Michael asks me “what’s the issue” when we rolled last week. One hand held my sleeve, one foot rested on my shin, a look of intense focus on his face. My first thought was he meant “why aren’t you moving, what’s the issue”? What he truly meant was, “think about it, what is the issue that is holding you up right now? Address that issue”.
“What’s the issue”?
- I hate that my work in the content department isn’t up to par with the standards that are currently set
- I hate that my dad takes my emotional life as a joke
- I hate that I binge eat
- I hate that I feel incompetent with work and get pinged for errors
- I hate that I’m hungry right now
- I hate that I have zero motivation to work
- I hate that I am being the person I often criticize — seeing my life right now as glass half empty…
“Address the issue”
- STOP GIVING A FUCK
In BJJ, the way I addressed the issue with Michael was to slow down and think about my escape. Used my hands and feet to get out. Once I did, another issue came about. I had to keep acting and reacting to get out.
All these bullet points are Michael’s move to stop me or to submit me. The way I react is to keep going and not to just fall flat.
I am frustrated today. I feel my hands and feet are tied by those bullet points. I want to lay flat on my back and give up. But I can’t. I can’t because then I may lose my job, then I may have to move back home with my parents, then I’d have to do things I really don’t want to do.
I went through college, I got my degree, I have a good job, and I am creative. Those are my techniques if compared to BJJ. I have a dream of competing just like my dream of writing for a living, but I have to put in the hard work. I can’t just cry and wish things to be different. I have to MAKE things be different.
Ok… that’s my rant for today. My ego and fear of my future will be set aside now. I’m going to work and do my best then invest in creative writing.