- Walk in the morning
- Eat what’s there
- No food is bad
- Talk isn’t stary
- I am enough
Walk in the Morning:
Cheeto and Chester needs their exercises each day. Cheeto, especially needs his arthritic back legs to be exercised. I need to get my blood going first thing in the morning. I added in a stretch this morning as well.
Eat What’s There:
Instead of chasing a certain lifestyle, I’ll eat what I intended to eat in my past purchases. No food should be wasted (it’s okay if you do). Eat up most of everything before the next grocery trip. Make mindful but not restrictive decisions.
No Food is Bad:
This is the key to my recovery. No food is bad. I absolutely love: Chips, chocolate, ice cream, meats, cheese, etc. Foods that I use to label as bad and off limits, foods that I feel I had ‘fucked up’ if I allowed myself to eat. Foods that I would try to undo the next day. Not anymore. No food is bad.
Talk isn’t Scary:
Talking isn’t scary and isn’t something to cause me anxiety. Often the act itself or the avoidance of it causes me to turn to food for comfort. There will be people I click with, there will be people I don’t click with, and that’s ok. There will be silences, and that’s okay too.
I am Enough:
Me, in this moment, is me. I am enough for whatever it is that my heart desires. If I don’t have what I desire yet, it’s because it hasn’t happened yet. Everyday, I grow from the person I was the day before.
I’ve been mindful about exercise. I haven’t worked out to the extent I did a week ago. I have exercised with the intent of having fun, giving my pups exercise, and just getting my body moving rather than to burn calories. I’ve walked with Angie, and I’ve walked with Erin. I do want to have good workouts but I don’t want to live on the opposite ends of each pendulum anymore (extremes of eating and extremes of working out). I am to live in the middle. Eat what I enjoy, and enjoy burning off that energy.
I am still scared of the weight gain, but the positive side is that I should be more scared. The topic of weight has dominated my mind, pretty much, my whole life. The fact that I’m no longer resisting what I truly want to eat should be a scary thing. I’m handling it pretty well.
In the morning, I walked my dogs. I didn’t work too much. My creativity is suffering from a blockage, and that’s ok. I can’t be super creative everyday. I went to the gym with Erin. We walked and talked for 2 miles, then I did some workouts that just kept my body moving around.
When I got home, I was quite hungry. Because I had in my head that I wasn’t restricting myself, I didn’t feel ravenous and I didn’t feel an urge to binge. I felt excited for what I was going to eat. That allowance gave me patience. I didn’t rush to food, I was able to wait just like my roommates. I showered, I talked, and I felt normal.
For dinner, choosing what to eat at Boston Market was a challenge. My old self of calorie consciousness was fighting my current self of non-restriction. I met in the middle with a bowl of mac n’ cheese meatloaf, that seemed to not have that many calories – but who knows on that, really. In the past, I would have gotten chicken, side salad, and mac n’ cheese, while feeling guilty about eating the mac n’ cheese and the salad with cheese and dressing.
Jake got a pecan pie that he offered to us. I had one bite to taste. The reason I didn’t have more was because I knew I wanted to get a treat at the theaters. I wasn’t restricting, I was being mindful. I got a scoop and a half of chocolate ice cream (no cone), it was so good.
Yesterday, I mostly felt good eating it. I paid attention to the movie well. I did feel guilty at certain points while eating dinner and the ice cream throughout the night – it comes and goes. Again, it won’t be easy. These are thought patterns that are so old and habitual. It will take time for me to unlearn them. Weight gain will come with it, but not as much of the weight gain that puts me at 180 .lbs.
Something I didn’t do while I felt it yesterday was accepting the feeling of guilt, then letting it go. As I’m writing, I realize I was resisting the feeling of guilt. It’s okay to feel it, in fact, it’s important to allow myself to feel it. But, I shouldn’t believe in it. I’ll now observe the feeling of guilt, but I won’t believe that I truly should feel guilty. And I’ll let it go. Today, I’m not ‘undoing’ the foods I ate yesterday. I’m carrying on, and will eat what I want, but I will also be mindful of how it makes me feel.
- Don’t resist feelings that come up
- Don’t’ believe in them either
I didn’t eat carbs for each meal so I didn’t feel as lethargic. On Tuesday and Wednesday I ate rice for the majority of my meals. It didn’t fill me up and I felt lethargic. I should keep a food diary purely to track how I feel – but I’ll think on if I really need it or not.
Today I’ll continue to eat what I feel like eating but making mindful choices of its effects. I will allow myself to feel guilty but I will remind myself to not believe in why I should feel guilty. I will repeat that no food is bad. I have BJJ tonight as well that I’m excited for. I might go to the thrift store to find something to wear at formals tomorrow.