Fluoxetine & Other medication:
This is a generic drug for Prozac. My practitioner prescribed me this after I paid her a visit for hormonal check. She diagnosed me with PMDD and knowing that I binge ate too she quickly said this medication will help. I am the skeptical type but I didn’t want to suffer anymore so I began the medication. Day one was horrific. I was having thoughts of suicide even – I didn’t act on it, obviously, but I just felt so miserable that I felt nothing was worth it. I was moody to my parents when I was over in the morning. Eventually, my mom called and I told her what I was feeling and cried. She came over with herbal medicine and we talked about meditation. She said in order for me to be cured of binge eating (in which I tried explaining to her in Vietnamese) I must meditate.
Today is day 3 on Fluoxetine, day 2 of meditation, day 3 of the herbal medication, and I’ve also picked back up multi-vitamin for my B12 deficiency. Eventually, I will only be taking Fluoxetine 2 weeks out of the month and my multi-vitamin everyday.
Today I feel pretty good. I can definitely tell a difference being on Fluoxetine. It almost feels like a blanket has been placed over my PMDD symptoms. Like I’m a bit numb to feeling down about it. I don’t like that I feel ‘fake’ happy, but I do like that I’m still up and feeling good rather than depressed and anti-everything.
These past two days, I’ve meditated for 15 minutes at about 7:45am. I sit next to my bed, put earplugs in, & uncover the blinds. I find it hard to not think about random things and to be patient with the 15 minutes but I have been mind blown by just how many random thoughts pop into my head. It’s interesting to listen to the thoughts and letting it pass by. In the past, I use to put so much weight onto these random, excessive, thoughts. But with looking into mindfulness practice, I’m learning to observe them then let them go as if they were clouds passing by the sky. One important lesson I’ve learned is that you cannot control your thoughts. They typically just POP into your head without you willing it to. Instead of trying to control yourself by willing yourself not to think of these things, you should instead allow yourself to think it, but then allow yourself to not put weight onto it and let the thoughts float by. Another analogy is to imagine you are standing near a train track watching the train fly by. Your thoughts are like the train flying by. You can choose to hop on, hop off, or just let it fly by. The choice is yours. You can’t control the trains coming and going. But you can control what you do.
Throughout the day, I have so many intrusive thoughts. Normally I obsess over how I am with my roommates & other friends, how I come off at work, mainly, my obsession is over social interaction. I am beginning to practice letting intrusive thoughts go AND not believing in them either. Just because I think it, does not make it true. Something I think about a lot that doesn’t serve me is in romantic thoughts. I often have crushes on people, then think “oh he would probably not want someone like me — anxious and disorderly eats. He’d probably want someone confident, worldly, young, etc.”. Now, I am going to practice observing those thoughts, not believing them or putting weight on them, and simply letting them float by.
I’ve disorderly ate for 4 days in a row. I am scared that I will gain all my weight back but I’m also optimistic about the actions I’m taking to help my mental well being. I think that meditation and being mindful of urges & thoughts will cure me of this behavior. I’m at a point where hitting my goal weight isn’t a goal anymore. Now, a goal is to live a ‘normal’ life where disorderly eating doesn’t disrupt my life. Something worth observing is: even when I think I’m doing good and I try to shrug off anxious thoughts, it finds its way into my actions eventually. Monday I’m good, I’m not letting something negative get me down, by Friday I’ve binged for 3 days straight. How do I stop this? I cannot stop thoughts, but I can change my response to them.
I think right now, I will continue to practice meditation and mindfulness. Observing feelings, urges, & thoughts, then simply letting them float by. There’s more to learn, but for now, these are my next steps. Sadly, I even started questioning my desire for BJJ. I get very socially anxious practicing this, and I question my motive (again). I am good at it and I enjoy it. I enjoy the methodical thinking it requires of you. That’s enough to keep going. I think BJJ is an absolute that, no matter what insecurity I have, I will continue to practice it. It will be a constant.