What Went Well Yesterday:
- I didn’t eat past 6pm
- I made a delicious dinner that was chicken adobo pan cooked, kim chi, raw cucumber with sprinkles of sesame seeds, and raw yellow bell peppers with a little bit of botan rice
- First attempt at making paleo pancakes was a success – although burnt, it tasted good
- I took a nap instead of eating more food
- I went to jiu jitsu an hour past the start of fundamental class, even though I had planned to skip from boredom and restlessness
- I met with Erin for lunch at Panera and ate outside
What I’ll Work on Today:
- Go to bed with a question for my subconscious – I keep forgetting to do this
- Continue to be present and mindful during meals and snacks, limit multitasking while eating except for when socializing
- Check in with myself throughout the day for mindfulness
- While eating, realize that the me that is now, is also the me that craves for a binge during the evening
- During jiu jitsu, I will think of images of food to so that I can associate jiu jitsu with the high of binging
Reiterations of Past Action Items:
- I am excited for the next challenge where I will ground myself and build the muscle of yanking my thoughts back into my breath from the thoughts of cravings
- Connect my post binge self, (disappointment, the fullness) with the self that contemplates before the binge starts. It’s the same self…what feels good then will hurt the same self later
Choosing Jiu Jitsu Over Binging
Yesterday was a little milestone day. The more days that past, the more I am able to not identify with the usual sense of loneliness, hopelessness, and ‘is this all there is to me’ thinking. I slipped into the third thought yesterday, a bit hopeless about my relationship with food. Despite that, I still ate a well portioned meal including foods that I said were off limits (white rice). I took a nap afterwards on the couch, then moved to my bed. I was drowning in self defeating thoughts while listening to Jake and Karen laugh and play. After they left, I continued to lay. My body was numb from inactivity but my brain was buzzing too much that I felt uncomfortable. It was 7:30pm when I decided to get up and go to Jiu Jitsu. I didn’t want to go to the gym because gyming is sometimes a lonely sport. I decided on Jiu Jitsu because of the community, the physical touches, and the challenge of focus that it presents.
That was the first time I successfully chose something over binging. Vien a few months ago would have skipped out on class and just binged, awaiting for a new day to ‘start fresh’.
I started Coffee Meets Bagel per Erin’s suggestion. I’ve gotten quite a few connections that surprised me. It boosts my confidence a bit. I have a date tomorrow with someone named Ben.
This gets me on the topic of too many choices vs. the right choice. I’m getting to a point where I think more people are attracted to me which means I might have more choices (assuming these people aren’t just wanting to hit it and quit it [which who knows, they might…but I might want to too…]). How does one decide on their forever partner? I use to react to anyone who liked me that I had a little bit of interest in. I am easy to talk to and I think that’s why it’s hard for me to separate a good conversation from a conversation of connection.
I think that’s what I want. I don’t want to be talked to, or talked at, I want to be talked with. I want the other person to understand how I think because they think similarly. I tend to listen more than I speak and that’s what gets me into relationships where I am not truly connected. I want the other person to get my jokes, and vise versa. I want the other person to be genuine and to be free (or working towards) of ego thinking. I want the other person to not fight me on the lifestyle that I choose to live and instead live it with me. I want a partner in life… a true partner.
Will I ever meet this person? I’m not sure… the feeling that I seek seems so special that meeting someone who meets this criteria seems… like winning a lottery ticket.