New BJJ Blog:
I started a BJJ blog here: www.girlonthegreenmat.com
I’ve been wanting to start a blog about something other than my deep personal life lately. I first thought of doing something around personal development through a site I called BloomingX but I had a problem with really focusing on a topic.
I landed on just writing a blog about my experiences with BJJ – how I got started and where I am now. I want to use this blog as a way for me to track myself throughout the journey, while helping others get started too and to share our experiences. I hope to create a good foundation of readers who will communicate with me through comments and such. It will be a great outlet for my writing and record keeping, as well as being seen and heard.
Binge Eating and BJJ:
Yesterday was a different day. Saturday night was the worst case of binging I’ve ever had in what has to be 4 years now. I binged, and purged for the first time in a decade probably, and binged again. Sunday, though, I am incredibly proud of the realizations I’ve made and what I did during the day.
BJJ came to my rescue. For the first time in my life, something pulled me out of bed post-binge night and out of my misery so that I can, instead, drown in mental focus and deliberate practice. In the past, I would just lay in bed and wait for the next day to come around. Keeping myself looped in the miserable cycle of self defeat.
Not yesterday… I slept until 11am, an hour past the start of BJJ. I drove myself to class and I lost myself for 2 hours. I laughed, I was close to tears thinking of the state I was in, I tried hard, I challenged myself, I continue to strengthen the connections I’ve made with the brothers that were there.
I am in love with this art.
I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I’ve done a lot of looking into nutrition. I’ve tried low carb high fats and I’ve tried intuitive eating. Both still drove me to binge eat. So I don’t think my eating lifestyle has a whole lot to do with my binging. It’s more so, boredom and also overthinking things that I’m insecure about.
Yesterday I looked into the idea of “what you resist, persists. What you embrace disappears”. I read this article. I feel I am resistant to who I really am, and that’s what sometimes lead to emotional binging. I resist the fact that I am alone on Saturday night, I resist the fact that I might not be super fit, I resist the fact that I’m not the greatest daughter, I resist a lot of things. I don’t want to resist it anymore. I want to embrace having time to myself – even if it’s a Saturday. It doesn’t happen all the time. I want to embrace who I am as a daughter, I want to embrace not being perfect. I want to embrace being able to eat what I want, and choosing to eat healthy if that’s what I want.
Having the perfect body is an illusion. I want to be free of trying to shoot for a body type. I want to instead, embrace who I am, and what I look like. I want to embrace treating my body right with proper exercise, treating myself to treats because it tastes good.
The key is to embrace what I use to resist, and admit that past things truly did hurt me. I didn’t give myself time to heal from it. I use to resist being affected by it. The truth is, what I went through really shaped me.
This is my ideal life. I am not currently living it, but it’s the drop that needed to fall for it to truly affect my belief system. It’ll be hard work working towards this goal, but it’s what I’m aiming for. I don’t want to have off limit foods, or feel I can’t have something when I really want it. I’m still learning about my body, my cravings, and my appetite. I’m still learning about what makes me feel good and what keeps me feeling full. I’m constantly learning, constantly improving myself every single day. Even when it feels like I took a huge step backwards, it’s sometimes what’s needed to propel me towards the right direction.
Anyways. I ranted more than I wanted to.