2 Steps Forward

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I watched a meditation video with my mom Sunday, reluctantly. I felt my stomach churn and turn, I think it was engrained reactions from back in the day, when she use to make me do things I didn’t want to do such as go to Temple. Still I sat and watched and challenged myself to fight those flight feelings.

Something that stuck out was this woman that said, you can’t target illnesses. When you fix one thing, you fix it all. Now I don’t think it’s that simple, but the main point she was making was that it’s all connected. It resonated with me. These are the issues I have:

  • Rumination to depression
  • Social Anxiety
  • Binge eating

These are all, I believe, connected. The driving force is Social Anxiety. Alot of my torment comes from the feeling like I can’t connect with people, and so much lately, I feel my true self being muted due to fear of social rejection. I can’t be honest with people afraid they won’t like my opinion. The more I do this, the more mute I become, the more I want to blow up but am unable to. I find release in sport, but that can only do so much because when I return back to regular life, I’m constricted again.

Social anxiety is something I danced around but never truly thought I had since I can be extroverted. I’m realizing, though, that because it takes so much effort to be that, and I’m becoming more withdrawn, I’m truly not extroverted. Starting today, I’m targeting this major issue through reading things only and listening to podcasts. I’m going to work on my social anxiety.

Things I’m doing:

  • Actively addressing social anxiety and getting rid of it
  • Meditating twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. The evening will address my urges to binge
  • Mindfulness – observing my thoughts as they come without judgement, I’ll let them pass and refocus my attention on my breathing

Yesterday I didn’t want to go to BJJ. I ended up staying pretty late rolling. I woke up with aches and pains — which I love, but I’m wondering if they’re not good aches and pains.. hmm. Yesterday was also a binge free day. I meditated in the evening for the first time, I think that helped. I think what helped was that no one was in the living room either. That would be the next challenge. Meditate, then sit through watching television without acting on my urges to binge. Being mindful and present to deter avoidance.

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