Something I know about myself is that my mood sometimes is adjusted by how I feel others think about me. Like today… I feel I reached out to my old boss but it went no where, wanted to get lunch with him and them, but because he didn’t offer it, I felt almost rejected. Which when typing it out, sounds oh so misconstrued! I am quite passive with these things, passive because I don’t directly ask people to lunch..and I’m afraid of them saying no… no for what? For lunch? For them thinking about my motives? I tend to be a collector of good graces, like I want others to reach out to me.. it gives me confidence, it allows me to be me.. but when I’m reaching out, I start getting into my head, like am I enough. Oh to be human…

Also, with my one co-worker, like I’m over the top with him… I put money where there is no bank even. I don’t want to be this way. I want to be…unmoveable. Like, the way others are has nothing to do with me, but has everything to do with their day…perhaps they’re super busy, perhaps they’re pissed about something, there are plethora of reasons why and I choose to believe it’s because of me… I’m going to stop taking things personal.

It has no rhyme or reason. Because I think this way, it makes me believe that I have control over how they feel with the way I conversate.. Like there’s right and wrong things to say, when really… I have no control over what others say or do or think, which makes what I say or do or think towards them obsolete.

My mood is affected by things that don’t exist. That’s why meditation and mindfulness can bring inner peace… you’re only mindful and aware of what’s in the present, instead of what you’re making up in your head. 

So… how do I work on this? I’ll be mindful of my tendency and try to take myself back to the present moment, back to what I see, touch, smell.

Anyways. I’m sitting on my back patio with only shorts and a tank on. It’s super hot! I’m trying to get work done but as you can see, I’m just writing here… anyways.. off I go, back to work. Wish me luck on my endeavor of it’s not me… it’s themism.


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