it has made me realize how overactive my brain is in terms of thinking. It also has allowed me to find a bit of peace in the moment, I can breath through anxious feelings in my belly that arise when certain thoughts take over. This peace and little bubble of happiness in my belly is what I am investing in to enable me to be this badass child – to not feel down because of external happenings.

Last night, I binged, though. I don’t feel stressed about it because I feel I am working towards understanding my body better. Who knows, I was hungry but lacked a bit of self control. That’s simply what I’ll work on today. If I’m hungry, I will eat and control myself from eating the junk I did like last night. With that being said, I truly want to heal my relationship with food. Sometimes I look at food as if it’s the enemy. Food brings me fear… I look at junk food and a little fear is triggered in me. I look at healthy food and a little resentment arises. How do I heal this relationship with food? Healing this relationship though, might sidetrack from being that badass child I want to be – but it might be necessary to be that girl by being opposite her for the time being.

I would think I would have to heal my relationship with my body image and appearance in order to heal my relationship with food. What does that take? Healing isn’t saying nothing is wrong and that what I’m insecure about is from thin air. There are certain expectations and an ideal look that I think is beautiful, what society thinks is beautiful, and that is the standard that I’ve set for myself. So, since I don’t feel I meet that standard, then I think something is wrong. Thinking something is wrong leads to body dissatisfaction. I want the hot body because I want the attention, and I want the youth and energy that comes with it. Nothing is wrong with wanting that, but the issue is that I think I’ll be unhappy without it. 

So there… without going into a tangent… I will accept imperfection little by little everyday. Accepting imperfection… I think this will be a very powerful move in my life. I’ve lived in fear of not becoming someone. I always wanted to be something great and felt less than when it didn’t seem I would be that person. That in itself is an expectation that, without it, caused me great unhappiness. Yesterday, though, I had moments where I felt I’m okay without being that someone. That I don’t have to be, really, anyone special. I’m just another human being, and that’s okay. Some people are wired to be more seen, and more heard. I don’t have to be this great daughter, this great friend, great co-worker that strives to greatness. I’m great in my own way. I am great in that I can write all this out, I’m truly happy about that. I’m great in that I can strum a few chords and sing to it, I’m great in that I can run long distances. I am great in my own way. I have imperfections but, truly, every single breathing and non-breathing thing has imperfections.

This… this release is bringing tears to my eyes. I am great in my own way. It’s different from the greatness we see others are known for, but it is still great. Everyone has this greatness in them, this hidden greatness. There’s even greatness from the realization of the greatness within all of our imperfect greatness…what a mind twister. It doesn’t mean I’m going to stop working towards being this badass child, it’s opposite of that.

So.. food.. I deeply love you, do you love me as well? I’ll give you time to figure that out. Breasts… I also love you for your imperfections… do you love me as well? Stretchmarks, thighs, to my average eyes… I love you all… do you love me as well?

I’ve always craved to be me… but felt lost because I didn’t know who me was. All along, the me has been here. I’ve just been too embarrassed, in denial, and a little bit of a sheep to let me break through the current front that is me. I’ve been told growing up that ‘me’ wasn’t good enough and that I should fix this, do that, act this way, don’t act that way…but now, I’m on my own. I don’t have those voices in my ear every single day anymore. Well, I did, it had become my own voice.. but I’m realizing, that is not my voice that I’m hearing. It’s voices of others, it’s their aspiration of perfection shoved onto me to fulfil… I’m not signing up for that anymore.

Vien, I truly love you. Be that messy, sometimes mindless girl that you are. Have no shame.. cross your legs however you want, spill out of jeans and shirts if that’s what your body does, say blunt things, act boyish, be loud, dance, sing, and play! Let your mind run free, you owe it to yourself to let you shine through now. No more hiding behind the curtains because your form doesn’t match the silhouette. Be you, great in subtle ways. You don’t have to make a splash to live happily, nor do you have to leave a mark.

Anyways… back to work I go.

Advertisements

Ted Talk (Happiness) & Nutrition

Ted Talk:

Our mind is like a balloon blowing in the wind. Our happiness is affected by external things. If things don’t go our way, then our happiness disappears.

As long as our reasons for why we have a good day are lists of external conditions then we’re not going to have the stable happiness that we all want. Because if that’s what our happiness depends on, because we can’t control people and circumstances (and our thoughts) every single day, then our happiness will be in the hands of others and our thoughts.

  1. Stop outsourcing our happiness and unhappiness on to people and circumstances. Stop attributing our happiness to what’s going on external. No more blaming others for our unhappiness.
  2. Cultivate a source of peace and a source of happiness coming from within our own minds (and hearts). Commit to memory: “Happiness and unhappiness are states of mind & therefore their real causes can not be found outside the mind. So if we have a peaceful state of mind we’ll be happy regardless of people and circumstances.

It’s not what’s happening that’s making us happy or unhappy. It’s how we respond that determines our state of mind.

Meditation:

A mental action of concentrating on a peaceful and positive state of mind. Informal meditation

Nutrition:

I ate terribly on Saturday night – I had Chinese Buffet AND Jack in the Box (a burger meal [burger, fries, and two tacos], a french toast meal [3 french toast and 4 bacon pieces], and I had a chocolate fudge brownie). Ever since that day, I’ve been feeling not the greatest… Although, I ate that much because of habitual social triggers. I wonder, had I not used that as an excuse, would I be better off today? I’m going to test that.. the next time these triggers get pulled (social interactions), I’m not going to act on them and see if I maintain my levels of ‘feeling good’ the days after.

 

Thoughts

Where do thoughts come from? Where do feelings come from? The good, the bad, and the ego? Thoughts affect the ego. I think, I’m falling behind compared to others.. but where is the thought where I actually compare myself to others come from? Is it fear? Fear that I’m not as good as others? But then where does that fearful thought come from. My life has been made up of thoughts, upon thoughts, upon thoughts. What I’ve been working towards lately is moving away from this.. to not be swept away by ‘good’ feelings and not be depressed by bad feelings.

Anyways.. I needed that reminder today. I feel as if my mind is playing dominos on me, thinking thoughts that don’t serve me. My insecurities getting in the way of me feeling good and worthwhile – which is silly because insecurities derive from faulty thoughts.. and faulty thoughts are thoughts… and thoughts are not facts…

I think I’m just sleepy, I haven’t slept too much over the weekend. Tonight is straight to bed after BJJ though.

Tootaloo.

Moods

Something I know about myself is that my mood sometimes is adjusted by how I feel others think about me. Like today… I feel I reached out to my old boss but it went no where, wanted to get lunch with him and them, but because he didn’t offer it, I felt almost rejected. Which when typing it out, sounds oh so misconstrued! I am quite passive with these things, passive because I don’t directly ask people to lunch..and I’m afraid of them saying no… no for what? For lunch? For them thinking about my motives? I tend to be a collector of good graces, like I want others to reach out to me.. it gives me confidence, it allows me to be me.. but when I’m reaching out, I start getting into my head, like am I enough. Oh to be human…

Also, with my one co-worker, like I’m over the top with him… I put money where there is no bank even. I don’t want to be this way. I want to be…unmoveable. Like, the way others are has nothing to do with me, but has everything to do with their day…perhaps they’re super busy, perhaps they’re pissed about something, there are plethora of reasons why and I choose to believe it’s because of me… I’m going to stop taking things personal.

It has no rhyme or reason. Because I think this way, it makes me believe that I have control over how they feel with the way I conversate.. Like there’s right and wrong things to say, when really… I have no control over what others say or do or think, which makes what I say or do or think towards them obsolete.

My mood is affected by things that don’t exist. That’s why meditation and mindfulness can bring inner peace… you’re only mindful and aware of what’s in the present, instead of what you’re making up in your head. 

So… how do I work on this? I’ll be mindful of my tendency and try to take myself back to the present moment, back to what I see, touch, smell.

Anyways. I’m sitting on my back patio with only shorts and a tank on. It’s super hot! I’m trying to get work done but as you can see, I’m just writing here… anyways.. off I go, back to work. Wish me luck on my endeavor of it’s not me… it’s themism.

Vegas Diaries

Vegas was absolutely….over the top.

The bosses went above and beyond for us. Put us in the Wynn hotel, rented a suite at the Palms for Friday night mingling, rented party buses, rented spots at the pool, paid for us to go to shows…it was immaculate and oh so tempting to get attached to. I will dearly miss the treatment when it’s all said and done but I hope to be in an even better place work and life wise when that does happen!

Ok… so to talk about the trip. Of course, I’ll talk about the guys… I won’t name names… but guy 1 (whom I did have a fling with on the last trip) took me aside Friday night to tell me I was looking great (since last time) and wanted to know if I wanted to continue what he started last time. Long story short I told him no… Funny story here… I believe he got complaints from two other coworkers for harassment… he was saying inappropriate things to them and we saw him going back to his hotel room with a pretty busy woman… I dodged a bullet there.

Guy 2 — he is a jolly cute kid, which I don’t think he would like that I described him as such… but we talked and it got deep mainly on his end. I have pretty intense conversations with guys who are sensitive. But Saturday night at the club we were talking and I don’t know how this came up but he said I was hot and I think I said he was cute… we hung out the rest of the night. He tapped out around 5am or so…I told him I didn’t want him to leave and he invited me to his room to cuddle..and I turned him down…

Guy 3 — this one was out of the blue…he is in a management position. I’ve always had an attraction towards him but know that he is in a long term relationship. He pulled me aside Saturday night, but I told him we should sit and talk with the others but he declined. He then said he wanted to take me to dinner and I said, we all had dinner yesterday (with the company). I was playing dumb because I would not think he would mean just us two. Well, he then said, “no, I want to take you to dinner with just us two”. He was completely and wildly drunk when he said this. Then he said I was beautiful, gorgeous, blah blah. I said that’s strange because he has a girlfriend. And we got onto that topic. He said he brought her to the first outing but not the following because, from what I gathered, she was inhibiting him from socializing… I think she was inhibiting him from being a player… that’s why. It was flattering at first but now that I’m writing about it, that’s dirty. Keep your ding in your pants if you have a woman. I would not want to be on the receiving end of that, if I were her, I’d be heartbroken knowing he did this. But he was crazy drunk..and I do things when I’m drunk too. Alas, a good friend (coworker) came and pulled him away so that’s good. I don’t’ remember who it was though.

Guy 4 — ok.. I messed around with him, so I’ll say that first and foremost. Not all the way and I was completely clothed. The day after, I felt really slutty but I came to the conclusion of this is my life, this is my body, I am single, I’m not actually having sex with these guys, I’m flirty and sexual but, again, not doing anything. Even if I did have sex with them, it’s my prerogative as long as I’m safe about it. The thing is, if I did, I would be a mess emotionally and that’s why I don’t. Anyways… he came out of the blue too. Didn’t know he was attracted to me until he focused a lot of his attention on me when the group dwindled down to a few of us. Long story short, we talked for a bit, cuddled, kissed, I did things to him, he tried to to me but I turned him down. I don’t know where I stand on this one….I did tell him what happened with me and Guy 1 on the first trip.

So..as you can see, I talked to a few guys and got serious with one. I don’t intend to mess around anymore with anyone new because that would be just too much for me. I’m not disappointed in who I ended up with at all and am excited to see him again. Except… I don’t know. Next time I’m going to be even more honest with him. I don’t undress or get really really intimate because I am still insecure about my body. I’m insecure about my breasts that I think hang too low. I’m insecure about my arms. I know a lot of it is in my head but it’s attached to my emotions so that’s why I don’t let them cross the line. Also – I’m insecure about their intentions. I’ve gotten into shape and that’s what’s making them attracted to me, but, I haven’t heard too much about their attraction to my mind.. I think that’s what I’m looking for. The body will grow old and wrinkle, but the mind lasts for a lot longer and I need that attraction to the mind. But then, am I truly attracted to any of their minds?

Hmm.. Everything I fear about what they’ll do to me is what I actually do to them. I’m not innocent. I can’t say that I’m attracted to any one’s mind’s really…I don’t’ know them enough. So how can I expect the same from them to me? Is the body the gate to the mind or the mind the gate to the body?

Who knows..

 

Sickly Decisions

I’m feeling under the weather. I wonder if it has anything to do with the overly ripe strawberries I ate without washing… it can’t be the vitamins I’ve been taking! No way.. I refuse to believe it…

I’m done with work and am at a stand still. I feel like I need to take the dogs to the park to let out energy, I want to get new nail polish color to do my nails for the trip, I need to buy my grandlittle a birthday gift, and I need to bath Cheeto…

Which shall I do? Perhaps I’ll get nail polish + a little gift at the nail supply store & bath Cheeto. Chester has obedience tonight so his energy can be expensed then…

So perhaps now I’ll bath Cheeto, then make my way to the nail supply store… Or should I not buy nail polish since that’s an extra expense I don’t need to make? Perhaps I’ll make a quick stop after obedience training at target and purchase a little gift…

So… final decision… I’ll bath Cheeto, go to obedience, stop by Target for a little gift, & redo my nails with old polish after obedience.

Decision made!

 

Work Niche So I Don’t Forget

I would like to request to be responsible for about 3 slots where I can continue to write for & release random ideas that come to mind. I could be of value for slots that are being constantly sent to MSF since what I’m writing isn’t cookie cutter. I will keep track of what’s working and what’s not, releasing what’s working to the content team and let them take it from there.