My support friend and I have been trying something different. We have been repeating to ourselves that no food is bad. I have been ordering and eating what I want, with the goal of stopping when I’m full. For one week now, I have not had a binge on this method. That doesn’t mean I haven’t eaten more than I needed, it means I haven’t hidden away and gorged on any and all foods within reach while feeling numb and mindless.
Yesterday was the first truly successful day of eating what I want, stopping when I’m full, regardless of what was left on the plate. I went on a road trip with sorority sisters to a formals event back in our college town.
Not obsessing over what I can and cannot eat helped me stay in the moment and be present with everyone. It was one of the best days I’ve had. I laughed, I joked, I ate, and I let negative thoughts pass like thought clouds.
Mindful eating was successful – until we went out on the town at midnight.
Every meal breakfast and lunch was restaurant bought, dinner was catered. At each restaurant I tried listening to my instincts to order what sounded good. For breakfast I had mcdonald’s breakfast sandwich, a hash brown, and an orange juice. I actually did not finish my foods. How I didn’t finish was by telling myself that I I’m no longer restricting, and good food will keep coming. As long as I don’t eat till I’m uncomfortable. The mindset of no food is bad and good food will not end helps my animal instincts relax and make decisions based on feel rather than deprivation. I can tell it’s a muscle that is very weak because of how uncomfortable it is, but it’s a muscle I really want to build because for the first time – this truly feels like progress (knock on wood).
The scary part is I have not been weighing myself and I know weight gain is inevitable. The goal is, though, to not yo-yo as I have in the past. It’s okay if I gain some weight, as long as I’m healthy and not eating disorderly. In the long run, the weight I gain now while I learn how to eat will be less than the overall weight I would gain if I kept myself on the same binge and purge (through exercise) cycle I’ve been on.
So during the night time, my friends and I ate junk food while drunk. I ate more than others, but, I didn’t eat uncontrollably (I ate much much more than I needed), but I wasn’t deathly uncomfortable by bedtime. I didn’t sneak away or feel the strong urge to destroy the kitchen when everyone left.
That’s a success – although it’s not perfect. I did feel guilty waking up this morning. In reflection, it truly isn’t guilt. It’s fear. This lingering fear of weight gain and loss of attention from attraction is the heart of my fear. Also being teased by asians too.
But, I must remind myself. This recovery journey is about me and my health. It’s about not binging anymore and it’s about living a healthy, sustainable lifestyle. My ultimate goal is to love my body and to be sustainably and naturally fit.
- Walk in the morning
- No food is bad
- Eat what is there
- Talk isn’t scary
- I am enough
- Allow myself to feel guilt, observe, and let it go
Instead of running umteen miles like I usually do in a subconscious effort to control weight, I hit up a girlfriend to go walk our dogs. This makes the energy burn much more fun and fruitful – also less taxing on my body & my pups get to burn energy too.
I’ll continue to live out my mantras above as well.