I listened to Oprah for a big last night – the main thing I got was to really listen to your intuition and listen to how you feel about things. The way she spoke about news reporting not being right for her is how I feel about all my work thus far not being ‘right’ for me. What I’m doing now — my god — how can I be anymore lucky? I work remotely, doing really non-stressful work. But, every morning I dread starting. I don’t think it’s because I’m spoiled — I think it’s because I know there’s something more satisfying that I can do that I can also make a living out of. I want to lead my own life. I’m doing doing so working for someone else. It’s not starting a business either. I want to write. I want to sell books. I want to daydream and talk about things I can act like I know. I want to feel butterflies, I want to feel so happy or sad that it leads me to tears — all from imagining up worlds and characters and their interactions. That’s what I want to do. And I’m going to do it. I don’t know if I will be able to make a living, but that’s what I want to do in my spare time. To get spare time, I have to time manage better. I have many forces that take up my time. I am also feeling so guilty about not visiting my parents more. But, selfishly, visiting my parents sometimes make me feel not great. My dad typically is negative, complaining about this or that. I don’t’ want to hear it. Blah — you don’t have to judge me because I’m already judging myself.
BJJ has been great. I’ve been getting better. I really enjoy rolling after class. Yesterday I ran 12 miles then went to class. I was DEAD afterwards. I didn’t do anything I was suppose to. I was suppose to go to Hana’s Mary Kay party and to go home. I didn’t do either. I feel guilty — but I don’t feel like i made the wrong decision. Guilty comes from imaginations of a future where your decisions today might bite you then… If I don’t live with guilt then I don’t live in fear of the future that becomes from the decisions I make today. I want to live guilt free.
Ok. Back to work — I must make something of myself. This lucrative job which some of us abuse isn’t going to last — I know it. People are getting let go left and right from different jobs and I’m here complaining about mine. That’s why, I must time manage better and invest in a future in which I am leading it.