Binge Eating And Me

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The binge eating self lives a life of shame. She sneaks around in the night picking up morsels of meats and carbs she thinks no one will notice or miss. Her hands are sticky and smelly with foods she devoured within seconds – hot or cold – it didn’t matter. The binge eating self, like the energizer bunny, kept going and going until she could go no more. She lays in bed lazily, looking at articles in hopes it’ll provide answers to this complex question of — how do I stop? The binge eating self isn’t happy, she wants to die from time to time. Don’t fear, though, it’s more of a dramatic thought than a truthfully wanted action. The binge eating self is single and will always be single. “Who will want to be with me?” She often asks herself. She wouldn’t want to be with anyone who does what she does.

Me — I am vibrant. I am active and I am smart. I am capable of things I sometimes think I am not capable of. I eat well, I eat whole foods, I actually care about my body. I succeed in work, I am confident and outspoken. I trust my instincts and my creativity. I run, I participate in Jiu Jitsu. I have healthy relationships with my family and friends. I am dating. I am content all around.

For some reason, the binge eating self likes to steal the show even though she is often voiceless. She likes to steal the show even though she is messy and dirty. Perhaps I like her because she is basic, she just doesn’t care about having to put effort into things. Less expectations that way I suppose. I am ready to see her leave, though.

Binge eating.

You’ve been with me since I can remember, often, you were my only true friend capable of making me feel better. Today I am 27 and I no longer need you. I hate to kick you out, but…I’m kicking you out. With you, I cannot survive. I cannot survive as long as you are in my life, you are sucking the life out of my vibrant soul. I thank you for your service, but today, I am doing what I need to to welcome you out of my doors. There’s so much I want to be and I can’t be that person as long as you are standing in my doorway, seducing me to take a left instead of a right. I no longer will listen to you. If I keep listening to you then I believe in you when you tell me I am not strong enough without you. You say I’m not strong enough to face adversary or conflict. You say I can’t live without the happiness that you bring me. My god you are wrong. I can live much louder and happier without your voice in my head. At first, it will be so hard. It will be like breaking up with Billy all over again — in fact — it will be much harder than that. At first. But through time, I will forget I ever knew you and I will forget the joy that you use to bring to me.

I will sit on the patio of my fresh apartment with my two dogs hanging around. I will sip on hot coffee and some oatmeal. Then I will walk over to City Market to check out the place. That is the me that will end up on top at the end of this battle. It’s not even a battle…I’m simply walking away. You are the mic and I’m dropping you.

Goodbye the binge eating self.

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