Alright. Last night, I binged. I surely did. I was happy with my abs coming through the entire day yesterday and then, BOOM, the night came and I found myself in the kitchen. Like a racoon, I was scavenging for food. I ate everything from 2 chicken sausages with squash spaghetti, half a stack of crackers with sour cream and salsa, a chicken drumstick, 2 cups of ice cream, and almost 5 tablespoons (blocks of butter measurement) of cheese (maybe even more!)
This morning I feel the same old feeling I’ve felt after a night of binging, as I have for the last umteen years…
Why did I binge? Is it worth asking that? Eckhart mentioned a saying… when an arrow is shot and hits you, you first don’t question why the arrow was shot, you first try to remove the arrow. That was applied to a question that was “where do thoughts come from?”. But in the context of binging, is it worth asking why I binge? Do I have to seek the why to stop the action? Say a child is crying after school and you kneel down to console her. You will ask why she is crying and then you will dispel whatever happened with a better outlook to make her feel better… so with this example, it’s like figuring out the list of why’s so you can talk yourself out of each point that encourages a binge. But, you know what would be even more badass… if that child wasn’t crying in the first place… if that child wasn’t affected by whatever happened on the outside world and she carried on as is… if that arrow shot and missed her… I think that’s what I aspire to be. I don’t want to dig my brain for a endless list of why’s to the question of “why do I binge?”.
Meditation so far has been so difficult but it has made me realize how overactive my brain is in terms of thinking. It also has allowed me to find a bit of peace in the moment, I can breath through anxious feelings in my belly that arise when certain thoughts take over. This peace and little bubble of happiness in my belly is what I am investing in to enable me to be this badass child – to not feel down because of external happenings.
Last night, I binged, though. I don’t feel stressed about it because I feel I am working towards understanding my body better. Who knows, I was hungry but lacked a bit of self control. That’s simply what I’ll work on today. If I’m hungry, I will eat and control myself from eating the junk I did like last night. With that being said, I truly want to heal my relationship with food. Sometimes I look at food as if it’s the enemy. Food brings me fear… I look at junk food and a little fear is triggered in me. I look at healthy food and a little resentment arises. How do I heal this relationship with food? Healing this relationship though, might sidetrack from being that badass child I want to be – but it might be necessary to be that girl by being opposite her for the time being.
I would think I would have to heal my relationship with my body image and appearance in order to heal my relationship with food. What does that take? Healing isn’t saying nothing is wrong and that what I’m insecure about is from thin air. There are certain expectations and an ideal look that I think is beautiful, what society thinks is beautiful, and that is the standard that I’ve set for myself. So, since I don’t feel I meet that standard, then I think something is wrong. Thinking something is wrong leads to body dissatisfaction. I want the hot body because I want the attention, and I want the youth and energy that comes with it. Nothing is wrong with wanting that, but the issue is that I think I’ll be unhappy without it.
So there… without going into a tangent… I will accept imperfection little by little everyday. Accepting imperfection… I think this will be a very powerful move in my life. I’ve lived in fear of not becoming someone. I always wanted to be something great and felt less than when it didn’t seem I would be that person. That in itself is an expectation that, without it, caused me great unhappiness. Yesterday, though, I had moments where I felt I’m okay without being that someone. That I don’t have to be, really, anyone special. I’m just another human being, and that’s okay. Some people are wired to be more seen, and more heard. I don’t have to be this great daughter, this great friend, great co-worker that strives to greatness. I’m great in my own way. I am great in that I can write all this out, I’m truly happy about that. I’m great in that I can strum a few chords and sing to it, I’m great in that I can run long distances. I am great in my own way. I have imperfections but, truly, every single breathing and non-breathing thing has imperfections.
This… this release is bringing tears to my eyes. I am great in my own way. It’s different from the greatness we see others are known for, but it is still great. Everyone has this greatness in them, this hidden greatness. There’s even greatness from the realization of the greatness within all of our imperfect greatness…what a mind twister. It doesn’t mean I’m going to stop working towards being this badass child, it’s opposite of that.
So.. food.. I deeply love you, do you love me as well? I’ll give you time to figure that out. Breasts… I also love you for your imperfections… do you love me as well? Stretchmarks, thighs, to my average eyes… I love you all… do you love me as well?
I’ve always craved to be me… but felt lost because I didn’t know who me was. All along, the me has been here. I’ve just been too embarrassed, in denial, and a little bit of a sheep to let me break through the current front that is me. I’ve been told growing up that ‘me’ wasn’t good enough and that I should fix this, do that, act this way, don’t act that way…but now, I’m on my own. I don’t have those voices in my ear every single day anymore. Well, I did, it had become my own voice.. but I’m realizing, that is not my voice that I’m hearing. It’s voices of others, it’s their aspiration of perfection shoved onto me to fulfil… I’m not signing up for that anymore.
Vien, I truly love you. Be that messy, sometimes mindless girl that you are. Have no shame.. cross your legs however you want, spill out of jeans and shirts if that’s what your body does, say blunt things, act boyish, be loud, dance, sing, and play! Let your mind run free, you owe it to yourself to let you shine through now. No more hiding behind the curtains because your form doesn’t match the silhouette. Be you, great in subtle ways. You don’t have to make a splash to live happily, nor do you have to leave a mark.
Anyways… back to work I go.