Yesterday we all went out (except for Lola) because Z-Shan was in town. We stayed out until 3am. I drank no more than a glass of wine and a sip of a shot. The night went south when we ate Gyros at about 2am. I contemplated on whether or not I should get one but my appetite told me to.
Once we go home, I caved into cookies. Then when everyone went to bed, I caved into more cookies, chips and salsa, a biscuit & drenched in butter, about 5 or 6 mcnuggets, and meat gravy. When I was binging, I told myself it was so that I could get better sleep.
No, it was an excuse my mindless mind told me so that I would continue to eat the addicting food.
My will power is not weak… or should I say, my ability to turn my life around is quite strong. I effortless stopped smoking pot because it caused me anxiety, I effortlessly stopped drinking caffeine because it felt unnatural, I effortless eat quite healthy during the day, I effortlessly run and keep active. I do all these good things effortlessly, but when it comes to food, it’s a challenge.
Unlike anything else, food isn’t a black or white thing. I need it to live.
If I take a step back from feeling the guilt of binging, I can see the progress that I have made in this journey towards breaking the shackle. One link was broken when I stopped binging during the day, another stopped when I stopped binging during t.v. time with my roommates, another broke when I stopped binging for days on end after I broke the seal on a day. The current link that remains is the link that ties me to the craving during night time.
Recently, meditation has made me realize the random and uncontrollable thoughts that pop up in my head, and the randomness of it made me realize that these thoughts mean nothing and I am able to let them go. Food craving thoughts, though, are tied to an actual feeling – hunger. This hunger acts as evidence to me that I need to act on this thought rather than letting it go.
What I did not do last night at 3 am, was ground myself in the moment. I kept thinking about food but I didn’t yank those thoughts back into my breath and back into the moment. I didn’t let those thoughts go like I do with other thoughts. I kept it there, I let it brew and I let it blossom until it took over.
Plan of action:
- Continue mindfulness. During last night’s episode I was kind of mindful but the excuse of better sleep kept me going
- I am excited for the next challenge where I will ground myself and build the muscle of yanking my thoughts back into my breath from the thoughts of cravings
- Connect my post binge self, (disappointment, the fullness) with the self that contemplates before the binge starts. It’s the same self…what feels good then will hurt the same self later
- Abide by rules. Because food is a necessity, I must create boundaries for myself and accept that I can’t have the luxury of caving in like other do (eating at 2am and simply stopping at that one food). Last night, in front of the food truck, my rule would have said absolutely not because I know it will lead to a binge.
Breaking the shackles of binging is not as easy as other life changes I have made, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I have made great leaps in my life with this pursuit already, and I feel I am at my last few links. What I am going to ingrain into myself is the rule of mindfulness eating, the realization that I’m different from other people in that I binge and because of that, my actions must be different from them in regards to food – and I must realize that that’s ok. Just because others are eating, it does not mean that I have to. I am not a party pooper for not eating, or not drinking. I am still me. I must realize that the hunger feeling is ok to have. And I am aware of when and why it strikes (hunger at night). It’s okay to feel hunger and just because thoughts of cravings (just like other random thoughts I let go) are paired with uncomfortable feelings in my gut, it doesn’t mean I have no control over my next moves.
I am going to go on a run now, it’s beautiful outside. Chester is officially my running buddy now. Vien, Fighting!