I Got it From My Daddy

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My parents are divorcing – is what my mom last said. I am not sure if they will follow through. It’s something my mom wants, but not my dad. In my heart, I knew they should have separated a decade ago, but I guess the timing wasn’t right. Now, the black dye has fallen into the water and there’s no way (at least I don’t think) they’re going to remove the changing color.

My dad is talking to other women. My mom saw on Facebook messenger. He didn’t try very hard to conceal it so, in a way, I think he subconsciously wanted it to be known. I went home Friday to talk to my mom. She seemed fine. A bit hurt, but she’s always wanted to be untangled from children and a husband so now it’s her chance to be free.

It made me realize, I’m very much like my dad. I’m not a hoe, I just can’t seem to settle. I want to settle, I want consistency and love, trust and partnership. But seeing the type of relationship my parents were in encouraged me to refrain from settling and living in unhappiness. As an optimist, seeing their unhappiness made me imagine a perfect kind of love, which I think hurts me in the end for I am seeking something that might not exist — perfection. I’m prepared to work if he is prepared to work, I’m prepared to open up if he’s prepared to open up, I’m prepared to ‘become one’ if he’s prepared to as well. My parents have accomplished so much together, imagine if they actually had this type of partnership, I wonder what greatness they could have done with that. Now, though, my mom is wanting to sell off all the houses they’ve bought. Build it up to tear it down, love is the foundation.

Anyways, the point being… this realization made me feel not terrible and not so desperate about finding a boyfriend. I don’t know if I want a boyfriend, I like talking around. I like focusing on my fitness goals, and I like doing what I want to do and not thinking about what my boyfriend wants to do, or if he’s happy with what we’re doing, or wondering where he’s at and such. And also, this makes me realize that I do have the type of personality that falls in infatuation quickly. The bad news is my heads will be in the clouds for this person, the good news is I’ll be over it in a week… which brings me to the next point…

I am infatuated with this person at my martial arts gym. I can’t help but laugh every time we grapple. It’s the type of laugh I get that starts in my heart and belly, there’s no explanation for it. No jokes were made, I just feel happy and humorous. I use to feel this way towards one of my brother’s friend way back in childhood. But, bad news for the current crush is he is in a relationship. I started thinking about him yesterday and a lot last night. I did some other things that I rather not put on here. But, to my previous point, I’ll be over this one in a week. But, in the moment, it did help lead to a binge, I think. And I just didn’t want to sleep while in bed last night.

During the binge, I was not unhappy or lonely, or sad, or anything. I just wanted to binge… It felt great, but this morning it sucks. It’s such a challenge. I’m so close to hitting my goal (I think) but this one challenge holds my arms back from achieving what I want. I’m not giving up though. One thing I’ve gotten better at is not eating when watching TV with my roomies. Meditating has trained my mind to focus better, watch t.v. better, in turn it keeps me from thinking about binging. So great news is one single item to tackle now, is late night binging. The, getting up from bed to binge, cycle. I can do it.. I’m progressing so slowly but the fact that I don’t anymore while watching T.V. is huge.

I get so much from my daddy. We both turn to food for comfort, we are both sexual (I know that sounds terrible but I’ve seen stuff on his iPad and I’m like…yeah we’re the same), we both talk around, and we both are a bit introverted. I’m like my mom in that once I want something, I’m going to follow through to get it. Binging is the longest follow through EVER. I don’t want to binge anymore, I will get there, but it takes A LONG TIME. I’m not giving up on that. We both know we don’t have to live in unhappiness. We both are a bit extroverted.

My mood though, isn’t being helped by how gloomy it’s been for the last week! I’v been working from my kitchen and it just is so dreary outside… Anyways.. my plan is to meditate at the table since I failed to this morning. 20 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes in the evening. Namaste y’all.

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