What Went Well Yesterday:
- I sat with boredom without binging
- I played guitar and made music
- I went to Jiu Jitsu
- Although I binged, I drank a lot of water and didn’t eat as much as I could have eaten
What I’ll Work on Today:
- Be mindful throughout the day
- Be mindful when the urge hits
- Be mindful when I feel negative thoughts seep in
- Talk to people and hangout with friends
- Meditate through binging urges
- Observe all thoughts as they come in, then let them go (I’ve forgotten to do this lately)
Last night I binged. I felt the moment when my binge urges held on to negative talks. It was an eye opening experience. When there is no negative feelings, the binge urge has nothing to hang on to. It’s like taking a vitamin without any food, it has nothing to latch on to to make its affect. The negative feelings, though, must be caught after it pops up. It must be observed, then let go of. Without that observation and release, the negative thoughts rolls downhill, collecting other negative thoughts and making the ball of negativity even bigger until you forget to be mindful.
Although I binged, I feel I am still making my way towards breaking the cycle. Success isn’t linear, it has ups and downs, but it is going towards an upward direction.
If I were to examine yesterday’s happenings and what may have happened that led to the binge, I’ll expose:
- Work: I felt uneasy throughout the day due to the fact that I didn’t put any hours into work
- Although it was easy not to because management isn’t micro, I still feel the pressure of not using my time wisely and it biting me later on
- BJJ: I got too caught up on the social aspect of the game. I took offense to something someone said or behaved and internalized it
If I were to repeat yesterday with what I plan to moving forward, I would have:
- Work: Done my work despite no micro-management. There is a reason I felt uneasy. I would have done the work I laid out to do to avoid later feelings of uneasiness
- When I apply myself – I often feel very good. It’s like practicing something you don’t have patience for, or doing something that requires mental exercise. It’s not fun to get started, but it’s fun amidst it. It’s more fun to challenge yourself than to do nothing at all.
- Challenging yourself creates an accomplished feeling based off of effort, being stagnant creates an inadequate feeling even though you are adequate.
- BJJ: I would have observed my thoughts that I had in response to external cues, without judging myself or identifying with what the thoughts were saying about me, then I would have let it go. Mindfully, I would have worked my way back into the task at hand.
In the rolling ball example from above, the first negative ball was formed when I felt uneasy about work. This led to mindlessness during BJJ which hindered me from being aware of my thoughts and feelings, and being aware to let these thoughts and feelings go. At this point, the ball was too big and the binge urge seeped its way into the ball. The ball needed to be broken with a binge.
What I learned:
- Mindfulness throughout the whole day will help with mindfulness during moments where negative thoughts arise
- Mindfulness is my protection
Meditation has taught me thoughts pop up randomly. All of positive, negative, and thoughts that make no sense at all. Binging likes to latch on to the negative thoughts and make it seem the most real, causing me to seek relief. Mindfulness will teach me that even those negative thoughts, that seem so real, are just uncontrollable thoughts. They’re just as useless.
- Why are negative thoughts the most believable and persuasive?
- All thoughts – positive and negative are not facts
- Perhaps I shouldn’t seek why these thoughts are believable. Just as all thoughts are so random and sometimes senseless, negative thoughts are the same. What I should instead explore, is the strength to not believe them. And there is where the art of ‘observing & letting go’ comes into play
- Why do you crave sugar after working out?
- I need to look more into this, but from what I’m reading, post workout cravings happen because your body needs to replenish itself through carbs. Sugars are the quickest at this replenishing. Yesterday, after BJJ I was craving sugar. What I should have done was make myself a smoothie and added honey to it and call it good.
- Practice mindfulness throughout the day
- Observe all thoughts, both negative and positive, without judgement, then let them go
- Be aware of cravings before and after workouts, give the body what it needs to work at the level you want it to work
- Be aware of the Binge Ball – the ball the binges on negative thoughts that without observation and release, will collect other negative thoughts, until a binge is needed to break it apart
Today is a brand new day. My actions yesterday teaches me of what I want my actions today to be. Toodaloo!